House of the ‘Possum

Long ago, before you, I or our ancestors ever set foot in Appalachia, the hills of this beautiful land were divided into seven kingdoms. Each were ruled by their own king, defended by their own knights, and cultivated by their own people.

These seven kingdoms ruled together peacefully, composing one large kingdom known as Westvirgineros, until greed overtook all, save one.

Listen well as I recall to you the tale of the rise of the once fallen House ‘Possum.

***

House Whistlepig had claim to the eastern lands of Cranberié, roaming about on giant boar-like steeds. Legend says they communicated amongst themselves by nothing more than grunts and squeals.

To the west, House Polecat roamed the Hunting Grounds, nomadic in nature. Never staying in one place for very long, they are said to have left each encampment in disarray, oftentimes with a foul stench permeating the air. Their steeds were black as night, white stripes running down their backs, and many a knight had lost their life to the foul mist created by these abominable creatures.

In the northern lands known as the Fair Hollow, House Snipe resided amongst many a tree and bush. Elusive and secretive, many wonder if their existence was nothing more than a folktale.

The south was dominated by House Hellbender. Eerie and dark, they made their homes in holes by the riverbanks. Whispering to each other so softly none could hear, they plotted their schemes under cold moonlight and traversed the Blue Fields on the backs of giant salamanders.

The far north lands, above the cagey House Snipe, were occupied by House T’rosh-pandáh. Their castles, built upon the Morganton Ruins, were rumored to be overrun with the spoils of every battle they had ever won. Their steeds were beasts of myth, said to wear a mask about their eyes, and have stripes painted along their tails.

Deep in the south, far beyond the Hellbender lands, the all woman clan, House Reynard, dominated the Springs of Sulphur. Many have questioned the existence of an all female house, but no brave man had ever returned to tell any tale. Their steeds were supposed foxes, but no soul could confirm.

In the center, deep in the heart of Appalachia, the shamed House ‘Possum made their home at the foot of The Mountain, in the Lands of Tudor. They had no steeds, for the last of the ‘Possums had died out nearly a decade prior.

This is where the story begins, with the unbridled bravery of a young man named Ughp and his quest to reunite the kingdoms.

***

Nestled in his bed within the castle that rested at the foot of The Mountain, young Ughp stared at the ceiling, daydreaming of the days long past when his family still had honor and their noble steeds.

Rising reluctantly, he clamored down the stairs while still pulling his clothes over his head, and rushed headlong out the door.

“Pappy Margarine!” he exclaimed, using the man’s formal title and their surname, “I just had a great idea!”

The old codger turned to behold the young whipper-snapper. “And what would that be, Ughp?”

The young boy grinned, “There’s tales of a ‘Possum, a big’n, still living deep in the cave under The Mountain, and I’m fixin’ to go find it. With a steed like that, I could climb all the way to the top of The Mountain and get the gem that you said could unite all the kingdoms once more!”

The elder smiled softly while stroking his long beard, “Ahh yes, The Dew of the Mountain, said to have fallen from the heavens eons ago. It’s the only thing left to unite the houses. But beware boy! The same thing that could unite us could very well drive us to war! Stanks killing Cannisters, Cannisters slaughtering Cowbells, Cowbells striking down Margarines, Margarines…” he trailed off.

He continued to stroke his beard, obviously deep in thought, “Do you still want to pursue this long lost ‘Possum, climb the treacherous hills and bring peace to the Seven Kingdoms?”

“I do!” shouted Ughp.

“Well then,” replied the old man, “I will escort you to the Toothless Maw and wait there for your return.”

Hours passed and Pappy Margarine now stood side-by-side with the oddly named boy, who was quickly growing to be a man but still held onto his childhood. The two of them looked deep into the depths of Toothless Maw, a cave opening that once had rows of stalactites and stalagmites at its entrance, all now broken or missing.

“Go on boy. Descend into its depths. Find your steed, and if you don’t return, what is it you’ll have me tell your Ma and Pa?”

The boy thought for a moment, then looking up he noticed the sun hidden behind the mountain. “Tell them the sun doesn’t always shine here, but they always did.” and with those words, he took a lit torch from Pappy and his first steps through the Toothless Maw leading under The Mountain.

***

His adventure was quite anticlimactic. Other than piles of bones, bats and the occasional water dripping from the ceiling (that always seemed to run down the back of his neck and under his shirt), Ughp didn’t see much of anything.

Abruptly, the cave came to a dead end. Ughp looked around and crestfallen, turned to leave when the wall in front of him shifted. Stricken with fear he stumbled backward and fell, and found himself looking face to face with a white-faced, red-nosed, beady eyed creature of gargantuan proportions.

“‘Possum.” he muttered under his breath, his hands closed around the closest thing he could reach. He glanced sideways to see it was part of a skeleton, one that looked eerily familiar.

“Oh no.” he whispered, realization dawning on him. “It’s human.”

Suddenly, without warning, the ‘Possum hissed and struck. Ughp rolled out of the way, narrowly dodging the attack. He sprinted left, then right, rolled on his belly and vaulted across the cave floor, dodging the beast's attacks.

Thinking he was about to get eaten, his Pa’s words rang inside his head, “Don’t never go down without a fight. If you die, a least die a tryin’!”

Ughp mustered all the courage he could and screamed at the creature, lunging forward and swinging the torch.

He never made contact with the ‘Possum, but the thing recoiled, froze, flopped on its side and died.

Stunned, Ughp berated himself for accidentally killing the beast. “I was supposed to unite the kingdoms! To mount the last ‘Possum!” He cried, tears streaming down his face, “But instead I killed it.”

He turned to behold the creature one last time before leaving and when he did, he swore he saw it quickly close one eye.

He turned his back to the animal, then whipped around and again, the thing quickly shut its eyes.

“Are you faking!?” Ughp shouted.

The critter shook its head.

“Oh.” sulked Ughp. “Now just wait a darn minute!”

He walked closer and reached out a kind hand, “I never wanted to fight, I just came down here to see if you could help me.”

One eye slowly opened, and it’s ears pricked.

“All seven kingdoms are on the verge of war, and I need your help to retrieve the Dew of the Mountain and return peace to Westvirgineros. What do you say? Can you help me?”

***

Pappy Margarine keeled over at the site of Ughp riding a giant ‘Possum, the last ‘Possum, out of the cave and into the daylight.

“My boy, you’ve done it!” he exclaimed. “Ring the bells! Everyone to the courtyard!”

***

A crowd had gathered, every soul who lived in Tudor showed up to see what all the commotion was about. Ughp stood next to his newfound steed, beaming brightly.

Pappy Margarine stood in front of him, an old rusty sword in one hand and began to speak loudly, “Our boy Ughp has achieved the impossible!” he began, “He has found a steed! The last ‘Possum! And he will now begin his quest to climb The Mountain and retrieve the Dew of the Mountain, but first a ceremony must be performed. This boy is no longer a child, he is a man and thus he should be knighted.”

Gasps erupted, no man or woman had been knighted in nearly twenty years!

“But first, if any have gifts, blessings or kind words to bestow, do so now!”

In turn the townsfolk approached Ughp and gave their blessings,

“This here is a Pep-Roll. Eat it to put some pep in yer step.” said one old man.

A soft-spoken women with golden hair presented him with a glass bottle, “This is Monongahelian Water, it’s mysterious properties can bring a man back from near death.”

Dirty and clothed in rags, one man shoved a pouch into his hands, “This here’s Backer. Chew it, but don’t swaller.”

And last, and elderly woman slid a small package into his shirt pocket, “For pain, my dear, if ever the need arises. It is called Milk of the Poppie-tart.”

His mother and father then approached, “I’m proud of you boy.” His father said and smiled. His mother, teary-eyed, straightened his clothes, “Be careful out there. Watch out for Hick Wizards and Billies of the Hills. You’re too young to remember, you sang of them as a child but at one point they were real.” She eyed the ‘Possum, “As real then as he is now.”

“And now” said Pappy Margarine, stepping forward, “You must name your steed.”

The crowd erupted, shouting names but one caught Ughp’s attention and he turned to the young girl to his left.

“What is it you said?”

She repeated it, “I don’t know what it means, but my grandpa said it just before he passed. My grandma is still mad, said he should’ve told her he loved her. But no, he just said that word.”

Ughp nodded. “I have a name.” He leaned in and whispered it to Pappy.

“Kneel!” shouted Pappy, and touched the sword to the boy’s shoulders in turn, and began to chant.

Dew of the Mountain

Shine of the Moon

Flames of the Fountain

Copper Kettle and Spoon

Hollow of Mirth

Mother of Spirit

Husk of the Earth

Old Bottle be near us

“Now rise, Knight!”

And turning to the crowd, “I present to you, Ser Ughp and Waphles!”