Horizon, Mine, Future, Energy, Groom-Material, Spring Day and Complete

Mister Horizon,

I'm exhausted. Extremely. I didn't know that I only learned to love myself when I was with you, until I had to see what it was like without you. I don't think I can go on like this, and even if I can, why would I want to? It's miserable. It's too much weight to carry, and wherever I search nothing makes it feel weightless.

It's funny that it's only recently that I'm finding myself jealous of inanimate things. I'm envious of the leaves on the trees, because though they may hold on so tight to those branches for a good portion of the year, they fall when they get tired. They get their time to rest, and rather than it's colored spotlight, the snow takes over for people to admire.

I haven't gotten to rest once.

At night time, when the sun takes it break and the lights in the house are dimmed to darkness, we as humans are meant to sleep along with it, but with my brain dead and my heart full of thought, I can't sleep like I used to, no matter how much I want to close my eyes.

Sleep isn't granted to me anymore.

Everyday when morning comes, my body is automatically ignited into flames and my spend the day I have doing everything I possibly can to shake the feeling away, but it's stubborn and it sticks. I'm stuck in my own burdens and alone in a forest on fire left behind like sticks and wood.

I can't get away.

I'm imprisoned in my own body. I forgot what freedom is, and yet still, I long for it to return to me. In my surroundings, there's nothing but chaos, but all I can do is sit there paralyzed and allow it to devour me. I can't move. I can't scream for help. Nobody listens. Nobody notices.

I'm jealous of everyone who doesn't suffer like I do.

Music too, can be paused when it needs to be. The sound can be blocked out if it must. It gets to stop sometimes, but above me, I feel every trickle of the rain, the thunder and the lightning and it goes on and on and on in my world. It's part of me, like how you used to be part of me. The only difference is it hurts me and you didn't.

The demons in me take over the angels. Staring at a blank wall, numb, I feel everything and nothing at the same time. I'm alone from sunrise to sunset, praying that alcohol will come aid me or cure me of what I'm going through and make me feel like I'm above the clouds again -- or at least above the water.

Everybody I needed is gone. I have no one to support me when I need it the most, and from the inside I'm going insane, enough that it'll effect my outer-self soon.

I don't understand at all. If it's really okay to not feel okay, then why do I feel like it isn't?

Help.

Help me please.

-C.L.

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Mister Mine,

If I have a better day, that usually means I payed more attention to what we never made it to and just let myself believe the day came that it happened. Of course, the time comes that it hits me it didn't, and that puts me in worse condition, but sometimes that taste of something positive is worth it. Might as well use the imagination for what it's capable of, right?

Once I thought about how live would've been if we lived in another dimension or were raised up into another life, where we grabbed a hold of each other the moment that we realized our paths were crossing.

Maybe in that time, we'd exchange corny forms of couple jewelry or joke about getting matching tattoos when we both know we're both too scaredy-cat to do such a thing. We'd be able to call ourselves high school sweethearts and prove to the world on the day of our wedding that not all of those relationships go to waste.

We could've been the couple that slapped the crap out of one another when we saw we were reaching our alcohol tolerance, and you would've been here for me in the recent days before I lost my mind. We could've had that bond that they do in the coming of age movies, where they make a date lovely out of nothing at all, besides the sunset and a car parked on the side of the road -- laying up on the roof.

The light night talks that I couldn't find anyone I was comfortable to do with besides you, we could've done whenever we wanted, bright or pitch black. Maybe we'd talk about the future and what we wanted to make of ourselves when we grow up, and maybe by now, it'd be the time we'd already be looking back at ourselves and laughing for even thinking it were possible.

Or who knows? Maybe we could've reached our dreams.

We were meant to have figured that out what would have come of that, and now our only option is in another life or something of the sort. I swear, if I ever got such a chance, I wouldn't let you go. I wouldn't make the same mistake, and I would make sure that you were able to stay with me. We'd live in a world where nobody would hear my name unless it came immediately after yours.

But regardless of what I think about, thoughts don't just come to life, even if you wish hard enough. I can't go back in time if I prayed for 24 hours every single day, and I know on top of that, that there's nothing out there in this world rotting way that can replace you.

If only I was a little more bold, and I told you what you meant to me from the very start. That's the very first mistake I've made when we came across one another, and it led to a million more, yet without it, none of them would have ever been.

It's because of that one decision, I lost precious time with you.

Whatever I think of to ease my mind, that'll always be the truth.

My mind can't be eased.

Not permanently.

-C.L.

-

Mister Future,

Am I crazy to think of our meet up again one day? Is it stupid that I think so much about seeing you again that by this time, I'm genuinely looking forward to it? Is it wrong that I can't think about anything else except you?

The farther this goes on and the more in a state of trance that I find myself in, the more I feel like it is -- like this is abnormal. This is unhealthy, and isn't that true?

I'm not wrong, am I?

This is pulling me straight off the earth. I'm living in a little world of my own, where the words in my vocabulary are limited to only a few; the ones I live my life by.

We were so right, yet at the wrong time, and I hate that because we were never granted the right time that we deserved to have. Especially because I expected to have a long time with you, which was maybe the wrong thing to do -- I don't know -- but I think that's why it hurts more than it should.

Looking off into a body of water, right at that spot where the sky meets the sea, I feel like I can still see you and everything you've ever lived for, but little by little you're fading, and I have to watch the only remnant I have left of you become absolutely nothing.

I realize all I own within me is weakness. I don't have the power to keep you here.

All I can do at this point is hope. I hope that one day we'll meet each other again, and maybe this time be given the "right" that we missed before. It's possible that the second time around not all our lights will be red. We'll finally get the chance to leap for what we wanted.

I don't care when that time comes, as long as it does. Everything will fit into place then. I know it will, and if that's a sign that I'm going crazy, I don't think I care about that anymore. If crazy is what heals, and it's the only thing I got, then who cares? Because I definitely don't.

In fact, with this, I don't think it matters what other people think.

Allow me to believe that not all goodbyes have to be forever, and let me look forward to something when I lost all reason to be excited for a future. While I have to live on my own for this period of time, let me hold on to the fantasy or fact that one day we can still find home in one another.

Let me believe that once again, our pathways will collide, and that on our second time, the stars will cheer for us rather than ridicule us.

What I see in us is the life we should've had, and I think that's fair to think about, regardless of how much of a reach it is. I imagine a time when your heart and mine see the same thing at the same second, and there's no shame in that, I don't think.

In the mean time, while I had no choice but to let go, I'll still keep tight in my grasp the feelings I had for you. I'll hold on like it means my own life that our story barely started and that the best is still coming.

Somewhere out there, we belong together.

I'm just in the wrong dimension.

-C.L.

-

Mister Energy,

Remember that day I finally built up the courage to chat to a friend of mine about how I've been feeling? I finally spoke up about my emotions after losing you, and for the concealed person I tend to be, I'm still pretty surprised about it myself.

I haven't talked to him for a good period of time after I moved away from my hometown. I wasn't worried that we wouldn't be close anymore -- that's just how our friendship was -- we didn't need to talk everyday to stay close, but I was worried that he would think I only came to him when I had problems.

But of course, once I sent the message out, there was no turning back. In it, I told him how I felt about your passing, and how awkward I felt about approaching your family and especially your girlfriend to send out my thoughts of sympathy. I was certain she'd hate my guts for the past I have with you and what we had the potential to be.

Knowing how girls are, I was pretty sure she knew about it, and she had the right to have opinions on it, and I guess opinions on me. My friend told me though, that making peace and showing kindness to her or remaining invisible to her was up to me, and that I kind of had to go with my own feeling when it came to it.

I guess, he was right about that. Even if he did give me specific advice about what he would do, at the end of it all, it was up to me to decide if I wanted to be a source of comfort to her or if I wanted to stay completely out of the picture.

I debated with myself about the thought for a while, throwing my ideas off of him, and then he just had to tell me this: "no offense, dude, but he's dead now, isn't he? You're overthinking it first of all, and second, you two have no reason to have beef anymore."

Inside, I swelled up with some intense anger and sadness, I have to say. What he said sounded insensitive to me, and it made me speechless. I've never seen him be that kind of person before, and it was in fact, his emotional intelligence that made us such good friends. Here, it almost seemed it was lacking the amount for common decency.

But I tried to be mature enough about it. I didn't have the energy to make a big fuss anyway, with my energy source being snatched away like it was, so I didn't speak up. I actually ended up coming to terms with what he said, and I decided being there for this girl of yours couldn't be a bad thing whatsoever. Maybe out of it, we can create a bond that was built over pain and maybe we had the chance to be close.

I didn't want to miss out on a good friend, so there was that selfish piece of it, but if I could do something to lift her up, I thought that'd be a win for both of us.

And honestly, I think it's one of the better things that happened this year.

I wish I could've known her sooner, under different circumstances, but one thing is for sure; you had quite the blessing on your side.

I'm glad I get to know her too.

She's the best friend I've ever had.

-C.L.

-

Mister Groom-Material,

You were good to her, and I'm proud of you for that. I'm proud of you for choosing the woman of your dreams and staying by her side like you promised her. Not everyone does that these days and that's why in such a dirty world loyalty is becoming so valuable.

If you think about it, technically, it shouldn't be. It should be natural. It's not something that's only expected, but it's something that follows through, and I know you know that very well.

What I'm trying to say is, a person like you isn't found just anywhere, and believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

You guys deserved to have more moments than you did. Being long-distance was never easy, but your love for one another pushed through every barrier that came along. You got over every fight or every hardship and you fought for your bond more than you fought for anything before.

I'm thankful that you shared your love story with us, and I'm happy that we were able to see what love is truly supposed to look like, especially as a person who hadn't gotten to experience it before.

I can tell that your closeness despite the space between you was meant for more than what it was able to be. The two of you had the kind of relationship that would inspire anyone, no matter where they come from or how old they are or whatever else.

You're the kind of person who would hold hands with your woman out in public, your fingers interlocked in hers like they were never meant to be anywhere else, even if other people begged for you on their hands and knees. Sometimes, you would sing to her, and it would be so out of the blue that I think you caught yourself off guard too, just because you wanted to see her smile.

You're someone who doesn't rush to find love in someone, but that prioritizes finding a best friend in them. You made sure that she wasn't only the person whose lips you longed to touch, but also the one you could tease until she turned red with no hard feelings. You were confident enough to act dumb around her, and you didn't have the constant need to appear better than she was. You knew whe was your equal and you treated her like so.

You're the kind that played with her hair that went all the way down her back, and when she'd bring up a preposition about whether or not you'd still love her if she cut off all her hair, you'd reassure her that you would, without a doubt. You'd jokingly propose with ring pops that came out of those candy machines, and you had a humor that could somehow turn funny situations romantic.

Your memories are snapped like a written diary through your photos, and out of it we all can remember what happened on that very day and how special of a time it was. You had a childish trait that could win hearts, but when you chose one you held onto it for dear life.

You brought happiness to her again and again.

And I could never despise you for that.

I couldn't despise you for warming a girl's heart.

-C.L.

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Mister Spring Day,

You always reminded me of Spring when it first starts coming around. When the flowers are starting to bloom and the sun is shining a little hotter in the sky, we swear to the higher powers this is what we were waiting for and that this is how life is meant to be. The year arrived to it's soothing and calm period. It's official.

Even though we know very well that sometime soon autumn and winter will come back and take it all away, we float on the idea that we get this time of the year and that it'll last. But before we know it, it's long gone and over with.

You were a little too much like that than I wanted you to be.

You're the kind of person that the moment you leave, I already miss you. It doesn't matter how much time we spent together. I just do, and there's nothing that could stop that. It's as if I need you around at all times to feel content. To feel satisfied. To feel happy.

I thought the biggest worry of my lifetime was going to be my airplane trip home. I felt like between us, there were constantly strings attached, and when space came in between us I could feel physically, the tension that slipped in the middle. I wanted you, like how I miss Spring in the middle of Fall.

Turns out, that wouldn't be the worst thing I'd ever gone through, and I've sat by myself for many days just wondering if I missed you even if it was confirmed to be temporary that I'd be away, and I already suffered, how could I possibly go on if I know for certain that it's permanent?

A violin can not produce a melody if it's strings are cut on one side. She could appear absolutely stunning and everyone can remember every beautiful sound that can be produced from such a gorgeous instrument, but from that point on, she can no longer sing, and that's exactly how I feel. I feel silenced and I have yet to find the power to open my mouth.

After you died, I have no sound to play. Yes, I play an important role for it to work, but if your side is not in full repair, there's nothing that I can do from then on, and its come as fact that you're side is completely done for.

You can't be back in the form that you used to be. Not right now.

It's painful that people expect me to simply dust off my feet and continue trudging ahead, especially because I can't do the things that I used to do after I met you. Because life isn't the same and I'm not going to to on pretending that it is. I can't act that way. You meant to much for me to capable of doing such a thing.

If only there was a handbook on how to act when something like this happens.

It seems as if nobody understands.

I think the only one who would get me is you.

-C.L.

-

Mister Complete,

I keep thinking too myself today, I must've been a little too eager to fall, and that's why I ended up in the wrong hands. I wonder all the time what would've happened if I cared for myself a little more rather than worry about the negative qualities of somebody else, or if we would've met first. In every way I think about it, those scenarios would have allowed me to live a much higher-quality life.

It was my fault I ended up where I did. I'm the one who chose the outcomes, even if I didn't know it yet at the time.

If a time machine did exist, I know I would go back to the days leading up to when I met you and I'd make sure that everything was set up perfectly, but that's the thing about life. It's unexpected, and sometimes we shock ourselves with the choices we make. We decide not to do things simply because we're afraid.

The most I can do is prove that from now on, I will not force myself to be with someone just because I'm scared of being alone. I'll never let myself settle for less than what I deserve, and I have to show that I know my own worth. I realize now that it isn't something that I have to chase, but something that comes to me, just like you did.

If I would've waited a little longer, I would've been ready to receive your confession, and that's all the evidence I need to know that the best things in life are the things you wait for. They're the things that come at the most sudden, but mystical of times. I have no doubt that love is a treasure if it isn't abused.

Whether our story happened at the snap of the fingers or we grew gradually, possibly over years, I would've spent all of those seconds proud that I was yours and that we were bound to make it as far as life can take us. As impatient as a person as I tend to be, I would learn to patient if it was for your sake.

Heck, I could do anything for you.

I should've loved myself a bit more while I grew up. I should've been happy about who I was, so that I got what I actually should've. Being desperate to love someone is never the answer. It should come along when its time.

But I don't get it though. It's not like that mental thought of ourselves is an easy thing to fix. I can't wake up one morning and love myself to full capacity. I promise, I tried to learn how to appreciate myself for the person I am, yet over and over again I failed to.

There was a pile of things that I couldn't succeed in. That I didn't know how to achieve.

I needed you to learn to love myself, so it seems, and in some terms it makes sense, but in others it doesn't at all.

Because I also had to love myself to earn you.

-C.L.