Horde v. Hoard

Horde of Hounds

The sun sparkled unusually bright and brassy as it began to set over the shimmering desert. Almost as if a piece of metallic confetti was dancing in front of it, catching the light. Orcs are too myopic to notice subtleties like that, though, so the horde marched on without giving it any thought whatsoever.

Orc1: Those damn dwarves are headed for the Desert. Faster men, they'll never outrun us on those stubby little legs.

Orc2: The devils in the Desert will finish them off for us won't they? Seems to me our job is done.

Orc1: No survivors! The Iron Range is finally ours. We can't risk them coming back with reinforcements before we replenish our numbers.

The alpha led the horde, not through any means of rank or tradition, he just happened to have two or three more brain cells than the average orc. So when he gave commands there was rarely an alternate suggestion. Or maybe it was because he was bigger and stronger and meaner than the rest. His grey-green skin was riddled with scars, proving he'd survived his fair share of battles. And the dwarven jawbones, set menacingly on his leather pauldrons, served as a strong reminder of his preferred prey.

Orc1374: Yeah, let's go kill these fuckers. I wanna make a braided belt from their spines.

This one was younger. Green in more ways than one. His unnecessarily defiant tone revealing that he still had something to prove.

Orc212: Good idea! I'm gonna make earrings from their earlobes.

The small child on the orc's shoulders laughed hysterically through the tusks jutting up from her underbite.

Orc2041: Hehehe. Earring from their earlobes!

* * *

Greed, fear, and hate propelled the horde forward without any question or preparation. Orc culture was to take what they needed from others, so maybe they assumed they'd catch the dwarves quickly and use their supplies to survive the night in the desert. The fact that the horde of orcs outnumbered the clan of dwarves ten to one never factored into it. Fear of retaliation, that the dwarves might come back to reclaim the Great Halls under the Iron Range, kept the orcs' feet moving forward into the Desert.

Orc367: How did those little shits escape anyway? We had camps at every entrance.

Orc583: They musta burrowed out, like the rats that they are. You kids know what we do with rats, right?

Two youngsters, too small yet to carry weapons, began to wail on one another. They traded a few equal blows—a punch to the cheek was answered with a flurry of blows to the gut—until a box hard in the ear coupled with a kick to the side of the knee brought the smaller child down to the ground. The larger one knelt on his chest and started alternating punches to his head.

The orcling looked up at her father as her fists flew, flushed and grinning wildly.

Orc1982: We beat 'em 'til they can't get up, then we choke 'em 'til their beady little eyes pop right out of their heads.

She began to choke her brother as a demonstration. But when she looked up to revel in their father's nod of approval, the smaller orcling made his move. He pulled his foot up under his sister's chest and launched her to the side, rolling away quickly before leaping up and running off. He disappeared into the crowd, fighting back tears of fury and humiliation.

Thirst

The orcs marched through the night, sure they'd catch their prey at any moment. For a while, the trail left by two hundred dwarves shuffling through the shrubland at the edge of the Desert was easy enough to follow. Once they were well into the ever shifting sands, however, the trail vanished. The horde kept walking straight into the Desert, assuming that's what the dwarves had done.

By the time the midday sun began beating down on them, the orcs were getting thirsty.

Orc2: We haven't seen their tracks in hours. Where the hell did they go?

Orc1: Look.

The alpha pointed roughly westward. At the edge of the Desert—where the radiating heat blurred the line between sand and sky—was a jagged pointy peak. Like a tooth sticking up out of the earth.

Orc2: I'll be damned.

Orc1: Onward men! Spread out to make sure we don't walk right by their stinkin' rotten corpses.

Over the next couple of hours, as the temperature climbed higher and higher, a few orcs began to fall. First it was those still recovering from the battle under the Iron Range. As their wounds began to fester, their endurance waned and they stumbled into the sand. The horde left them where they fell. Better for them to die than let them weaken the whole. A few children fell behind too. The ones too large to be carried, but too small to keep up.

One of the females went into labour as the sun began its descent into the west. For a while she marched on through the pain. She wouldn't be the first orc to give birth in battle. When it came time, she paused to squat and push. A couple of her comrades took position on either side of her. But when a foot came out first, rather than turn the infant around, they simply cut the child from her womb and left her there to bleed out in the dirt.

* * *

Orc357: I've never been so thirsty. As soon as we catch up to those damned dwarves I'm gonna open one right up and drink the blood from its veins.

Orc77: I shoulda stayed back at the Range. I could be feasting at the executions right about now.

Orc156: Hell, I figured I'd be having my way with a couple of the prisoners tonight. You know, helping them pass the time until their turn at the chopping block.

He winked and gave his buddy a double nudge in the side with his elbow.

Orc77: You're better off keeping your dick in your pants, man. All them dwarves have beards so thick you can't tell the males from the females.

The younger orc shrugged and laughed.

Orc156: They all got arse holes don't they?

He tripped his friend, knocking him to all fours and air humped him like a dog, to demonstrate his meaning. The orc on the ground whirled around, pulled out his greataxe, and cleaved the head clean off of his assailant.

Orc77: Fucking fa…aghhh!!!

Almost as if to interrupt the slur, a gargantuan purple worm burst up from the sand under him and swallowed him whole.

Segment after segment, the worm's body rose up out of the ground exposing a yellowish under-belly that looked armoured with polished plate. Sharp brass-like spikes protruded the length of its spine and lined both sides of its belly.

Once the purple worm had stretched 30 feet or more up into the air, it began to bow its head back down, revealing several rows of menacingly barbed teeth. The orcs scrambled as the monstrosity wriggled its way out of the sand and began looking for its next target.

The thick tail snapped around, stinging a nearby orc in the neck. Bright yellow lines spread quickly across her blue-green skin, radiating from her neck across her face. She began to convulse. Falling dead a moment later, foam bubbling out of her mouth. The worm dove back underground.

Orc2: Holy hell! What was that? Ready your weapons men!

Orc1: No! We keep moving. It can't eat all of us. It'll leave once it's had its fill.

The horde obeyed both commands. They pulled out their greataxes and their javelins and continued to move forward, ready to attack the instant the worm came back.

Sure enough, a moment later, the ground rumbled and the creature burst up out of the sand once more. It swallowed two orcs at once, who had foolishly been huddled together. The worm lashed out with its tail again, but this time its target managed to tuck and roll out of the way.

A high-pitched squeal suddenly erupted from the worm. Inexplicably it began to writhe, as if in pain. None of the orcs had even landed a hit on it yet.

The worm heaved and opened its mouth wide. The three orcs it had swallowed came sliding back out. The first two looked mostly fine. They high-fived then frantically wiped off the thick acidic slime that covered them. The third orc died before it hit the ground, skin completely dissolved and shiny red muscles sliding off the bone.

The orcs swarmed the worm, piercing it with their pointy sticks and hacking at it with their blades. Viscous blood oozed like honey from a thousand minor cuts in its dark purple skin, forcing it to make a retreat. The worm managed to swallow one more orc before diving back underground and disappearing from view.

Some of the orcs followed their bloodlust into the tunnel the worm left in its wake. The rest of the horde moved on towards the Mountain, now in plain view before them.

Interlude in the Oasis

As the Mountain grew larger on the horizon, the orcs started dropping like flies. Orcs may be tougher than most, but twenty-four hours in the desert without water was beginning to test their limits. As more and more of them fell into the sand, moaning and convulsing with dehydration, the vultures circling overhead descended to peck at the remains.

The setting sun elongated the shadows in the Desert, emphasizing every bump and divot in the sand.

Orc2: Look! Is that the dwarf trail?

Orc1: No, you moron. Those ain't dwarf prints, they're hoofprints.

Orc2: A herd of camels maybe? Either way, I bet they lead to water.

The alpha grunted, conceding to alter the horde's trajectory to follow the trail.

Orc1: Prey always heads to water.

Sure enough, roughly an hour later, what remained of the horde stumbled into an oasis. In the center of a ring of green—long grasses and palm trees rustling in the sweetly-scented breeze, flowering cacti adding prickly bursts of colour—was a crystal-clear sparkling pool of water. Surrounding it were the most horrifying creatures the orcs could have imagined.

Orc1: Unicorns.

He spat the word as he unsheathed his battle-axe, hate and bile coursing through his veins.

Orc1: Kill them!

As those in front began to charge, a few orcs in the back slipped away into the desert. They'd rather die of thirst than risk being tainted by the divine aura of radiant light emanating from these celestial steeds.

Orc271: Ughh, they're so unnatural. Let's wipe them off the face of the earth!

Orc46: Nah, let's just get out of here. There's gotta be more water nearby that ain't contaminated with their glitter and rainbows.

The majority of the orcs stayed put at the edge of the oasis. They readied their weapons, waiting to see what would happen next.

Half a dozen of the most battle-hardened members of the horde charged the herd of heavenly beasts, who continued to graze peacefully. Their brilliant white coats dazzling in the sunlight. The horns protruding from their foreheads looked like long twists of ice-cream, glimmering with opalescence. Their luscious manes rippled in the breeze, white at the roots, transitioning to brightly coloured tips. Like a reverse-ombre rainbow.

The orcs paused briefly once they were in range, to launch javelins at the unicorns. A couple of the tosses were clear misses: One fell short and hit nothing but dirt. The other went too far and splashed into the lake. The rest of the orcs thought they hit their mark, though, yet the unicorns didn't even flinch.

Orc3: What the…? Mine went right through that dandy ass's head. It should be dead! But look at it still chompin' away on its cud.

Orc1: Something ain't right here. I know I hit that one center mass. My javelin should be sticking out of it like a porcupine quill. But it vanished.

He started moving forward, carefully holding his battle axe high above his shoulder, ready to strike. The unicorns took no notice. Some even began to frolic in the pool.

The orc that had led the horde across the desert swung his great blood-stained axe down swiftly, as he approached the nearest steed. But the blade passed right through the majestic creature, as if it was made of thin air. The axe struck the ground instead, sending reverberations through the orc's arms to his shoulders.

Orc1: They're not real! It's just an illusion!

Orc5: Oh hell no, I'm outta here. Somehow that is so much worse.

Orc6: I don't get it. Whaddya mean they ain't real? We're all seein' 'em ain't we?

Orc2: Look.

The beta passed his hand right through the face of an illusory unicorn that stood in front of him.

Orc6: Oh shit.

He started running back to the others, waving and hollering.

Orc6: They're ghosts! They're mother fucking ghosts!

One of the frolicking unicorns started prancing after the obtuse orc. As he got closer to the horde he could see horror on their faces. It was a moment before he realized they were shouting and pointing behind him. He turned around to look, and saw that the unicorn was charging straight at him.

Orc6: Nah, see this is what I'm saying. They're just ghosts. It's gonna pass right through me. Watch.

He turned squarely towards the charging beast, spread his arms wide and thrust out his chiseled chest. He pumped his pecs and grinned over his shoulder at his friends. He was gonna get them good.

As the unicorn got closer, the hoof beats got louder and kicked up more and more dust. At the last second, before colliding with the clueless orc, the unicorn bowed its head and aimed its horn directly at the dunce's heart. As they collided, the unicorn's horn pierced through the orc's leather armour, popped his lung, and sprouted out through his spine. The orc gurgled in surprise as blood came oozing out of his mouth.

Orc4: Whoa, what the fuck? That one's real?!

Panic started to spread through the crowd.

Orc2: How many are real? How can we tell?

A sucking sound echoed across the oasis as the unicorn withdrew its horn from the skewered orc. As he started to teeter, the unicorn kicked him hard in the chest with both front hooves, ensuring he was dead by the time his body slammed into the ground.

The unicorn rounded back towards the leaders of the horde and began to charge again, blood streaming down its face.

Orc1: I've got this one. Keep your eyes peeled for any others that might be real.

The alpha stepped forward towards the charging unicorn, planted his feet, and readied his attack.

The unicorn bowed its head to strike with its horn again, but blood trickled into its eyes. The orc managed to swipe the horn aside with his great-axe, side-stepping the attack. The gash it left in the unicorn's horn revealed a core of solid brass.

The other orcs swiped at the surrounding steeds, simultaneously lusting for their blade to strike blood, and terrified that more of these righteous creatures might be real.

The unicorn reared and tried to hoof the alpha in the head, but couldn't twist around fast enough. As its front hooves hit the ground, it bucked its back legs out instead and hit the orc so hard in the stomach that he shit himself, then wobbled like he was about to pass out.

Thinking the job was done with this one, the unicorn set its sights on its next target. But as it began to run, the grievously injured orc swung out haphazardly and managed to slash it in the heel.

The unicorn shook it off and continued to charge at the second in command, but failed to adjust for its newly severed tendon.

As the unicorn missed and skidded by the beta, he brought his blade up under its belly and scraped flesh from its ribs. The third orc charged but swung too soon, perhaps overcompensating for the infant strapped in under her breastplate. The fourth had more success, landing a blow to the unicorn's shoulder.

The scent of metal filled the air as the unicorn's lustrous blond blood trickled down into the dirt. The alpha came back in for his revenge, but swung too wide and toppled face-first into a bush.

The unicorn lashed out with hoof and horn at the three orcs now surrounding it. The blows only intensified the orcs' fury as they swung their blades again. The beta was smart enough to go for a weak spot, slashing the unicorn in the eye. Gamma took a chunk out of its knee. Delta, however, tripped over the alpha as he struggled to his feet, knocking them both back into the ground.

At the sight of their leaders beginning to fall, another dozen orcs let rage overcome their fear and sped forward to attack their prey. Seeing this, the unicorn paused for a moment and closed its eyes, seemingly summoning the courage to carry on.

A shimmering shield burst forth, enclosing the unicorn in an iridescent and brilliant bubble.

Orc3: Ughhh, now why would you do something like that?

She poked it with her javelin to see if she could pop the bubble, the beta following suit. The shimmering shield absorbed their blows, preventing the points of the sticks from reaching the unicorn's skin. The two orcs on the ground stumbled back up to their feet.

The charging horde tossed their javelins once they got close enough, wanting to stay far enough back that they wouldn't get covered in glitter. Almost half of them missed, but the other half hit. Eventually the shield's magic gave out, and the javelins burst through to their mark.

Once the onslaught subsided, the unicorn shook the spikes from its side, then whinnied and flicked its mane. Its many wounds miraculously stopped spilling blood, but the situation had turned to the orcs' favour.

The radiant blood-soaked unicorn reared up menacingly one last time, then vanished as its illusory counterparts charged and bucked through the horde.

Orc1: Where did it go?

Orc4: Which one is it?

The orcs swung wildly at every dazzling illusion, hitting nothing but each other.

Hoard of Horrors

The couple hundred orcs who had continued to hunt the purple worm, followed it deep underground. They never caught up to it, but after a few hours the tunnel it had bore through the ground led them to the edge of a cliff.

The cliff faced another, maybe a hundred feet ahead. High above, the orcs could see the sun sparkling through the mouth of the Canyon. Down below, the fissure ran so deep into darkness that they couldn't see the bottom. To their left was a narrow ledge, just wide enough to climb along.

Without even considering a retreat, the orcs continued to hunt for their prey, inching their way along the ledge.

This splinter horde was starting to submit to delirium, causing many of the orcs to fall—or jump—into the depths below. But the rest soldiered on until eventually the ledge opened up into a small cavern, lit by the pale bioluminescence of glowworm webbing draping from the stalactites. Towards the back of the cavern there appeared to be an opening.

The orcs brandished their weapons and charged in.

Orcs: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

Their fanfare fell on deaf ears, as there was no one inside the immense cavern beyond. No one that made their presence known at least. The cavern was so full of treasure that several people could easily have been hidden behind the mounds of glittering gold. Of course, that thought never occurred to the orcs, whose bloodlust was quickly being overtaken by greed.

The collection consisted of masterwork pieces of armour, weapons, and trinkets of all sorts. Unbeknownst to the orcs, they were all imbued with some of the darkest, deadliest, and most powerful magics in existence. But all the orcs saw was shiny. And shiny meant valuable.

The horde began to search through the hoard, filling their pockets and looking for upgrades to their equipment.

Orc342: Holy shit. Look at this! This mace looks like it could rip your soul right outta yer skull.

Orc1261: Oooh, check out this crown. Does it look good on me?

The orc placed the twisted black regalia onto his head and struck a striking pose.

A beaten, bloody, and breathless unicorn apparated behind him.

Orc342: What the fuck? Take it off! You just summoned a god damned unicorn!

The unicorn looked around frantically at the intruders in her lair, seemingly bewildered by the situation. Many of the orcs were too preoccupied with their looting to even notice her sudden appearance.

Orc761: Oooooh look at these. So shiny. Whaddya think they do?

The unobservant orc held several small marbles in her hand that crackled with thin green rays of electricity.

Orc127: Let's find out.

She grabbed one, and chucked it hard against the floor.

Unicorn: No!

The unicorn stopped herself from leaping forward, because it was too late to change into a form that had hands. The second the marble hit the ground it exploded, disintegrating the orc who had found it. The rest of the marbles fell to the floor, blowing crater after crater in the sediment. Before anyone could react, the whole cavern shook and the floor gave out. Most of the horde and the hoard slid down the resulting landslide, into the depths of the canyon below.

Unicorn: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

She screamed at the few orcs who remained on this small ledge—all that was left of her lair. She summoned winds to whip around her and push them over the edge. The orcs threw their javelins at her as they fell. A few struck, but she barely noticed.

The winds waned quickly and many of the orcs managed to cling to the jagged rocks. She tried to summon a swirl of sand to blind the intruders instead, but her magic fizzled and all she managed to do was kick up a bit of dust.

Unicorn: My lair! It's destroyed!

A tear rolled down her cheek, as a rumbling began down below. More magical items were detonating in the depths. Foolishly she peered over the edge to see if there might be anything salvageable. But a tremor rippled through the rock and the ledge under her feet crumbled.

The unicorn began to fall.

Before she could react, an orc clinging to the edge of the chasm pointed the wand in his hand at her, and fired. Twice. Three times. The fourth she couldn't resist. The magic blast hit her in the wounded eye, incapacitating her momentarily. Before she was able to shake it off and transform back into her true form, the orc blasted her again from above.

She would have hit the ground hard, but was impaled through the heart by a tall stalagmite first. She may still have survived, had she not taken so much damage in the Desert. But as it was, without the boon to her power normally bestowed by her hoard, she was helpless. Rivers of yellow molten metal flowed from her wounds.

Once she'd drawn her last breath, her form began to shift. Fur turned to scale. Hoof turned to claw. Horn split into two. Neck and tail elongated, while foil-like wings unfurled. Her body doubled, tripled, quadrupled in size.

The brass dragon lay motionless. Defeated. Dead. At the bottom of a canyon where no one would ever find her or learn of what she'd done to protect the Mountain.

The few orcs still clinging to the cliff above cheered wickedly.

Orc356: Holy shit boys. We just killed a dragon! We're gonna be kings!

Shut Down

The orcs in the oasis fled once their illusory enemies vanished.

Orc1: Fuck water. We gotta get out of this holy freakshow.

But stubbornness is no match for true thirst. By the time the horde reached the Mountain, only a few dozen orcs remained. All brutalized by thirst, fatigue and sunburns that had turned their skins of green and blue, to black scaly burnt crisps with oozing open red sores.

Orc2: We made it men! What d'ya expect we'll find here in the Mountain?

Orc3: I'll bet there's elves with some fancy towers we can take over.

Orc4: Oh hell yeah. Those prissy bitches have nice tight twats. I need some R&R after that trek, if ya know what I mean.

Orc1: Just remember to slit their throats once you're done with them. Last thing we need is to taint the bloodline.

They chuckled and cajoled as they walked into the Forest with nothing but bad intentions.

They didn't notice at first when the roots under their feet began to move, bulging up in front of them to obstruct their path. As if the Mountain itself was rejecting their presence. Then the roots began to coil around the feet and legs of the intruders. Vines hanging from the trees reached down and wound themselves around the alpha's neck and began to squeeze.

Orc1: What the…

A squeak was the last bit of air to ever pass through his throat, as his larynx collapsed.

The rest of the orcs tried to press on, hacking and slashing at the animated vegetation. But suddenly the dirt under foot turned to mud and they sank in up to their waists.

Orc3: For fuck sakes. What's up with this place?

The answer rose up before them.

Three large dragons, huge even, soared swiftly towards the horde. One looked cast of polished copper, scaled face freckled with velvety verdant patina. The second was mossy green and looked like she'd been rolling around in the mud. The third was hard to look at directly, because her gleaming hide reflected every bit of light that attempted to illuminate her.

As their eyes adjusted, the orcs took in the last sight they would ever see:

The white dragon descended upon them, took a deep breath, and blew out a billowing fog of frost that froze them to their cores.

--- fin ---

Horde v. Hoard is an original story based, in part, on the Dungeons and Dragons role-playing game. (I built these characters using their monster descriptions and stat blocks, and rolled dice to choreograph the blow-by-blows of the battles.) It is unofficial Fan Content permitted under the Fan Content Policy. Not approved/endorsed by Wizards. Portions of the materials used are property of Wizards of the Coast. ©Wizards of the Coast LLC.