Holy Duct Tape of Atenveldt

The Holy Duct Tape of Atenveldt – Cave Troll addition:

The Book of Armaments, the lost chapter, verses 9 - 31. Lo, in the days of old, when the Dream was new in the minds of humanity, a wondrous discovery was made. The names of those right noble, divinely inspired gentles are deeply imbedded in the legends of the West and East Kingdoms. Their discovery, more valuable than gold or jewels, having provided devoted service was named in the much abused Latin: Taporium Ductus Sanctus, becoming known in the vernacular as Duct Tape.

Upon seeing the miraculous abilities of the artifact, it was raised on high. ‘Oh Lord, bless this thy duct tape, that with it thou mayst repair the armour and weapons of this fair land’s army. And the Lord did grin, and the populace did repair the gorgets, pauldrons, rerebraces, vambraces, cuisses, greaves, shields, broadswords, daggers, bucklers, maces, javelins, halberds, pikes, axes, war hammers, corsets, basket handles, cloak clasps, cotehardie seams, tents, furniture, feast gear, flights of stairs, sporting equipment, recorked wine bottles, punished squires, (especially drunken squires), taped herald’s… perhaps I should skip a bit sire, it is a long text.

(fumble frantically through the book)

… and the Lord spake, saying ‘first shalt thou remove the holy wrapping, then shalt thou find the beginning of the roll; once the beginning is found; then shalt thou tear off a strip, using thy hands or if need be thy teeth. There shall be no cheating by use of scissors or other sharp object, To cut the holy duct tape in such a manner is to remove its miraculous all-purpose powers. Thus it shall be made to stick to itself and to the instrument of defilement. Once repaired and rearmed, sendest thou thy army against thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

There has been much rejoicing for this faithful servant to the dream. Since those early days, the blessed duct tape, once seen only in the grey of storm tossed seas, is now as white as the clouds; as black, blue, maroon and purple as a bruise; as light a blue as the sky above this desert realm; as yellow as the sun upon the royal arms; as green as the newest grass after the spring rains.; as orange as …well… an orange; as red as the lifeblood of the kingdom; pink - because it is the new black; tie-dye (two variations) - for everyone who remembers the sixties; digital camouflage - they’ll never see you coming; silver - oooh, shiny!!!, gold – the most noble and precious of all the metals, and burlap – because I can make anything look good ;).

However good gentles, recent explorations of the ruins of the Monastery of The Blessed and Holy Duct Tape have brought forth a great prize. Carved into the stone walls of abandoned catacombs, in an ancient language was found the Legend of the cave troll who protected our most holy tape from the enemy’s grasp.

“Behold the cave of Aethelwulf!” The enchanter proclaimed.

“Right! Keep me covered,” said the enemy leader.

“Too late!” said the enchanter.

“What?” asked the enemy leader.

“There he is!” squealed the enchanter as he hid behind the enemy leader.

“Where?” asked the enemy leader enthusiastically.

“There!” The enchanter pointed still hiding behind the enemy leader.

“What, behind the statue,” The enemy leader asked puzzled?

“It is the statue.” Said the cowering enchanter.

“You silly sod!” said the enemy leader.

“What?” asked the enchanter confused.

“You got us all worked up!” said the enemy leader relieved.

“Well, that's no ordinary statue!” said the enchanter getting upset.

“Ohh.” Said the enemy leader sarcastically rolling his eyes.

“That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered cave troll you ever set eyes on!” said the enchanter offended.

“You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!” said knight number one.

“Look, that statue's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!

“Get stuffed! I’m going to be the one to retrieve the holly duct tape of Atenveldt.” Said knight number one.

“He'll do you up a treat, mate.” Said the enchanter matter-o-factly.

“Oh, yeah?” and then knight number one walked towards the statue

“You mangy Scots git!” said knight number two to the enchanter.

“I'm warning you!” the enchanter shouted towards the first knight.

“What's he do, nibble your bum?” Knight number two asked sarcastically.

“He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!” The enchanter proclaimed, “look!”

“Aaaugh!” And with that, knight number one was defeated.

“Jesus Christ! They brought a cave troll!” said the enemy leader in disbelief.

The enchanter ninnied, “I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them—”

“Oh, shut up!” said the enemy leader. “Charge!”

The enemy did charge and were promptly slain.

“Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!”, etc. etc.

“Run away! Run away!” said the enemy leader.

“Run away! Run away!” screamed all the knights.

And that is all we have on that your majesties, three cheers for cave trolls!