Hindsight

Chapter Five

What happened with Xander

“So what are you so confused about?” Kristen asked me. Maybe she wasn’t the best person to talk to about this. Kristen was a gorgeous woman with auburn hair and startling green eyes. She’d always attracted nice-looking men. Her husband, Mitchell, was just as gorgeous as she was.

“I don’t know...guys don’t usually strike up random conversations with girls like me,” I said softly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kristen demanded. “You’re a very smart, sweet person!

I sighed. “But I’m not pretty, Kristen! And he kept saying I was. Even used the word beautiful. Why would he say that?”

“Maybe because it’s true?” Kristen offered. “Claire, you have lovely skin and those big brown eyes. You’ve got a great smile. Why would you think you’re not pretty?"

“I didn’t say I think I’m ugly...I’m just...plain. And you don’t understand how hot this guy is.”

“It sounds like he’s a very smart man. He can see your natural beauty,” she said. “I agree with you, Claire. You are plain. But not because you have to be. I’ve never seen you wear make-up or do anything more with your hair than put it into a ponytail.”

“I grew up on a communal farm in Colorado,” I reminded her. “I wore homemade clothes, and we did the whole organic, free range thing well before it was trendy. No one wore makeup or fancy hairdos. The chickens and cows didn’t exactly care about that stuff.”

“It doesn’t mean you can’t do those things,” Kristen argued. “Let me give you a make-up lesson!” She was excited, giggling. “It’ll be fun. I’ll never have my own daughter to do things like that with. You know Justin is a miracle baby! And with your skin and those eyes, it wouldn’t take much.”

I considered what she was offering. It might be fun. I’d never even worn tinted lip balm. I nodded and she nearly squealed with delight.

“If you like what I show you, I can teach you some simple ideas for your hair, too,” she said. “Or I can take you to my stylist for a cut, color, highlights, the whole thing. I’m happy to pay for it!”

I laughed because I literally had no expenses and they paid me well. “Do you remember what you pay me?” I asked. “I think I can cover it myself. But I don’t know if I want to go that far.”

“Fair enough,” she agreed. “So let’s just go upstairs and start with a bit of makeup?”

“Okay,” I said hesitantly. “But nothing too...much.”

*****

So the next Tuesday, I nervously pushed Justin’s stroller into the coffee shop, looking around. I felt so weird with the mascara on my lashes and the tinted gloss on my lips. I didn’t mind the blush on my cheeks because I figured I’d be blushing anyway.

I saw Xander sitting against the far wall, a corner table. He saw me and smiled, waving me over. I carefully navigated the stroller over to the table. I was able to tuck the stroller into the corner behind my chair, out of the way. Justin always fell asleep immediately after story time so I knew he’d sleep for at least an hour.

“I was worried you might not show,” Xander said, still smiling. “I’m glad you did.”

I nodded, thinking I’d been sure he wouldn’t show up. “I told you before, I come here every week.”

“You look nice,” he said. “I like your hair.”

Kristen had taught me how to do a fishbone braid, so my long, brown hair was secured loosely to one side with an elastic then expertly braided and secured again at the bottom. I had to admit, I liked the style. “Thank you,” I said.

He passed a steaming cup across to me. “I ordered for you,” he said. “I hope you don’t mind. Hazelnut latteé, right?”

“Yes, thank you,” I accepted the coffee but didn’t drink. I was so nervous.

Xander spread his hands on the table. “So,” he said. “Tell me about yourself, Claire.”

I was almost shocked he remembered my name. I mean, who remembers a name like Claire? “I’m afraid there’s not much to tell.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” he said congenially. “Where did you grow up? Did you go to college?”

I nodded. “I went to school here in Oregon. Richfield College. But I grew up in Colorado.”

“I love Colorado,” he said. “I used to ski there with my family when I was a kid.”

“My family likes to ski, too,” I said. “We didn’t do it a lot but it was fun.”

He nodded. “What else did you like to do?”

“I grew up on a farm so most of my time was spent there. There was always work to do.”

“Hard work, I guess,” he said.

I shrugged. “It was physical but I like to be active.”

His eyes travelled in a sort of up and down way that no man had ever done to me before. “I can tell,” Xander said. “You’re in great shape.”

My face was suddenly aflame, the dreaded blush. “Thanks,” I muttered.

He surprised me be reaching out and touching my hand. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m not used to being complimented like that,” I admitted. He was still touching my hand, and I was hoping he wouldn’t stop.

His fingers stroked mine, very lightly, nothing too forward. “I don’t understand that. You’re very attractive.”

“What about you?” I tried. “Did you grow up here?”

“No, I grew up back East. I went to college at UMass. Studied business.”

I was sort of starstruck. I’d never been anywhere but my family home and here. “So you’re a businessman?”

“I work for a consulting firm,” he said. “We go in and evaluate other companies to help them maximize productivity, see where they need improvements. The firm’s based here but I travel all over the country.

“That sounds exciting,” I said.

“It can be, I guess,” he said. “But it also gets tiresome. And lonely.”

I nodded like I understood, even though I had no clue. I still called home to talk to my parents once a week.

“Do you ever go back home? To the farm?” he asked.

“I haven’t been back since before I graduated,” I told him. “I started working right away, so I didn’t really have the time. I call my parents a lot, though.”

“What’s your degree in?” he asked.

“Education,” I said. “I planned on looking for a teaching position, but the nanny thing is a great fit for me. I really love it.”

“That’s so nice, isn’t it?” he said. “Loving your work makes it a lot easier.”

“Do you love your work?”

“Most of the time,” he said. “Like I said, the traveling gets old, especially when you have no one to come home to.”

I didn’t know what to say so I kept quiet. But I did notice I wasn’t feeling as nervous. I chanced a sip of the coffee.

“Would you consider having dinner with me sometime?” Xander asked. “I assume you do get time off? I’d really like to take you on a date.”

I was surprised by the question. I still couldn’t believe he was interested in me. I saw at least four other more attractive and likely more interesting women right here in the coffee shop. But I had promised Kristen, and myself, I guess, that I would let this unfold. “I have every Wednesday night off, every Friday morning and all day on Sunday.”

Xander smiled, beamed, really. “You don’t work on Wednesday evening, as in tomorrow evening?”

I nodded.

“So? Will you have dinner with me tomorrow night?” he asked.

I nodded again. “I think I’d really like that,” I said, meaning it.

He squeezed my hand then and I nearly fainted. His hand was warm and strong and it felt so nice to be touched like that.

“Would you mind terribly if we met at my office?” he asked. “I have a late conference call, but we can go directly from there when I finish.”

“I don’t mind. Just give me the address.” I handed my phone to him so he could plug in the address to Google Maps.

“Around 6:30?” he asked.

“Okay,” I agreed. “But, um...where are we going? So I dress appropriately.”

“Do you like Italian food? There’s Marconi’s over on Spruce Avenue. Food’s great. Casual attire is fine.”

“I’ve never been there but I like Italian.” I wondered if I’d even be able to eat a bite.

“Great,” Xander said. “I need to go back to work but I’ll see you tomorrow night?”

I nodded. “Yes, 6:30.” I held up my phone, indicating I had the address.

He gave my hand a final squeeze and left. I watched him go, my stomach filled with butterflies. Or maybe frenzied sparrows. Yeah, that sounded more like it.

*****

Xander opened the door to the restaurant and held it for me, placing his hand on the small of my back as I moved past him. I liked it, the light pressure of his hand. We were led to a cozy table near the front windows.

“Claire,” he said, “would you like wine?”

“Uh, sure,” I said. I wasn’t a big drinker, but maybe some wine would help calm my nerves. I’d feel awful if he paid for the meal and I couldn’t manage to eat it.

Xander perused the wine list then ordered a bottle. “I hope you like red?”

I nodded. Red, white, whatever. I didn’t really know. “Do you come here a lot?”

“Some co-workers and I like to come for lunch sometimes,” he said. “But I’ve never eaten dinner here.”

When the wine was delivered, Xander did the whole smelling the cork and swirling a taste around in his mouth before nodding his approval to the waiter. I’d never seen anyone do that except in movies. I had that starstruck feeling again.

The waiter filled my glass first, then topped off Xander’s. Once he’d left us, Xander lifted his glass. “To our first dinner together?” he asked with a smile.

I lifted my glass, smiling, too. This was fun. We tapped our glasses together and I took a small sip. It was actually really good. “Mmm,” I said. “I like it.”

“You sound surprised,” Xander said. “I’m pretty good at picking wine.”

“I know that now,” I said, and it must have sounded funny or witty because he laughed.

We ordered and were left with warm, crusty bread. I grabbed a piece and dipped it into the little dish of olive oil, nibbled a bit. I was afraid to drink any more wine without eating.

“You look really nice, by the way,” he said.

Kristen had insisted I wear a skirt. She’d gone on and on about wishing she had legs as long as mine, so I’d paired a charcoal gray light wool skirt that hit just above my knees with a burgundy-colored blouse. She’d said the color was striking on me. She’d also insisted I wear a pair of her knee high boots with a slim heel. She’d made me use a little eyeliner, as well as the mascara, and we’d used her flat iron to create loose waves in my hair. It was the first time I’d ever looked in the mirror and thought I looked pretty.

“Thank you,” I said. “I’m not really the type to dress up much.”

“Well, you pull it off quite nicely,” he said, and he was doing that thing again where his eyes traveled from my face, down my body and back up again. “You really look amazing. But you looked great when I first met you, too.”

I smiled. Whether it was his charm or the wine, I was loosening up. “I think I like this look a little better.”

He reached over and took my hand in his. “Do you mind? Is this okay?”

I nodded. It was okay. It was more than okay. I took another sip of the wine, another nibble of bread. “I’m sorry if I seem awkward. I don’t really date much.”

“I like how honest you are,” he said. “And you don’t need to apologize. I’m a little nervous, too. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a date.”

I had a hard time understanding that. He could probably have any girl he wanted. I started to wonder again why he wanted to spend time with me, but I heard Kristen’s voice in my head. You look stunning, Claire. And you’re an amazing person. This guy sees it. Don’t underestimate yourself.

Our food was served and once the aroma of homemade meat sauce hit my nostrils, I knew I’d have no trouble eating. Homemade cannelloni with a side of steamed asparagus. I enjoyed every bite.

We made small talk and I felt myself relaxing even more with every moment. Xander was charming, but he was also funny and sweet. I was really having a great time with him. I’d never enjoyed myself on a date this much.

When our meal was over, we decided to split a dessert. We settled on cheesecake topped with strawberries, and it was as delicious as the cannelloni.

Xander paid the check and helped me into my coat, then placed his hand at the small of my back again as we left the restaurant. We’d walked from his office to the restaurant since it was only a few blocks away and once we were outside, he took my hand in his.

He asked again, “Are you okay with this?”

“Yes,” I replied without hesitation. I slipped my fingers through his and it was the most natural thing in the world. I wondered if he would try to kiss me. I was hoping he would.

We chatted easily as we slowly walked back to his office building, where I’d left my car. I still suspected the wine was a big factor in my lack of nervousness. I’d had two glasses, more than I’d ever drunk before. We stopped a few times along the walk, him pointing out some detail of a building or asking if I’d ever shopped at this store, been to that bar.

I was disappointed when we could see his office building in our view. I was enjoying myself so much, I wasn’t ready for it to be over.

Xander walked me right to the door of my car, waited for me to unlock it then opened it for me. “I had a really nice time with you tonight, Claire,” he said as he turned me towards him and took both my hands in his. “I hope you’ll go out with me again.”

I nodded. “I had a great time, too, Xander,” I said. “I’d really love to see you again.”

He smiled at me then and I was afraid my knees were going to stop holding me up. He leaned in and I closed my eyes at the last moment. His lips brushed against mine, just barely, the softest whisper of a kiss.

“I hope that wasn’t too forward,” he apologized. “I really wanted to kiss you.”

I shook my head. “Not too forward,” I said, my voice breathy. “Would you do it again, please?” Oh yeah, that had to be the wine.

He leaned in again and our lips met. I pressed mine to his, softly, like he’d done the first time. I was about to pull away when his arms went around my waist and his mouth pressed more firmly to mine for a long moment.

He released me and stepped back a little. “I think I could stand here kissing you all night, but that seems less than appropriate. You’re a lady and I want to be gentleman. When can I see you again?”

“I usually work until 8:00 every evening but Wednesday,” I said. “But I’m a night owl, so…”

“A movie Friday night?” he asked. “I have a day trip to Portland tomorrow, won’t get back until late, but I’d love to see you Friday.”

“Friday is great,” I said. “Should I meet you again? Your office is closer to the theater than the Graves’ house.”

“Perfect,” he said. He kissed me once more, quickly, then stepped back, laughing. “You’re lips are incredibly soft. I’m afraid I could get carried away.”

I was blushing and figured the wine was finally wearing off. Good thing, since I still had to drive home. “Thank you for tonight,” I told him.

“It was my pleasure, Claire,” he said.

And just like that, I was dating Xander Davies, lying, devious, murderous, sociopathic bastard. But in my defense, I didn’t know all those things about him at the time. I guess that old saying about hindsight being twenty/twenty is true.

Chapter Six

Present Day

After work, I relieved Mrs. Wright and got started on dinner. Thursdays were Book Club night for me. I met a group of women in the basement of a local church and discussed the current book we were reading while Henry played with other children in an adjoining room with a child care attendant.

I stood at the stove, warming homemade tomato soup and flipping grilled cheese sandwiches while Henry built a Lego tower in the middle of the floor. “Mama, will Blake be at Book Club?” he asked.

“I imagine. She usually is.” Blake was Emily’s daughter, and she and Henry were good friends. We even did playdates frequently. Emily was nice, easy to talk to, not overly nosy, so we were friends. Or at least as close to it as I did with anyone other than Luke.

“Yay! Blake likes to play with cars and build stuff, like me,” Henry said matter-of-factly. “She doesn’t just like to play with dolls.”

“Nothing wrong with dolls, buddy,” I reminded him. “But I’m glad you two have fun together. Now go wash those hands. Dinner is ready.”

Henry ran to me and hugged my legs. “Love you, Mama,” he said before racing to the bathroom to wash his hands.

I smiled, watching him go. “Love you, too, Henry,” I said. It was funny how this kid, who didn’t share even a drop of my blood, was the single, most important person in my life. I loved him on a deep, visceral level, to the point it took my breath away. My eyes stung with tears. “God, Joy, you’re such a baby,” I whispered, turning back to the stove.

*****

“Do you want to take the kids to the park Saturday?” Emily asked as we were gathering our things after Book Club.

“I can’t Saturday. We have plans,” I said. “Fishing with Luke. What about Sunday, after church? The weather is supposed to hold.” It was early spring, and day to day, the weather could change (honestly, in Missouri, the weather was always like that), but right now, we were in a pattern of mid-sixties.

Emily’s eyebrows crept up her forehead. “So what gives?” she asked. “With Luke. You guys spend a lot of time together.”

It was a small enough community that people noticed that sort of thing. I smiled. “You’re as bad as my babysitter,” I told her. “Luke is a friend. He likes to be outside and active, like me and Henry. That’s all.”

Emily didn’t look convinced. “Joy, he’s a handsome, single guy and you’re a pretty single mom. You guys have things in common. It’s a logical leap to assume something more than ‘friends’ is going on.”

I just shrugged. “Sorry to disappoint,” I said. “Really, we’re just good friends.”

She kept pushing, which was unlike her. I started wondering if I needed to rethink the friendship.

“So would you be interested if he wanted to take the next step?” she asked. “God knows I would be!”

Then I got it. Emily was a single mom, too. She was fishing because maybe she was interested in Luke. It surprised me to find I wasn’t super crazy about the idea.

I turned to her. “I don’t know,” I said. “I’ve never thought about it. But I don’t have to worry about it because he doesn’t want to take the next step. Things are great just how they are.”

“If you say so,” Emily said. “But one of these days, some other woman is going snatch him up and you’ll be kicking yourself. You know as well as I do that good guys are few and far between.” Emily’s ex, according to her, had been a nightmare.

I could’ve told her a story...I smiled as I opened the gate to the playroom. “You’re right about that,” I agreed. “So Sunday? Park? After church, around noon? We could do a picnic.”

She rolled her eyes. “Okay, I get it, subject closed. Sure, Sunday would be great. I’ll bring sandwiches and veggies, you bring potato salad and dessert?”

“Deal,” I told her as I took Henry’s hand and led him up the stairs, eager to get away before she started in again.

*****

We sat on the the bank of a small pond, fishing poles dangling in the water. We’d fished here many times and never caught anything, but Henry had a ball and loved running around the pond by himself. I knew I was often overprotective of him but I figured I had good reason. We could see him every second and he was always equipped with a life vest, plus he’d been taking swimming lessons for nearly two years. So I allowed him this small freedom.

“How’s work going?” Luke asked as he checked the bait on his hook again.

“It’s good,” I replied. “The new client I took on last month keeps me busy.”

“You’re good at what you do,” he said. “I think I’d go crazy staring at a computer screen all day.”

Luke was more action-oriented. Running, hiking, fishing, canoeing, anything active. I liked those things, too, so Emily was right--we did have a lot in common.

“So what’s the news this month?” I asked. Luke had monthly contact with the nearest FBI field office as well as the U.S. Marshals service regarding Xander’s whereabouts. Since he was an undercover agent, he couldn’t risk more frequent communication. We all had to work hard to not attract the wrong kind of attention and questions.

He shook his head. “Still no leads,” he said. “No sightings, nothing to follow up on.”

I laid back on the grass. “Is this ever going to end?” I wondered. After two years, I was tired of wondering if Xander was going to just show up on my doorstep. Or at the local coffee shop I frequented. I shivered even though it wasn’t cold.

“We’ll never stop looking,” Luke reminded me. “He has to keep running. Eventually, he’ll tire out, make a mistake. We’ll get him, Joy.”

I nodded. It was the same conversation we had every month. I decided to change the subject. “I had an interesting conversation with Emily the other night at Book Club,” I said.

“Oh yeah?” he asked. “What about?”

“I think she might have the hots for you.”

“What?” he asked, laughing. He had a nice laugh.

I shrugged. “She thinks you’re handsome,” I said. “And she’s a lonely, single mom. She doesn’t have a great male friend like I do to share time with.”

Luke smiled. He had a nice smile, too. Okay, Emily was right. He was handsome. I guess I must’ve known that. He was tall, athletic, with hair that looked brown but was really more copper, hazel eyes. He kept his hair pretty short, not quite regulation since he was undercover, but close to it. Yeah, he was handsome.

“I’m sure Emily is a lovely woman,” he said. “But I don’t have time to date, you know that. And I’m not interested in her, anyway.”

“If they’d find Xander, you’d have time,” I said.

“Joy, come on, you know I don’t consider spending time with you and Henry work. Yes, it’s my job right now but you’re also my friend. And I love Henry. You guys are important to me. Between working at the high school and spending time with the two of you, I’m pretty booked up, and I’m fine with it.”

I let it drop because I didn’t know what else to say. I was secretly glad he wasn’t interested in Emily and a little worried about my sudden conscious realization of how good looking he was. I didn’t want to say something stupid that he’d take the wrong way.

“Do you want to stay for dinner tonight?” I asked. “I’m thinking homemade pizza?”

Luke just looked at me. “Well, hell, yes,” he said. “Your pizza is awesome. But we could just grab pizza from town, save you the work.”

I just gave him a look. He knew I was extremely particular about Henry’s diet. I avoided artificial, commercially prepared food as much as I could, the exception being the damned coffee drinks I was addicted to.

“One pizza parlor pizza isn’t going to hurt him,” Luke said and then shut up. So he was also smart.

“I have that good pepperoni you boys like,” I said. “And veggies from the farmer’s market. I can’t wait until I can start on our garden again.” Every May, I planted tomatoes, peppers, zucchini, cucumbers, and various herbs.

“Me, either,” Luke agreed. “Nothing beats fresh.”

“Maybe we should eat our sandwiches now,” I said. “Can you grab the cooler?”

He nodded and got up in one smooth motion that made my stomach tighten. He was so fit and athletic. I looked away quickly because it was a weird feeling and one that didn’t fit into this relationship. But once he was turned away from me, walking towards his car, I chanced a glance at him. Yeah, I thought, He is handsome. I frowned, not liking this one little bit.

Chapter Seven

We ended up spending the entire day at the pond. The weather was perfect and Henry was having so much fun. It had been a miserable winter with not much time to be outside, so I was almost as happy as Henry to be there.

By the time we got back to our house I was relieved to find that the awkward moments I’d felt earlier with Luke had passed. We had a strong friendship and we talked a lot, about most everything, we joked and teased. Half the time, I could almost forget who he was and why he was around.

Henry had wanted both Luke and I to give him his bath so once he was squeaky clean and both Luke and I had been adequately splashed with Paw Patrol bubbles, Luke offered to get Henry into bed while I finished cleaning up the kitchen. Homemade pizza was messy business.

I got everything into the dishwasher, leftovers wrapped up and was wiping down the stove and countertops when Luke returned from Henry’s room.

“I don’t think he’s ever fallen asleep that fast,” Luke commented. “We didn’t even get through the story before he was out.”

“All the fresh air and sunshine,” I said. “It wears him out. He’ll sleep all night, I’m sure.”

Luke crossed to the cupboard above the refrigerator. “Wine?” he asked. Luke never drank since he was literally always on duty, but he knew I enjoyed a glass of wine or two sometimes in the evenings. Especially when I knew Henry was tucked in, sleeping the whole night.

“Yes, please,” I said. Sometimes I wished I liked beer because the wine always reminded me of Xander.

Luke poured a glass for me and flipped the light switch. “Come on,” he said. “Grown-up time.”

I laughed. It was an old joke, what we called any opportunity to actually have a conversation without Henry’s input. I followed him into the small living room where we sat on the couch.

“I’m glad the weather turned out so great today,” Luke said. “I’ve been feeling stir-crazy lately.”

“The winter was not fun,” I agreed. “I’d really love to plan an overnight trip...I think Henry would love the St. Louis Zoo.” St. Louis was about three hours away, and my research had shown a lot of fun things for families to do.

Luke considered it. “I think we could probably make that happen,” he said. “Can I make a suggestion?”

“If I say no, you’ll do it anyway,” I said. “So, go ahead.”

“I started thinking...after what you were saying about Emily earlier,” he started.

I raised my eyebrows. “What about it? Change your mind?” I asked, teasing.

He laughed and shook his head. “Uh, no, not at all. Like I said, I’m sure she’s nice...but no.”

“Okay. So what about it?”

“I was thinking maybe you might think about dating.”

I nearly spit out my wine. “Me?? Why? Why on earth would I want to date?”

Luke looked at me patiently. He was definitely used to my stubbornness and my likelihood to overreact to anything that pushed me past my comfort zone.

“It’s just a suggestion,” he reminded me. “But...it’s been over two years, Joy. It would be normal for you to want to date.”

I studied my wine. I really hadn’t thought about dating. Ever again. The trauma of what had happened with Xander was still very real and raw. I was doing okay, but I knew I’d probably never trust anyone enough to spend that kind of time with them.

I shook my head. “I...I can’t, Luke. And you know why. You’ve read the case file. And besides, who would I date? Who’d want to go out with me, even if I was interested?”

Luke blew air between his lips. “Where do I start,” he muttered. “Okay, yes, I’ve read the file. I know all the awful details. But you don’t have to let it control you. You worked so hard, getting the therapy you needed. You’ve come so far, that time in your life...it doesn’t have to be the only thing that defines you. You won, you got away, you have Henry. You’re safe.”

I shrugged.

“And, dear God, Joy, do you ever look in a mirror. Any mirror?” he asked, exasperated. “You’re a very attractive woman. Don’t you see that? Just about any guy would want to go out with you.”

I took a long sip of my wine and turned to look at him. I was very aware, again, of how handsome he was. He was the only man I’d spent any significant time with since Xander. I hadn’t trusted him or even liked him at first. He was too bossy, too controlling, too smart for his own good. But he’d done his job well, and slowly but surely we’d gotten to this place. And now, for the first time, I started to question what this place really was, or might be.

Emboldened by the wine or maybe just by the level of comfort I had with him, I said. “Even you?”

He blinked at me, clearly surprised by the question. “Me?”

I nodded. “Yes, are you one of the guys who would find me attractive and want to go out with me?”

He sat back, just stared at me. “Do I find you attractive? I am a man. Of course I find you attractive. Would I go out with you?” He paused, still staring at me. “I don’t know how to answer that.”

“Honestly,” I said. “Answer it honestly. I’m a big girl. I can take it.”

He smiled at me and it was a really nice smile, so sweet and kind. “Joy, in a different life, I’d jump at the chance to go out with you.”

I put my wine down and crossed my arms, gave him a look that was not so nice. “Don’t patronize me,” I hissed.

He chuckled, understanding my moods so well. “I’m not, I swear. Yes, Joy, I am one of those guys.”

“In a different life, we probably would never meet,” I said.

“True,” he said. He was still staring at me.

I wasn’t sure what was going on here but something had changed. It was subtle but there. I was suddenly seeing him in a new light. As a man and not just a friend and personal security detail. I wasn’t prepared for whatever I was feeling. “I’m sorry,” I finally said. “I don’t know why I’m being like this.”

“Like what?” he asked.

“I don’t know...I know what our relationship is,” I said, trying to find the right words. “I guess when Emily kept going on about what a catch you are, I just started seeing you with her eyes?”

He nodded. “Oh, okay, so with her eyes, I’m a stud but with yours I’m just the G-man?”

I burst out laughing, I couldn’t help it. “Okay, sorry, that didn’t come out the way I intended.”

“It’s okay,” he said. “I think this might be the most awkward conversation we’ve ever had.”

“I’ll say.” Still, I didn’t really want to let it go. “Luke, I’ve always known that you’re an attractive man...but I guess I just didn’t really pay attention to that. It’s more about a defense mechanism for me than anything else. Emily brought it up front, that’s all."

Luke looked at me in a way I’d never noticed him looking at me before. He wasn’t looking at me as the target he needed to protect or even as his good friend. He was looking at me the way a man looks at a woman. My breath caught and I was dismayed that I liked that look. A lot.

He did something then, something he’d never done before. He reached out and brushed a strand of hair away from my face. It was the lightest of touches, completely gentlemanly and innocent and it nearly made my blood boil, in a very nice way. I remained completely still, afraid to move or breathe. I didn’t trust what I might do.

Then his hand was back in his lap. “There’s a line, Joy,” he whispered softly. “A professional line. I’ve never crossed it before.”

I nodded. “You have a lot of integrity. I respect that about you.”

“I don’t want things to become weird between us,” he said. “I probably shouldn’t have brought up the whole dating thing.”

“I was the one who got the conversation to this point,” I said. “I’ll own it.”

We continued to sit, looking intently at each other for a long while or at least it seemed like it.

Finally, he said. “I’m going to see this through,” he said. “And one day it’ll all be over and Xander Davies/Alex Laughlin will be in prison.”

“I know,” I said.

“And I’ll be right here when that happens.”

I nodded. I guess I knew that, too.

“I think I should go,” he said. “It’s late.”

“Are we okay?” I asked.

He smiled. “I think we are.”

He got up and grabbed his jacket. He gave my shoulder a squeeze (another thing he’d never done before) as we crossed to the front door. “Lock up,” he reminded me. “As soon as I’m outside.”

It was a reminder I never needed. I waved to him then closed the door, turned the lock, set the deadbolt, latched the chain, and put the security bar in place. I finished my wine and headed to bed, determined not to analyze everything that had just happened.