Hilarious Stories of the Unspoken

Grannie's traditional dessert for all our family get togethers is her homemade chocolate cake. She says every child loves chocolate cake; truth is she's a chocoholic, so I'm sure that has something to do with it! Doesn't matter, we love her like crazy and her cake is always delicious!

There's twelve of us when we all get together and Grannie makes two double layer chocolate cakes, as she wants everyone to have dessert and take pieces home, which is so sweet of her, Grand-dad says she makes two so she can guarantee there are left overs for herself too!

A few months ago, we finished eating dinner and Grannie was serving up her chocolate cake like usual, but it tasted different! It was hard to figure out why, it was just different. I said to Grannie, "Did you use a different brand or type of chocolate? It tastes weird, still good but weird!"

"I substituted the milk for pop, as Dylan asked me to make chocolate cake pop. I asked him which pop he liked and he said it didn't matter, maybe I used the wrong one!" She explained.

Dylan is my 3-year-old nephew!

My husband, brothers, their wives, myself and even some of the older kids, sat at the table biting our lip, not looking at each other and trying not to laugh! My eyes eventually glanced up, still biting my lip, I saw my daughter, Angelina, and she was ready to lose it, she glanced at me and that was it, she burst out laughing, in turn making us all explode as well!

I went to Grannie and gently told her what a cake pop was, explaining it is a new treat the kids love; its golf ball sized, ball of cake on a stick dipped in icing and sprinkles, they're a new thing and really good. Grannie looked at me like I was an alien or something! "You're kidding me right, a golf ball of cake on a stick? Why would he want that when he can have a big piece of my cake!" She loudly said. Trying again, I continued saying, "It's just a new thing, that's all, don't worry, we'll explain to Dylan that you don't make them, all's good, we love you!"

She sat there sipping her tea and bluntly says, "Well, honestly, I don't like pop in my cake, it tastes weird and it's probably going to give me the farts! Nowadays everything gives me the farts, I can't even eat my own potato salad anymore as my farts stink so bad Grand-dad goes downstairs and sleeps in the spare room.

From the other room, Grand-dad loudly says, "Oh my word, she's right about that, I swear she's trying to kill me, I've even checked the bedroom wallpaper to make sure it isn't peeling off the walls and you know the bed sheets still stink the next night!"

My husband and two brothers left the room and went to the backyard, I could see on their faces there was no saving themselves as totally losing it was inevitable! One sister-in-law excused herself and went downstairs, the other said she had to go to the bathroom; that left me sitting beside Grannie, my hand over my mouth trying not to burst into hysterics! Quickly I said to Grannie, "Excuse-me-I'll-be-right-back!" and dashed to the backyard and exploded into hysterical laughter with the guys!

Oh, my sweet gosh what a Grannie, she is the best, stinky farts and all, you just gotta love her!

Heading home Angelina mentioned she was looking forward to going to school in the morning to see the new girl that started last week. They had become friends and she was helping her learn English better, reading and all kinds of other stuff!

"Oh, that's so nice of you! Do you know where she moved from?" her dad asked.

"No but her parents got really sick and died!" replied Angelina.

"Oh gosh, that's so sad!" her dad and I simultaneously said.

She continued, "Yeah, she's living here now, part of some foster care thing. She told me that babies and young children usually get adopted, so she feels she won't as she is going to be eleven soon, too old!"

"Well, dear, I hope she does, it's so nice you both have become friends, as I'm sure she needs one! We are very proud of you for helping her out, you're a smart very nice girl; maybe she can come for pizza one day?" I suggested.

"Hi, come on in!" Angelina said opening the door when Faheema rang the bell. "I can't believe this is going to be your first ever sleepover!" as they ran up the stairs all excited. A bit later, they came down for pizza and Faheema told us how beautiful Angelina's room is, how pretty the house is and thanked us for the pizza, sleeping over and everything! She was definitely a great girl and we were so happy they had become friends!

The weekend flew by, the girls had a blast together and we planned another sleepover in a few weeks!

I got called out of my Monday meeting, the school told my assistant I was needed and to come quickly as Angelina was in the office and they needed to talk to me. I called her dad and we met at the school. The principal started telling us what happened and I interrupted explaining that I would like to hear what happened first hand from my daughter and her friend as they were actually there and involved. Angelina started explaining.

"Just before the lunch bell, the teacher asked Faheema to come to her desk and Faheema started walking to the front of the class, she suddenly made a big loud fart; took another step and farted again, another step and another fart flew out; all the way to the teacher's desk, farting with each step she took!

The classroom burst into wild crazy laughter! I couldn't believe what happened as I sat at my desk, feeling so bad for my friend!

Then it hit, they were so stinky! The teacher opened the class windows and clicked on her desk fan; everyone was holding their noses and screeching loudly, "EWWWW SOOOO GROSSSS!!" Waving their work books around in the air!

Faheema ran to me scared, we hugged and I told her, "Don't worry it was an accident!"

The teacher walked up to us and told Faheema to go to the office as that was unacceptable in her classroom and Faheema started to cry! I said to the teacher, "But, it was an accident, she didn't mean it! Everyone farts, even you!

The teacher glared at me like she wanted to set me on fire or something, bent down right in my face, bad breath was oozing from her mouth as she told me to go to the office too!

The next thing I saw was the teachers face covered in chocolate cake, I didn't know what happened, but I glanced over my shoulder and kind of freaked out as Faheema had grabbed my lunch container of chocolate cake off my desk and threw it at the teacher!

Then, as we sat out in the office waiting for the principal, Faheema told me she has always had a tummy gas problem and it has gotten worse because of the many new and different foods she is eating now. She also told me that if I didn't want to be her friend anymore, she understood!

I told her, that's crazy, everyone farts they just don't admit it, especially if it smells, they just try and blame it on someone else close by, but it's a natural body process and just happens! I'm still her friend, as it really isn't a big deal! I don't want to lose a friend over some farts! That's about it, we're here now."

Each of us got a two-day school suspension for disrespectful conduct! One afternoon I went online and searched stuff about farts; loud ones, stinky ones, strong cracking ones, wet watery ones, those itsy-bitsy sneaky ones, even about walking farts, running farts and those weird ones that travel up front versus stay in back!

I found a great thing on one of the websites, followed what it said and in no time, I had an awesome idea and plan!

My parents and Faheema's foster parents agreed that it was a nice idea to bring cookies and juice to class the day we return, like an apology! At first, I thought of Grannie's chocolate cake, but it didn't seem right after the teachers face smash incident!

The night before returning to school, I snuck down to the kitchen and very quietly grabbed the bag of red cups and returned to my room. Like I said, I had a plan, using a small paint brush I painted the inside bottom of each cup with the clear mixture I made as per the website instructions, it dried in no time and I stacked them all back into the bag and returned them to the kitchen before bedtime!

Everyone in the class was happy to see us, but still giggled, whispered and made fun of Faheema's farting incident; which made me mad as everyone does it, so why make such a big deal of it. It's so mean and hurtful making fun of someone for an accident that could have happened to anyone!

At lunch the teacher poured everyone a cup of juice and gave out two cookies each; as we were standing in line, I whispered into Faheema's ear, " Don't drink the juice, eat the cookies only!" She looked at me weird and I silently slowly mouthed the words again, "Don't drink the juice!"

As I watched everyone eating and drinking, I was smiling and giggling inside! I know what is about to happen isn't a nice thing to do, but they had it coming! Faheema's my best friend and I'll always have her back; that is the power of true friendship and love!

About ten minutes later, everyone in the classroom was uncontrollably farting! Wildly ripping them off and letting them blow! Kids were just standing there not knowing what to do, others were running around holding their butt cheeks, everyone had embarrassed scared looks on their faces! The teacher was sitting at her desk with a bewildered face, not moving, but I could tell every time she moved up and down in her chair, she was farting up a storm also!

No one was ever mean to Faheema again and both farting incidents were never talked about ever again; it all just vanished in the wind!

Faheema and I grew up as lifelong friends, she got adopted by a loving family and with their help she found out she was severely lactose intolerant, that is why she suffered with those bad smelly farts so much!

We attended university together for years and graduated with Honors and a Masters in Biochemistry; we became Chemists and our first goal was to help those that suffered with lactose intolerances!

The first item we developed in honor of Grannie, was a chewable chocolate cake flavored tablet that contains super power enzymes which metabolisms lactose molecules in the human body, thus reducing the fermenting process in the colon, resulting in not only less farts but less stink!

The second item is a self-adhesive patch, it looks like a small piece of chocolate cake, just peel it off the paper and slap one on each butt cheek, the heat from your body warms the patch, thus releasing a fresh baked chocolate cake scent, so even if you should let a big fart rip, people will only smell the wonderful delicious scent of chocolate cake!