Happy Little Things

The envelopes weighed my hands down as I sorted through them. My eyes burned from staring at the computer screen as I flicked from page to page. Occasionally I’d stop sorting the envelopes after tearing them open and start crunching numbers on a calculator. I sighed, unsure if I could stretch my paycheck any further.

I mumbled some profanity under my breath and tried to hold back tears. The pitter-patter of little feet stopped me abruptly. Sucking it all back in and closing my computer I quickly put a smile on my face. “Good morning love, how did you sleep?”

With a matted bed head and while rubbing her eyes the petite girl climbed into my lap. She wrapped her arms tightly around my neck. I caught a brief scent of her morning breath and made a face as she stared up at me through her thick eyelashes. “I have morning breath.” She giggled.

“I can smell that! Did you sleep well?” She nodded vigorously with a smile. I watched her peer over the mess on the table and her smile gradually disappeared. “Were you doing paperwork again?”

As hard as I tried to hide it from her, she always could sense when I was stressed. In an attempt to hide my despair I told her it was paperwork I had to file and put away. I told her it was just things that came in the mail to keep me busy and working. She was smarter than that. “Oh, Lonnie, I can’t hide anything from you can I?”

Lonnie shook her head, “Nope!” We sat silently as I tried to finger comb through her bed head. She fidgeted with the corner of a paper. “Mommy?”

“Yes, Lonnie?” I withdrew my fingers from her hair as she turned and looked at me. I could see a look of concern in her dark brown eyes. “What is it?”

“Are we going to have a long day again? Whenever you do paperwork you always say it’s a long day, and you get crabby.” I felt a sharp twang in my chest. Lonnie noticed and felt everything, even when I felt I was doing my absolute best at sheltering her from it all.

She noticed the days I was too caught up in the adult world that was still foreign to her. My tone became short and my temper followed. Little things set me off even when they shouldn’t have. I would yell when I didn’t need to, become agitated over the smallest inconvenience, and lack patience. Lonnie always ended up in the crossfire.

“I don’t want it to be a long day. Do you?” I rubbed my thumb gently down the side of her cheek.

“I want it to be a happy day.” She said.

I smiled. “Will you help me have a happy day?” With the biggest smile on her face, she hurriedly hopped off my lap and made her way upstairs. I watched intently waiting for her return. As she made her way back down the stairs with a small backpack on her back I could hear items in the bag rustling around. She dropped the bag on the table in front of me and clambered back onto my lap. With a puzzled look on my face, I asked her, "What is this?"

She made a face at me as if I should have already known. "It's my bag of happy little things." She said in a matter-of-fact manner. As she opened it I caught of glimpse of random knick-knacks inside.

I recognized the small white bag with its bunny ears and face. We had planned a hiking trip and Lonnie desperately wanted a hiking pack like mine, and that was what she chose. "That's your hiking pack, though."

"I know, that is why I chose it. It's the bag you got me for our hiking trip and I love it so much it made sense to use it." I watched as she started removing the knick-knacks from the bag and placing them in a line on the table. I looked over all of the items and felt a warm sensation spread through my chest.

"Honey, why are these your happy little things?" I gently squeezed her arm to get her attention off of emptying the bag.

"Well, because. I got all of these things on our adventures." She picked up a small handcrafted wooden bobblehead that looked like a caterpillar. "I got this the day we went to the fair, and I won that silly goldfish." Placing it back in line with the other items she picked up the next one. It was a beaded bracelet with rainbow beans along one side. "We got this at a pumpkin festival, and I got to ride the rides and tried fried Oreos." The next item was a shell. "I found this on one of our beach trips when we took the hotdogs to feed the crabs." There were socks from the trampoline park, a reloadable card from an indoor playground and arcade, small dolls, and stuffed animals from so many other outings together.

I wanted so desperately to create good memories for Lonnie. It was my attempt to hide that I was struggling. While she was at school I put in long hours for my job, and even longer hours during the night on the weekends. Whenever I was on my phone and she was begging for my attention I had to tell her I was working. I was stretching my limits trying to stretch my weekly check to provide for her and for us. Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought about all of the items in front of me and every penny I pinched in order to create those memories. Her happy little things. I pictured her on the days I would be mumbling under my breath about work, trying to find my patience, and keep myself sane. She would be in her room rummaging through this bag, remembering those times, forgetting the "long day".

"Mommy?" Her voice brought me back from my thoughts. "Why are you crying?"

I wiped my eyes not realizing I had been crying. "I love all of your happy little things. They make me so happy I had to cry." Her tiny arms were wrapped around my neck as a snaked mine around her tiny waist. In unison we squeezed each other so tightly the room seemed to brighten with our love. "You're my happy little thing, Lonnie." She smiled up at me so brightly and began to squeal as I planted a dozen kisses across her face. No matter how many long days we had ahead of us, all the happy ones in between will always be the ones she holds onto and remembers.