Grandad Jokes, Batch #5

1

What did Newton say to the apple?

May the force be with you.

2

Definition of predestination:

de fault of de stars.

3

It's not what you no;

it's what you yes that counts.

4

In Israel, a plumber and a carpenter were working together on a construction project.

The plumber boasted, "My dad invented the shower."

The carpenter replied, "My dad invented the rain."

5

The Earth is crazy.

Diagnosis - bipolar.

6

Chinese tell their kids:

"Think of all the overweight children in America.

Eat wisely."

7

When Moses had a headache,

God gave him two tablets and told him to rest.

8

God told Jesus,

"Walk,

don't run,

on water."

9

When the cannibals served missionary for lunch,

they called it "roast belief".

10

Vegetarians finally resolved the age-old question of

"which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

The egg plant.

11

What videogame was designed by a school of theology?

Moral Combat.

12

Early man had a bad sense of direction and often got lost.

That's how he earned the name "meander-thal man".

13

What did the papa shoe say to the baby shoe?

You are what you feet.

14

Some economists believe that the universe began

when a consortium of bankers paid God to create it.

That is known as the Big Bank Theory.

15

How do sinners communicate at sea?

re-morse code

16

The Gospel of John deifies all logic.

17

What nursery rhyme character was renowned as a mathematician?

Simple Simon

He was a pi man

18

What's another name for an oracle?

A fountain of eternal truth

19

Someone who skated through high school and college

became a success on Broadway

as an understudy.

20

When a college student has to repeat his first year,

that's called "refreshment".

21

My mother wrote

My father wrote.

So I learned by rote.

22

Some people can tell the future by listening to running children.

They read the pattern of little feet.

23

Why did the saliva drip down to the chin?

Because she wanted to explore outer face.

24

How can you say "broken" with just three characters?

132

(out of order)

25

What's a definition for "miraculous"?

Holy unlikely

26

What is the slogan of the Marine Corps math team?

Semper Finite

27

What is time squared?

The corner of 42nd St. and Broadway

28

An author with writer's block is ink capacitated.

29

What is a more shocking headline than "man bites dog"?

"egg lays hen"

30

The golden rule --

guilt is gold.

31

Why did the scientist go all over the world looking for tea?

He was seeking certain tea.

32

Why were early Lutherans thin?

A diet of worms

33

Which Greek philosopher was also a great athlete?

Soccer Tees

34

Who is the Father of God?

The Godfather.

35

Where can you learn to read a compass?

A magnet school.

36

What mathematical function helps get bank loans?

Cosign

37

What mathematical function is a person of color?

tan-gent

38

Prophets go to school to learn how to morrow.

39

The perfect gift for a spiritual leader --

birthday presence

40

The future is bright.

The past is stupid.

The present hasn't taken the test yet.

41

The after life is likely to be messy.

The after birth certainly is.

42

You can't take your time and have it too.

43

Definition of optimism:

If God were a professor and mankind a student

and if all that mankind has done so far were a first assignment,

God would say: "And this too shall pass."

44

Theme song of Edvard Munch -

To scream the impossible scream.

45

Treatise on the life styles of the idle and aged --

Bingo or Nothingness

by Jean-Paul Satire

46

Life is a many-layered cake.

Bite deep to taste it all.

47

The Uncertainty Theory --

When uncertain tea is served,

take it with a grain of salt.

48

The New World Order -

spaghetti and meatballs, Caesar salad, Italian bread, and a glass of water,

for nine billion people

49

Found humor -

Sign at entrance of funeral home:

"Beware.

Two-way traffic"

50

Many people wouldn't exist if it weren't for accidents.

That's why so many have type-o blood.

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