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Goodnight, Spaceman

How my film crew stopped an intergalactic invasion.

By Quin SmithPublished 2 years ago 24 min read
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Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say.

We see the cold dark vacuum of space. Only illuminated by the tiny glimmer stars bringing any life.

VHS static fades over the blackness of space. As the

static flickers on the screen, epic 80’s synth drums start

to fade in. Over the black screen, "WHEN THE WORLD IS ON

IT’S LAST LEGS," fades in. After a beat, it slowly fades

away. It is then replaced by: "ONLY ONE TEAM CAN SAVE THE

EARTH FROM TOTAL..." Just before it fades completely fades

away after a beat, "ANNIHILATION!" crashes onto the screen

in a fiery red font and it burns into the screen! The black

smashes away to reveal:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

There are explosions ripping up the lush treeline down below

the flying camera. As the explosions lead our eyes up towards

the horizon, we see a Sikorsky HH-60 Pave Hawk helicopter

fly into frame. It brings us level with the horizon and sitting

where the sun should be is a gigantic alien ship! This ship

is absolutely massive! If the Legion of Doom base had a baby

with the Death Star, this would be that abomination. It

hovers in the air and glows. The helicopter flies directly

towards the behemoth of a spaceship.

We wrap around the helicopter to see a painting of a classic

50’s pinup girl on the side. She is dressed up in a pulp

comic space suit firing a ray gun. Beneath her reads: "Bye,

bye Spaceman!" We move past that into:

INT. HELICOPTER CABIN - DAY - CONT.

MILLER, the leader of the group is hanging out of the cabin

looking toward the spaceship. He is wearing some sweet

reflective aviator glasses and chomping on a cigar. His

silver hair is being blown back and, by god, this is the

coolest old dude you’ve ever seen. He has the biggest smile

he has ever had in his life stretched across his face.

MILLER

Your ass is grass, Spacemen!

Miller swings back into the cockpit.

MILLER

Alright, ladies! Today’s the day you

make your mama proud!

Sitting in front of Miller is a small squad made up of three

US soldiers and one woman, STORM. She is dressed in a

business suit with an eye patch over her left eye and a

bandanna across her head. She sits down and looks out the

side of the helicopter, loading a magazine. Next to her is

two of the other soldiers, VAZQUEZ and T-BONE chatting.

Across from them is the last soldier of the squad, COOPER.

He is shaking like a leaf, making his strange-looking dog

tags jingle and the strap on his M16 rattle against it’s

mag. Miller sits down with the young soldier and puts his

hand on his shoulder.

MILLER

Are you sure you’re up to this,

son?

Cooper looks up at Miller and really pushes out a smile. His

lips still shaking.

COOPER

I don’t think I have a choice

anymore, sir.

Miller claps Cooper on the back.

MILLER

You’re going to be great!

Miller turns his attention to the rest of the crew.

MILLER

Alright, ladies!

He stands up and puts his hands on his hips.

MILLER

(cont.)

I’m not going to sugar coat it,

this is a suicide mission. I hand

picked each of you because if

anyone could do this task, it was

you!

The soldiers all cheer!

SQUAD

OORAH!

MILLER

That’s what I like to hear,

gentlemen!

As Miller finishes his sentence, a rocket shoots past the

open helicopter door.

PILOT

Sir! We have multiple boogies

approaching from the Mothership!

Miller moves up in between the pilot and his co-pilot.

Approaching them at a high speed are the tiny dots. There

are so many they begin to blackout the sky. The alien ships

speed past the helicopter, firing at Miller and his team.

MILLER

T-BONE! VAZQUEZ! MOUNT THOSE PIGS!

TIME TO SAVE THE GOD DAMN UNIVERSE!

T-Bone and Vazquez light up, and without hesitation, grab

the mounted M60s. They cock and start firing at the incoming

ships.

CUT TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY - CONT.

The helicopter starts to perform evasive maneuvers. The UFOs

are zipping past and firing like Stormtroopers. Tracer

rounds are lighting up the sky as they embed themselves into

the UFOs. BOOM! aliens are blowing up left and right, the

sky looks like a Daft Punk concert.

CO-PILOT

WE’VE GOT TARGET LOCK!

PILOT

SHIT! DEPLOY FLARES!

A bigger alien ship shoots two massive plasma missiles.

PILOT

(To Co-Pilot)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! DEPLOY THE

GODDAMN FLARES!

CO-PILOT

THE SWITCH’S STUCK!

As they approach the helicopter they get brighter and

brighter.

The Co-Pilot is really struggling with pushing the button

down. Right before impact, Storm punches the switch down.

The flares finally deploy and the plasma missiles chase the

flares.

CO-PILOT

(To Storm)

Thanks...

Storm moves back into her chair.

CUT TO:

INT. HELICOPTER CABIN - DAY - CONT.

Miller is watching the fine work T-Bone and Vazquez are

doing as he chomps on his cigar.

PILOT

Sir, you need to see this.

T-BONE

(To Cooper)

EMPTY!

COOPER

(To T-Bone)

COPY!

Cooper quickly changes the M60’s belt. Miller steps into the

cockpit and looks out the window.

PILOT

I don’t think we’re going to get

out of this.

They are approaching the side of the Mothership and it looks

heavily armored.

MILLER

HA! Sure we will.

Miller turns back and looks at Storm with a huge smile.

MILLER

(To Storm)

Bring out, The Little Boy.

Storm smirks. She gets up and opens the case she was sitting

on. She pulls out and assembles a cartoonishly large rocket

launcher. Miller attaches a carabiner to Storm’s harness.

MILLER

Open us a door, little lady.

Storm leans out the side of the helicopter and aims the

rocket launcher towards the wall of UFOs.

STORM

With pleasure.

She squeezes the trigger and BOOM! A missile bursts out

followed by a cloud of smoke.

CUT TO:

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY - CONT.

The rocket is flying past all of the UFOs and towards the

Mothership. The rocket has a speaker built into the side. As

it flies, Danke Schoen by Wayne Newton is playing. It passes

the last of the ships and collides with the ship’s hull.

CUT TO:

INT. HELICOPTER CABIN - DAY - CONT.

Miller is between the pilots as the massive explosion grows

from the side of the ship.

MILLER

(To Pilot)

Never doubt American ingenuity.

Miller pats the pilot on the shoulder.

MILLER

Prepare for contact!

CUT TO:

EXT./INT. MOTHERSHIP HANGER - DAY - CONT.

The helicopter flies through the giant hole, all guns

blazing at the ground troops struggling to get up. The helicopter begins to land. Right

before touchdown, Miller jumps down to the ground with Storm

and Vazquez on each side. Miller fires both of his M1911, Vazquez has his M60 and Storm has a classic M16 with

a grenade launcher. Explosions are happening all around them.

They look incredibly badass!

PILOT

Can’t land! LZ’s too hot!

As the badasses make their way through the hanger and blow up every alien they lay eyes on. Back in the helicopter, T-BONE is coming to the end of his belt.

T-BONE

(To Cooper)

Nearly dry! Grab me th--

CRACK! T-Bone’s face explodes onto Cooper.

Inside the cockpit, warning alarms start to go off.

CO-PILOT

OH CRAP! TARGET LOCK!

The helicopter starts to fly back out of the hole in the

wall. As it flies backward, an alien’s plasma launcher

fires toward the helicopter. Cooper wipes the blood off his

glasses and looks out to see the rocketing blue ball. Cooper

turns and jumps out of the helicopter just as: BOOM! The

helicopter explodes!

Miller, Vazquez, and Storm all turn around and see the

explosion.

VAZQUEZ

T-BONE!

Vazquez looks across the hanger to see his friend’s

murderer.

VAZQUEZ

(cont.)

COME ON YOU GRAY SONOFA BITCH!

Vazquez starts screaming and running toward the alien. He

drops his M60 and pulls out two large bowie knives. He jumps

onto the flaming wreckage and launches himself into the air.

He raises his knives and swings them into the alien’s chest

as he returns to the ground. Vazquez continues to

stab the gray, crying while he does it.

The aliens stop attacking. Miller and Storm see this and

decide to stand back to back. Miller looks over towards the

wreckage.

MILLER

COOPER!

A bit of sheet metal is thrown out of the way. A very

bloodied Cooper pulls himself up.

COOPER

Sir.

CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. These slow claps echo throughout the

hanger.

UNKNOWN VOICE

(O.S.)

Well done humans. I’m surprised you

made it this far with your

primitive weaponry.

Vazquez stops stabbing and looks for the sound.

MILLER

If it’s good enough for The Duke,

it’s good enough for me!

UNKNOWN VOICE

(O.S.)

Very well. But did your "Duke" have

these?

The source of the voice steps into the hanger. Standing

there; THE OVERLORD. He starts to walk toward the remainder

of the squad. His armour is a dark purple metal with orange

lights made of energy pulsing through his joints. He is

holding two energy swords. They are flickering with a bright

orange light. Overlord stops walking. He raises his swords

and smashes them together. They emit a large orange aura in

the shape of a demon skull.

Miller smirks.

MILLER

That’s all you got?

Miller tilts his head back towards Cooper. Not taking his

eyes off Overlord.

MILLER

(cont.)

Cooper?

COOPER

Sir.

Cooper pulls himself out of the rubble.

MILLER

You ready?

COOPER

As I’ll ever be.

Cooper grabs his dog tags and places his thumb in the

center. The dog tags start to glow. The Overlord starts to

laugh.

OVERLORD

That’s it? A child’s nightli--

BOOM! Overlord is shot back into the door he came from.

Cooper lowers his steaming arm cannon and walks up next to

Miller and Storm. From his hand, metal is moving its way up

his body; creating armour. The armour ends at the top of his

neck just as he reaches Miller and Storm.

A powerful roar comes from the Overlord-shaped hole in the door.

COOPER

Why couldn’t that be it?

The door smashes open and the Overlord steps out!

OVERLORD

THAT’S IT YOU FOPDOODLE!

Overlord raises his arm, said arm turns into a cannon and

charges up with growing orange light.

OVERLORD

(cont.)

DIE!

The cannon shoots a plasma missile toward Miller and Storm.

BOOM! A huge explosion knocks all the surrounding aliens and

Vazquez.

The dust settles. Cooper is standing between the Overlord

and his crew. Cooper smiles like an excited child.

COOPER

Is that all you got?

Overlord screams and runs towards Cooper, and Cooper charges

right back at him. The two of them collide and fly through

the hanger! Fists and kicks are flying everywhere! A Bruce

Lee film in the sky! Miller and Storm are watching on from

the ground. Miller lights up another cigar.

MILLER

What a beautiful site.

As Miller takes a puff, lazers start zipping past Storm and

Miller’s heads. They duck down and start firing back at the

aliens.

Cooper fights in the sky with Overlord and the rest of the

team fights the aliens. Miller and Storm shooting and

Vazquez stabbing. All is going well! Our heroes are kicking

ass and chewing bubblegum! It all looks incredibly epic!

BOOM! Vazquez takes a shot to the chest, his sternum

bursting through his back! Storm gets covered in Vazquez’s

blood! She stops firing and starts spilling it out and

trying to wipe it away.

STORM

Oh my god, ew!

Storm takes a shot to the stomach and everything falls out.

She barely reacts and just keeps trying to get the blood off

her face. Miller looks over and sees Storm wiping her face.

MILLER

STORM! NOOOOO!!!

BOOM!!! Overlord crashes to the ground next to Miller.

Miller shields his eyes from the rubble.

STORM

(in the BG)

Guys, guys, I think there is blood

in my eye!

Miller looks at the now crippled Overlord. He walks up and

reloads his M1911.

OVERLORD

You stupid little humans! You can’t

destroy us all!

Miller stands right over the Overlord.

MILLER

Probably not.

Miller points the gun at Overload’s head.

MILLER

But you’re a... Just wa--

Miller lowers his gun and looks off the side.

MILLER

(to someone off screen)

What’s the line?

DIRECTOR

(O.S.)

CUT!

EXT. SEAN’S BACKYARD - DAY

Jake, a fithteen-year-old actor playing Miller is standing

over his cardboard-clad friend Elliot. Their costumes look

very homemade and very cheap. Jake looks up at their young

director, Stan.

JAKE

Stan, what’s the line?

Stan hops down off his lawn chair, with director written on

the back with tape, and walks up to Jake and Elliot.

STAN

It’s easy! "Probably not." Point

gun. "But you’re a good start!"

BANG! Then you look out to see all

the other aliens who are now bowing

down to you.

JAKE

But can we change that line?

STAN

What’s wrong with it?

JAKE

It’s a little... lame.

ELLIOT

Yeah, it’s pretty lame.

Stan looks down at Elliot.

ELLIOT

(cont.)

I mean, can you hear Arnold saying

that?

Elliot is looking up at a visibility annoyed Stan.

ELLIOT

(in his best Arnold voice)

Probably not. But you’re a good

start, argughag!

DEE (O.S.)

Guys, the fake blood isn’t coming

out!

The three boys all look over to DEE. Her eye patch and ill-fitting military fatigues absolutely caked in fake blood.

YUVEN, in his bloodied cheap costume fatigues, is trying to

clean her arm with a towel.

.

DEE

Grandpa is going to kill me if he

sees this! What’s in it anyway?

YUVEN

Clear Karo syrup, red food

colouring, non-dairy creamer and

one drop of blue food coloring.

DEE

Does it wash out?

Yuven stays silent and keeps wiping her arm.

DEE

YUVEN!

YUVEN

Maybe! Haven’t really tested it.

But it does get really stiff if you

don’t get it all out quickly.

Stan looks around his set. It’s a shambles. Everyone is

arguing with each other and he’s had enough.

STAN

Alright! We’re done for today. We

only have one more shot to get on

the hill, but we can do that

tomorrow.

MATT pushes himself off the back fence. The weight of his

own homemade power suit nearly drags him to the ground. This

suit looks way goofier than Elliot’s.

MATT

If we’re done, can someone help me

out of this?

Jake helps up Elliot and Yuven hands Dee the towel and turns

his attention to Matt. Yuven helps Matt off the wall and

starts to take off his armour. Stan walks off the set and

inside.

INT. SEAN’S KITCHEN - DAY

Stan walks through the screen door and into the kitchen. He

sees SEAN, now in a tank top and boxers, in the fridge.

STAN

Hey Sean, is there a bottle of

water in there?

SEAN

We aren’t in Hollywood yet. Use the

tap!

Stan crosses the kitchen and opens up a cupboard and grabs a

glass.

STAN

What happened to your costume?

SEAN

Once I died on screen, I put it in

the wash. When Yuven and I made the

blood he said it could stain.

STAN

Crap. You couldn’t wait for all the

other costumes?

Stan makes his way to the sink as Sean finally comes out

from the fridge, hands full of chicken pieces and waffle

batter.

SEAN

I died an hour ago, dude.

Stan fills his glass and turns to Sean.

SEAN

(cont.)

Good thing I did too. I can get a

head start on dinner!

STAN

We just finished and you’re only

just starting. What have you been

doing for an hour?

SEAN

...don’t worry about that. This

will be ready soon.

Sean smiles at Stan and gets to cooking.

The rest of the crew come through the back door, all of them

holding different bits of gear. Dee isn’t getting any more of

that blood off her.

DEE

Oh my god, this is so bad! Sean,

where’s the laundry?

SEAN

Up your ass and to the left.

Sean looks up from the food to see a pissed-off Dee.

SEAN

(cont.)

Sorry. Up the hall and to the left.

DEE

(still scrubbing her shirt)

Thanks.

Dee disappears into the hallway. Matt and Elliot take their

cardboard costumes into the next room while Yuven and Jake

sit down at the counter.

YUVEN

Did we have to kill off T-Bone

first? I mean, come on, the only

brown guy in the film gets offed

first.

STAN

That’s not why he dies first! It’s

because he is trying to protect the

man he loves.

YUVEN

Wait, I’m in love with Vazquez?

STAN

Well, it’s not explicitly said but

it’s implied. Adds a bit of

diversity to the film.

YUVEN

How am I meant to get chicks after

this if they all think I’m gay?

JAKE

Some of the best actors have played

gay guys. Tom Hanks, Sean Penn,

Dave Foley--

YUVEN

I’m sure you’re the first person to

put Dave Foley in a sentence like

that.

JAKE

What? Blast From The Past was

great!

Stan points at Jake and gives him a look of agreement.

JAKE

Thank you! He’s so underrated! He

is amazing in Bugs Life! Everyone

talks about David Hyde Pierce and

Phyllis Diller--

YUVEN

Do they?

Stan shakes his head.

JAKE

(cont.)

--but who is standing up for the

man who leads that movie? Me! That’s

who! One day I’ll work with that

man and I’ll let him know how

amazing of an actor he is!

Matt and Elliot walk back into the room.

MATT

Is he going on about Dave Foley

again?

SEAN

Yep.

MATT

Everyone needs a hero I guess.

Dee pops her head around the corner from the hallway.

DEE

Hey, Sean. Weird request, but you

wouldn’t happen to have any eye

patches? I left my spare at home.

Sean looks up at Dee.

SEAN

Umm... I can take a look. This is

ready now anyway.

INT. SEAN’S LOUNGE ROOM - NIGHT

The whole crew is sitting in the dark lounge room around

the coffee table. The only light is coming from the TV.

Everyone is in varied tracksuits and eating chicken and

waffles. Dee is sitting next to the table with a new and

fancier eye patch. Black, plastic, and with a skull and

crossbones. They are all in front of the TV watching the

dailies.

ELLIOT

This is really good.

Stan feels really proud and his face really shows that.

STAN

Thanks, man. That means--

ELLIOT

Oh, sorry. I mean Sean’s chicken.

Stan sighs.

ELLIOT

(cont.)

I mean, the movie is looking really

good too!

MATT

Nice one.

ON THE TV SCREEN

"T-Bone" and "Vazquez" are sitting out the sides of the

green-painted cardboard helicopter, both holding Nerf

N-Strike Vulcans. They are shooting out of the sides and

yelling. In between, them is "Cooper" holding a realistic

ammo box and acting distressed.

STAN (O.S.)

BOOM!

"T-Bone", "Vazquez" and "Cooper" react to the "explosion".

YUVEN

Once I add the lazers it’s going to

look great!

Jake looks over at Stan.

JAKE

So after the hill shot we’re done?

STAN

Oh yeah! Then I’ll give it to Yuven

and he’ll make it look incredible.

And we can get started on The

Slasher from Beyond!

Matt glances at Dee and his stomach is doing flips.

The feeling has been there for as long as he can remember, but

it’s been reaching its peak while filming this movie.

A blooper comes up on the screen and everyone laughs. Dee

looks around at everyone and her eye locks with Matt’s. She

gives him a loving smile. Does she feel the same way? Matt

returns the same loving smile.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE HILL - AFTERNOON

Jake is standing at the end of the hill in full Miller

costume, covered in blood and holding his toy M1911, badass

shades, cigar in his mouth, and a smile across his face. Next

to him is Dee in a cyborg Storm costume. They look off into

the distance.

Sean holds a boom pole and lowers it between Jake and Dee.

Matt stands next to Dee holding a reflector and Yuven does

the same with Jake. Stan stands behind his DSLR.

STAN

Camera, rolling. Sound?

SEAN

Speed.

STAN

Okay... action.

80S FILM

Miller takes in a big chestful of air and exhales.

MILLER

We did it. Earth is now free from

all alien scum.

STORM

But zir, vhat about the demon’z

coming from the interdenominational

rift?

Miller takes a drag from his cigar.

MILLER

We’ll send them back to The

Infinity. Just like Overlord and

his foot soldiers.

Miller puts his hand on Storm’s shoulder.

MILLER

(cont.)

Our friends didn’t die for

nothing, Storm.

STORM

Storm is dead. Call me CYBER-STORM.

Miller smiles as a tear rolls out from his sunglasses.

MILLER

Okay, Cyber-Storm.

VROOM! Cooper flies in front of Miller and Storm. His armour

looks unscratched and even better than before.

COOPER

Sir! The Matter-Eater has destroyed

all of New Zealand and he’s now

making his way to Australia!

Miller wipes away his tear and snorts up his snot. He looks

up at Cooper.

MILLER

Let’s ruin that bastard’s holiday

plans!

Cooper smiles and grabs Cyber-Storm and Miller’s hands and

flies off into the sunset.

The credits for Goodnight Spaceman roll.

PULL OUT TO REVEAL:

INT. ALIEN MOTHERSHIP

An alien hologram playing the film. The hologram is playing

from the center of a command console, which is in the middle

of a massive command deck. Lots of aliens are running

around keeping the ship functional. Standing in front of the

gigantic hologram is a very muscular alien. Two big black

eyes sit in the gray head of THE MIND. He is draped in

purple, gold, and red robes with a high collar covering the

back of his head. He looks at the video with seething

anger.

THE MIND

(Alien Dialect)

Where did you say this came from?

Not too far behind him stands an even bigger alien. Same

skin and eyes, but much, much more muscular. He looks like

he could bench press a skyscraper. He is dressed in purple

military armour. This is simply, THE FIST.

THE FIST

(Alien Dialect)

It came from one of the planets the

Uvar spliced.

THE MIND

(Alien Dialect)

A failed science experiment has

found a way to destroy the Sheroon?

THE FIST

(Alien Dialect)

It would seem so. What would you

like to do about it, sir?

The Mind turns away from the hologram and walks up to The

Fist.

THE MIND

(Alien Dialect)

I want you to study it. Research

their weapons and improve upon

them.

THE FIST

(Alien Dialect)

Sir.

The Mind turns back towards the hologram and walks up to the

console.

THE MIND

(Alien Dialect)

Then, we will crush them.

Sci Fi
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