Goodnight, Spaceman
How my film crew stopped an intergalactic invasion.
![](https://res.cloudinary.com/jerrick/image/upload/d_642250b563292b35f27461a7.png,f_jpg,fl_progressive,q_auto,w_1024/62fc5135e0ecf6001d510198.jpg)
Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say.
We see the cold dark vacuum of space. Only illuminated by the tiny glimmer stars bringing any life.
VHS static fades over the blackness of space. As the
static flickers on the screen, epic 80’s synth drums start
to fade in. Over the black screen, "WHEN THE WORLD IS ON
IT’S LAST LEGS," fades in. After a beat, it slowly fades
away. It is then replaced by: "ONLY ONE TEAM CAN SAVE THE
EARTH FROM TOTAL..." Just before it fades completely fades
away after a beat, "ANNIHILATION!" crashes onto the screen
in a fiery red font and it burns into the screen! The black
smashes away to reveal:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
There are explosions ripping up the lush treeline down below
the flying camera. As the explosions lead our eyes up towards
the horizon, we see a Sikorsky HH-60 Pave Hawk helicopter
fly into frame. It brings us level with the horizon and sitting
where the sun should be is a gigantic alien ship! This ship
is absolutely massive! If the Legion of Doom base had a baby
with the Death Star, this would be that abomination. It
hovers in the air and glows. The helicopter flies directly
towards the behemoth of a spaceship.
We wrap around the helicopter to see a painting of a classic
50’s pinup girl on the side. She is dressed up in a pulp
comic space suit firing a ray gun. Beneath her reads: "Bye,
bye Spaceman!" We move past that into:
INT. HELICOPTER CABIN - DAY - CONT.
MILLER, the leader of the group is hanging out of the cabin
looking toward the spaceship. He is wearing some sweet
reflective aviator glasses and chomping on a cigar. His
silver hair is being blown back and, by god, this is the
coolest old dude you’ve ever seen. He has the biggest smile
he has ever had in his life stretched across his face.
MILLER
Your ass is grass, Spacemen!
Miller swings back into the cockpit.
MILLER
Alright, ladies! Today’s the day you
make your mama proud!
Sitting in front of Miller is a small squad made up of three
US soldiers and one woman, STORM. She is dressed in a
business suit with an eye patch over her left eye and a
bandanna across her head. She sits down and looks out the
side of the helicopter, loading a magazine. Next to her is
two of the other soldiers, VAZQUEZ and T-BONE chatting.
Across from them is the last soldier of the squad, COOPER.
He is shaking like a leaf, making his strange-looking dog
tags jingle and the strap on his M16 rattle against it’s
mag. Miller sits down with the young soldier and puts his
hand on his shoulder.
MILLER
Are you sure you’re up to this,
son?
Cooper looks up at Miller and really pushes out a smile. His
lips still shaking.
COOPER
I don’t think I have a choice
anymore, sir.
Miller claps Cooper on the back.
MILLER
You’re going to be great!
Miller turns his attention to the rest of the crew.
MILLER
Alright, ladies!
He stands up and puts his hands on his hips.
MILLER
(cont.)
I’m not going to sugar coat it,
this is a suicide mission. I hand
picked each of you because if
anyone could do this task, it was
you!
The soldiers all cheer!
SQUAD
OORAH!
MILLER
That’s what I like to hear,
gentlemen!
As Miller finishes his sentence, a rocket shoots past the
open helicopter door.
PILOT
Sir! We have multiple boogies
approaching from the Mothership!
Miller moves up in between the pilot and his co-pilot.
Approaching them at a high speed are the tiny dots. There
are so many they begin to blackout the sky. The alien ships
speed past the helicopter, firing at Miller and his team.
MILLER
T-BONE! VAZQUEZ! MOUNT THOSE PIGS!
TIME TO SAVE THE GOD DAMN UNIVERSE!
T-Bone and Vazquez light up, and without hesitation, grab
the mounted M60s. They cock and start firing at the incoming
ships.
CUT TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY - CONT.
The helicopter starts to perform evasive maneuvers. The UFOs
are zipping past and firing like Stormtroopers. Tracer
rounds are lighting up the sky as they embed themselves into
the UFOs. BOOM! aliens are blowing up left and right, the
sky looks like a Daft Punk concert.
CO-PILOT
WE’VE GOT TARGET LOCK!
PILOT
SHIT! DEPLOY FLARES!
A bigger alien ship shoots two massive plasma missiles.
PILOT
(To Co-Pilot)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! DEPLOY THE
GODDAMN FLARES!
CO-PILOT
THE SWITCH’S STUCK!
As they approach the helicopter they get brighter and
brighter.
The Co-Pilot is really struggling with pushing the button
down. Right before impact, Storm punches the switch down.
The flares finally deploy and the plasma missiles chase the
flares.
CO-PILOT
(To Storm)
Thanks...
Storm moves back into her chair.
CUT TO:
INT. HELICOPTER CABIN - DAY - CONT.
Miller is watching the fine work T-Bone and Vazquez are
doing as he chomps on his cigar.
PILOT
Sir, you need to see this.
T-BONE
(To Cooper)
EMPTY!
COOPER
(To T-Bone)
COPY!
Cooper quickly changes the M60’s belt. Miller steps into the
cockpit and looks out the window.
PILOT
I don’t think we’re going to get
out of this.
They are approaching the side of the Mothership and it looks
heavily armored.
MILLER
HA! Sure we will.
Miller turns back and looks at Storm with a huge smile.
MILLER
(To Storm)
Bring out, The Little Boy.
Storm smirks. She gets up and opens the case she was sitting
on. She pulls out and assembles a cartoonishly large rocket
launcher. Miller attaches a carabiner to Storm’s harness.
MILLER
Open us a door, little lady.
Storm leans out the side of the helicopter and aims the
rocket launcher towards the wall of UFOs.
STORM
With pleasure.
She squeezes the trigger and BOOM! A missile bursts out
followed by a cloud of smoke.
CUT TO:
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY - CONT.
The rocket is flying past all of the UFOs and towards the
Mothership. The rocket has a speaker built into the side. As
it flies, Danke Schoen by Wayne Newton is playing. It passes
the last of the ships and collides with the ship’s hull.
CUT TO:
INT. HELICOPTER CABIN - DAY - CONT.
Miller is between the pilots as the massive explosion grows
from the side of the ship.
MILLER
(To Pilot)
Never doubt American ingenuity.
Miller pats the pilot on the shoulder.
MILLER
Prepare for contact!
CUT TO:
EXT./INT. MOTHERSHIP HANGER - DAY - CONT.
The helicopter flies through the giant hole, all guns
blazing at the ground troops struggling to get up. The helicopter begins to land. Right
before touchdown, Miller jumps down to the ground with Storm
and Vazquez on each side. Miller fires both of his M1911, Vazquez has his M60 and Storm has a classic M16 with
a grenade launcher. Explosions are happening all around them.
They look incredibly badass!
PILOT
Can’t land! LZ’s too hot!
As the badasses make their way through the hanger and blow up every alien they lay eyes on. Back in the helicopter, T-BONE is coming to the end of his belt.
T-BONE
(To Cooper)
Nearly dry! Grab me th--
CRACK! T-Bone’s face explodes onto Cooper.
Inside the cockpit, warning alarms start to go off.
CO-PILOT
OH CRAP! TARGET LOCK!
The helicopter starts to fly back out of the hole in the
wall. As it flies backward, an alien’s plasma launcher
fires toward the helicopter. Cooper wipes the blood off his
glasses and looks out to see the rocketing blue ball. Cooper
turns and jumps out of the helicopter just as: BOOM! The
helicopter explodes!
Miller, Vazquez, and Storm all turn around and see the
explosion.
VAZQUEZ
T-BONE!
Vazquez looks across the hanger to see his friend’s
murderer.
VAZQUEZ
(cont.)
COME ON YOU GRAY SONOFA BITCH!
Vazquez starts screaming and running toward the alien. He
drops his M60 and pulls out two large bowie knives. He jumps
onto the flaming wreckage and launches himself into the air.
He raises his knives and swings them into the alien’s chest
as he returns to the ground. Vazquez continues to
stab the gray, crying while he does it.
The aliens stop attacking. Miller and Storm see this and
decide to stand back to back. Miller looks over towards the
wreckage.
MILLER
COOPER!
A bit of sheet metal is thrown out of the way. A very
bloodied Cooper pulls himself up.
COOPER
Sir.
CLAP. CLAP. CLAP. These slow claps echo throughout the
hanger.
UNKNOWN VOICE
(O.S.)
Well done humans. I’m surprised you
made it this far with your
primitive weaponry.
Vazquez stops stabbing and looks for the sound.
MILLER
If it’s good enough for The Duke,
it’s good enough for me!
UNKNOWN VOICE
(O.S.)
Very well. But did your "Duke" have
these?
The source of the voice steps into the hanger. Standing
there; THE OVERLORD. He starts to walk toward the remainder
of the squad. His armour is a dark purple metal with orange
lights made of energy pulsing through his joints. He is
holding two energy swords. They are flickering with a bright
orange light. Overlord stops walking. He raises his swords
and smashes them together. They emit a large orange aura in
the shape of a demon skull.
Miller smirks.
MILLER
That’s all you got?
Miller tilts his head back towards Cooper. Not taking his
eyes off Overlord.
MILLER
(cont.)
Cooper?
COOPER
Sir.
Cooper pulls himself out of the rubble.
MILLER
You ready?
COOPER
As I’ll ever be.
Cooper grabs his dog tags and places his thumb in the
center. The dog tags start to glow. The Overlord starts to
laugh.
OVERLORD
That’s it? A child’s nightli--
BOOM! Overlord is shot back into the door he came from.
Cooper lowers his steaming arm cannon and walks up next to
Miller and Storm. From his hand, metal is moving its way up
his body; creating armour. The armour ends at the top of his
neck just as he reaches Miller and Storm.
A powerful roar comes from the Overlord-shaped hole in the door.
COOPER
Why couldn’t that be it?
The door smashes open and the Overlord steps out!
OVERLORD
THAT’S IT YOU FOPDOODLE!
Overlord raises his arm, said arm turns into a cannon and
charges up with growing orange light.
OVERLORD
(cont.)
DIE!
The cannon shoots a plasma missile toward Miller and Storm.
BOOM! A huge explosion knocks all the surrounding aliens and
Vazquez.
The dust settles. Cooper is standing between the Overlord
and his crew. Cooper smiles like an excited child.
COOPER
Is that all you got?
Overlord screams and runs towards Cooper, and Cooper charges
right back at him. The two of them collide and fly through
the hanger! Fists and kicks are flying everywhere! A Bruce
Lee film in the sky! Miller and Storm are watching on from
the ground. Miller lights up another cigar.
MILLER
What a beautiful site.
As Miller takes a puff, lazers start zipping past Storm and
Miller’s heads. They duck down and start firing back at the
aliens.
Cooper fights in the sky with Overlord and the rest of the
team fights the aliens. Miller and Storm shooting and
Vazquez stabbing. All is going well! Our heroes are kicking
ass and chewing bubblegum! It all looks incredibly epic!
BOOM! Vazquez takes a shot to the chest, his sternum
bursting through his back! Storm gets covered in Vazquez’s
blood! She stops firing and starts spilling it out and
trying to wipe it away.
STORM
Oh my god, ew!
Storm takes a shot to the stomach and everything falls out.
She barely reacts and just keeps trying to get the blood off
her face. Miller looks over and sees Storm wiping her face.
MILLER
STORM! NOOOOO!!!
BOOM!!! Overlord crashes to the ground next to Miller.
Miller shields his eyes from the rubble.
STORM
(in the BG)
Guys, guys, I think there is blood
in my eye!
Miller looks at the now crippled Overlord. He walks up and
reloads his M1911.
OVERLORD
You stupid little humans! You can’t
destroy us all!
Miller stands right over the Overlord.
MILLER
Probably not.
Miller points the gun at Overload’s head.
MILLER
But you’re a... Just wa--
Miller lowers his gun and looks off the side.
MILLER
(to someone off screen)
What’s the line?
DIRECTOR
(O.S.)
CUT!
EXT. SEAN’S BACKYARD - DAY
Jake, a fithteen-year-old actor playing Miller is standing
over his cardboard-clad friend Elliot. Their costumes look
very homemade and very cheap. Jake looks up at their young
director, Stan.
JAKE
Stan, what’s the line?
Stan hops down off his lawn chair, with director written on
the back with tape, and walks up to Jake and Elliot.
STAN
It’s easy! "Probably not." Point
gun. "But you’re a good start!"
BANG! Then you look out to see all
the other aliens who are now bowing
down to you.
JAKE
But can we change that line?
STAN
What’s wrong with it?
JAKE
It’s a little... lame.
ELLIOT
Yeah, it’s pretty lame.
Stan looks down at Elliot.
ELLIOT
(cont.)
I mean, can you hear Arnold saying
that?
Elliot is looking up at a visibility annoyed Stan.
ELLIOT
(in his best Arnold voice)
Probably not. But you’re a good
start, argughag!
DEE (O.S.)
Guys, the fake blood isn’t coming
out!
The three boys all look over to DEE. Her eye patch and ill-fitting military fatigues absolutely caked in fake blood.
YUVEN, in his bloodied cheap costume fatigues, is trying to
clean her arm with a towel.
.
DEE
Grandpa is going to kill me if he
sees this! What’s in it anyway?
YUVEN
Clear Karo syrup, red food
colouring, non-dairy creamer and
one drop of blue food coloring.
DEE
Does it wash out?
Yuven stays silent and keeps wiping her arm.
DEE
YUVEN!
YUVEN
Maybe! Haven’t really tested it.
But it does get really stiff if you
don’t get it all out quickly.
Stan looks around his set. It’s a shambles. Everyone is
arguing with each other and he’s had enough.
STAN
Alright! We’re done for today. We
only have one more shot to get on
the hill, but we can do that
tomorrow.
MATT pushes himself off the back fence. The weight of his
own homemade power suit nearly drags him to the ground. This
suit looks way goofier than Elliot’s.
MATT
If we’re done, can someone help me
out of this?
Jake helps up Elliot and Yuven hands Dee the towel and turns
his attention to Matt. Yuven helps Matt off the wall and
starts to take off his armour. Stan walks off the set and
inside.
INT. SEAN’S KITCHEN - DAY
Stan walks through the screen door and into the kitchen. He
sees SEAN, now in a tank top and boxers, in the fridge.
STAN
Hey Sean, is there a bottle of
water in there?
SEAN
We aren’t in Hollywood yet. Use the
tap!
Stan crosses the kitchen and opens up a cupboard and grabs a
glass.
STAN
What happened to your costume?
SEAN
Once I died on screen, I put it in
the wash. When Yuven and I made the
blood he said it could stain.
STAN
Crap. You couldn’t wait for all the
other costumes?
Stan makes his way to the sink as Sean finally comes out
from the fridge, hands full of chicken pieces and waffle
batter.
SEAN
I died an hour ago, dude.
Stan fills his glass and turns to Sean.
SEAN
(cont.)
Good thing I did too. I can get a
head start on dinner!
STAN
We just finished and you’re only
just starting. What have you been
doing for an hour?
SEAN
...don’t worry about that. This
will be ready soon.
Sean smiles at Stan and gets to cooking.
The rest of the crew come through the back door, all of them
holding different bits of gear. Dee isn’t getting any more of
that blood off her.
DEE
Oh my god, this is so bad! Sean,
where’s the laundry?
SEAN
Up your ass and to the left.
Sean looks up from the food to see a pissed-off Dee.
SEAN
(cont.)
Sorry. Up the hall and to the left.
DEE
(still scrubbing her shirt)
Thanks.
Dee disappears into the hallway. Matt and Elliot take their
cardboard costumes into the next room while Yuven and Jake
sit down at the counter.
YUVEN
Did we have to kill off T-Bone
first? I mean, come on, the only
brown guy in the film gets offed
first.
STAN
That’s not why he dies first! It’s
because he is trying to protect the
man he loves.
YUVEN
Wait, I’m in love with Vazquez?
STAN
Well, it’s not explicitly said but
it’s implied. Adds a bit of
diversity to the film.
YUVEN
How am I meant to get chicks after
this if they all think I’m gay?
JAKE
Some of the best actors have played
gay guys. Tom Hanks, Sean Penn,
Dave Foley--
YUVEN
I’m sure you’re the first person to
put Dave Foley in a sentence like
that.
JAKE
What? Blast From The Past was
great!
Stan points at Jake and gives him a look of agreement.
JAKE
Thank you! He’s so underrated! He
is amazing in Bugs Life! Everyone
talks about David Hyde Pierce and
Phyllis Diller--
YUVEN
Do they?
Stan shakes his head.
JAKE
(cont.)
--but who is standing up for the
man who leads that movie? Me! That’s
who! One day I’ll work with that
man and I’ll let him know how
amazing of an actor he is!
Matt and Elliot walk back into the room.
MATT
Is he going on about Dave Foley
again?
SEAN
Yep.
MATT
Everyone needs a hero I guess.
Dee pops her head around the corner from the hallway.
DEE
Hey, Sean. Weird request, but you
wouldn’t happen to have any eye
patches? I left my spare at home.
Sean looks up at Dee.
SEAN
Umm... I can take a look. This is
ready now anyway.
INT. SEAN’S LOUNGE ROOM - NIGHT
The whole crew is sitting in the dark lounge room around
the coffee table. The only light is coming from the TV.
Everyone is in varied tracksuits and eating chicken and
waffles. Dee is sitting next to the table with a new and
fancier eye patch. Black, plastic, and with a skull and
crossbones. They are all in front of the TV watching the
dailies.
ELLIOT
This is really good.
Stan feels really proud and his face really shows that.
STAN
Thanks, man. That means--
ELLIOT
Oh, sorry. I mean Sean’s chicken.
Stan sighs.
ELLIOT
(cont.)
I mean, the movie is looking really
good too!
MATT
Nice one.
ON THE TV SCREEN
"T-Bone" and "Vazquez" are sitting out the sides of the
green-painted cardboard helicopter, both holding Nerf
N-Strike Vulcans. They are shooting out of the sides and
yelling. In between, them is "Cooper" holding a realistic
ammo box and acting distressed.
STAN (O.S.)
BOOM!
"T-Bone", "Vazquez" and "Cooper" react to the "explosion".
YUVEN
Once I add the lazers it’s going to
look great!
Jake looks over at Stan.
JAKE
So after the hill shot we’re done?
STAN
Oh yeah! Then I’ll give it to Yuven
and he’ll make it look incredible.
And we can get started on The
Slasher from Beyond!
Matt glances at Dee and his stomach is doing flips.
The feeling has been there for as long as he can remember, but
it’s been reaching its peak while filming this movie.
A blooper comes up on the screen and everyone laughs. Dee
looks around at everyone and her eye locks with Matt’s. She
gives him a loving smile. Does she feel the same way? Matt
returns the same loving smile.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE HILL - AFTERNOON
Jake is standing at the end of the hill in full Miller
costume, covered in blood and holding his toy M1911, badass
shades, cigar in his mouth, and a smile across his face. Next
to him is Dee in a cyborg Storm costume. They look off into
the distance.
Sean holds a boom pole and lowers it between Jake and Dee.
Matt stands next to Dee holding a reflector and Yuven does
the same with Jake. Stan stands behind his DSLR.
STAN
Camera, rolling. Sound?
SEAN
Speed.
STAN
Okay... action.
80S FILM
Miller takes in a big chestful of air and exhales.
MILLER
We did it. Earth is now free from
all alien scum.
STORM
But zir, vhat about the demon’z
coming from the interdenominational
rift?
Miller takes a drag from his cigar.
MILLER
We’ll send them back to The
Infinity. Just like Overlord and
his foot soldiers.
Miller puts his hand on Storm’s shoulder.
MILLER
(cont.)
Our friends didn’t die for
nothing, Storm.
STORM
Storm is dead. Call me CYBER-STORM.
Miller smiles as a tear rolls out from his sunglasses.
MILLER
Okay, Cyber-Storm.
VROOM! Cooper flies in front of Miller and Storm. His armour
looks unscratched and even better than before.
COOPER
Sir! The Matter-Eater has destroyed
all of New Zealand and he’s now
making his way to Australia!
Miller wipes away his tear and snorts up his snot. He looks
up at Cooper.
MILLER
Let’s ruin that bastard’s holiday
plans!
Cooper smiles and grabs Cyber-Storm and Miller’s hands and
flies off into the sunset.
The credits for Goodnight Spaceman roll.
PULL OUT TO REVEAL:
INT. ALIEN MOTHERSHIP
An alien hologram playing the film. The hologram is playing
from the center of a command console, which is in the middle
of a massive command deck. Lots of aliens are running
around keeping the ship functional. Standing in front of the
gigantic hologram is a very muscular alien. Two big black
eyes sit in the gray head of THE MIND. He is draped in
purple, gold, and red robes with a high collar covering the
back of his head. He looks at the video with seething
anger.
THE MIND
(Alien Dialect)
Where did you say this came from?
Not too far behind him stands an even bigger alien. Same
skin and eyes, but much, much more muscular. He looks like
he could bench press a skyscraper. He is dressed in purple
military armour. This is simply, THE FIST.
THE FIST
(Alien Dialect)
It came from one of the planets the
Uvar spliced.
THE MIND
(Alien Dialect)
A failed science experiment has
found a way to destroy the Sheroon?
THE FIST
(Alien Dialect)
It would seem so. What would you
like to do about it, sir?
The Mind turns away from the hologram and walks up to The
Fist.
THE MIND
(Alien Dialect)
I want you to study it. Research
their weapons and improve upon
them.
THE FIST
(Alien Dialect)
Sir.
The Mind turns back towards the hologram and walks up to the
console.
THE MIND
(Alien Dialect)
Then, we will crush them.
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