Gems, drawn from light

Since that day I found out my mother had died from a horrible fall, I lost my sense of passion.

I found out after that almost catastrophic event between my father and I at our mansion that he left everything to me(as it was in my mother’s will) and kept nothing for himself. Doug was there, the entire time, and I will never forget that.

We are slowly moving into the mansion.

It’s hard. So many memories.

It feels like I’m drowning in that huge place.

But, Doug helps me breathe.

Now, we have been dating for eight months.

This is the longest time I have ever been in a relationship with anyone, and we never… we haven’t even done anything remotely close to… Doug calls it, “making love,” but I call it, “sex,”… which I understand why he wants to call it the former.

I can’t express my sexuality anymore as I feel so lost, and so withdrawn. After the funeral, I felt listless and depressed. I just wished that we could do something together to make our relationship better. I am not a virgin; Doug is.

I know that our romance is dwindling.

So, I found a place to start. Because—because I truly love him, and I truly appreciate him, and I truly want us to work.

I bought Doug a dozen long stemmed red roses, a few sunflowers(I had to, they reminded me of him), and candy.

I picked out a song that I could picture us kissing to.

I also picked from our playlist, Something Stupid, and I also picked Sone other songs too.

We moved into the mansion after a month of finding and buying the different things we needed (furniture, odds and ends, kitchen and bath supplies), and we decided to buy a bed.

Doug surprised me.

He wanted a California King size bed. For us.

That was a big hint.

Moving in with him took longer than I expected, but it was worth it since we really enjoyed our time together, really appreciated each other’s company and both of us figured out what we really wanted from the relationship. We also had Doug’s dog move in, Porkchop, who is a great old watchdog and is very nice to me and my cat Stinky now.

Doug’s parents helped out with us really settling in the right direction to our ultimate dynamic by facilitating that safe environment for us to grow.

It may seem weird to correlate your passion to the death of your mother, but I see it as the death of passion for life. Death has become a part of me, and therefore I feel drawn to it. Not in a suicidal way, in a quiet introspective way. I can tell Doug is dragging behind, desperately trying to keep us both above the waters. I need to let him know I won’t be immersed in these depths any longer.

I drew out a sketch for a matching tattoo idea—-I had talked to Doug before of this idea. At first, he was highly opposed to the idea of any tattoos. But—-I told him of my admiration for the Scarlet Macaw.

How their lives sometimes outlast humans, up to eighty years old—-their impressive wingspan and speed—-and how they can mean long lasting relationships and commitment. He liked this idea, very much.

Irrespective of any outside circumstances that could change our relationship, I realized that I wanted to settle down with Doug. Seriously. For good. Forever.

So, I drew a sketch of two Macaws nuzzling on a branch.

I felt like this would be significant as I always loved this endangered bird, and also by adding the first two lines of notes for Malena by Morricone above the birds, to look as though they are singing the music together, that would be super romantic as it was important to us.

A special note to our relationship.

With all of this in mind, I had this all set up on our bed (I got home a bit early to get it ready) when he got back from work.

I heard him come in through the front door and yell, “Hey, Rog, I’m home! I picked up something for dinner!”

I smiled. “Great! I’m starved! Will you come up here please? I need help with something!”

“Ah, okay, I’ll be up in a moment!”

“Sweeet!” I said to myself.

Suddenly, I heard a crash.

“Oh….. damn it!” Doug said.

I bit my lip and went downstairs immediately.

“I’m.. I am so sorry about this…” Doug said with a growing worry on his face.

He accidentally dropped the entire order for our dinner.

I went over and gently touched his shoulder.

“Hey, babe, it’s alright. I’m going to clean up. Go relax, alright?”

He was red faced and looked ready to cry.

“Roger, I…”

I shook my head. “It’s okay. Just go watch some TV. Go ahead and order something else. I’ll pay.”

“Hon…?” He pointed to his pants. They were covered in Mexican tamales and rice. I nodded in understanding, though I realized my big surprise would have to wait.

“Okay, go take a nice long bath. I’ll bring you a towel and clothes…”

Doug smiled. “That’s so nice. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, babe.”

“How can you be so understanding?”

“Because you are so understanding with me. Remember?”

He nodded, sniffling. “I… I love you, Roger.”

“I love you, too, Doug. Now—-please, go ahead and relax.”

He nodded again and went into the downstairs bathroom. I heard the water turn on, and then I started cleaning up. It didn’t feel like a big deal to clean it up knowing that at the very least, Doug would have one less thing to stress out about.

It didn’t take long to clean up as I washed the floor and then took out the trash, and by the time I was done, I had decided to do something a bit better for Doug than just give him a towel and his new clothes.

I knocked on the bathroom door.

“Yeah?” He said.

“Everything good?”

“Yeah. Thank you so much for cleaning that mess up.”

“No problem. I’m going to get you some stuff… you need your shorts?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m really sorry. This night was just ruined.”

“Not at all, honey! Don’t you worry. I got you. Just chill. Okay?” Now I felt like my nerves were overflowing and I sounded nervous, talking a little too fast. “What would you like for dinner?”

“Anything you want, Rog—-you’ve been so sweet.”

“Don’t mention it. Okay. I’ll be back.”

I went to get the towel and his clothes, but first I put them in the dryer with dryer softener sheets in high for about three minutes.

Bringing in the warm stuff for him, I felt like Santa Claus—-I know, that’s lame.

“You ready? Should I close my eyes?” I teased.

“Shush! Stop it.”

I laughed.

“Oh, hon, how.. why is this towel so warm?”

I grinned. “Cause you make me warm inside.”

“Mmm… oh, this is nice. Please, come over here right now.”

I wasn’t expecting that.

I walked over and he pulled me close, but it was with an intense look that made me feel winded and my heart sped up.

Pulling me by my shirt, we kissed. But, it was not like any kiss we have had before. Usually, it’s more of a soft, sensual, romantic style kiss. Today, it was raw, hard, passionate and wild.

“Babe,” I said with a bit of a gasp and moan, “You okay?”

“Let’s go to our bed.”

I couldn’t speak as he took my hand, his other hand barely keeping the towel on his body.

“Ba-babe?” I squeaked out. “Let.. let’s.. what do you wanna do?” I stopped a bit before we got to our bedroom.

Doug’s longer, tinted blue bangs were still wet and laid a bit over his face. “I don’t know. I just want to feel you. I need to,” He almost whimpered out.

I kissed him gently and he started kissing me with tongue, and his hand went low to my body, touching me in a teasing manner.

“Mmm! Oh, Doug… baby…” My eyes went half-lidded, I knew I was done for. “You are so sexy.”

“Can we talk dirty?” Doug whispered.

I swallowed hard. “Dirty?”

“Can we… I wanna talk nasty.”

I smiled, bemused and excited—-yet I knew as soon as he saw everything on our bed—-

He opened the door and saw the stuff laid out—-the flowers, the candy, the mix CD I made, the drawing of the tattoo—-everything…

And his pupils went big, and a huge smile plastered on his face.

“No way! Really?! Wow! Oh, man!”

Now, that sounded like the dorky Doug I used to know.

He saw the tattoo idea and swooned.

“Did you draw this, hon?”

I nodded.

“Oh, it’s gorgeous! I love this idea!”

“Really? You know the music notes above the two macaws are singing to the tune of Malena?” I asked.

Doug’s eyes lit up and then he said, “I wanna marry you.”

I grinned widely, but inside I was a nervous wreck and so surprised. “Doug, really?!”

“Yes. I.. I’m in love with you. The way you just dropped everything to take care of me… you cleaned up my mess, you helped me relax—-Roger, you’re my best friend and my soul mate.” He still had only the towel on and blushed, seeming to remember his earlier behavior. “Sorry I got too heavy with you just a moment ago. I don’t know what came over me.”

I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him close to me, making him make an involuntary moan as our bodies were pressed against each other’s.

“I want to marry you, too, Doug—-because well, hell, I won’t lie. I have been madly in love with you for longer than I care to admit. And don’t apologize to me. Again. Especially about getting ‘too heavy with me,’ because that was the hottest, most intense thing I ever encountered.”

“You don’t think it’s too soon?”

I shook my head. “I think… I think I always wanted to make you mine. You were so sweet and nice and wonderful… and I wasn’t. But, when I started to draw and write after I met you, I slowly realized that everything I did was because you inspired me. Like your poem, the one about my real self hiding, like a gem amongst the earth,” I leaned in closer to his face and kissed him gently. “Now I feel we are both here, real and happy, drawn in light—-a perfect imperfection.”

We kissed again. “And about making love? Do you want to…?”

I sighed. I knew why he was asking that. Patti did something worse to him—making him think he had a shot but actually, she never intended to follow through with any commitments towards him, or their relationship.

“Oh… baby, I do. Never think it has to do with you. This has been the craziest, most heart wrenching last couple of months in my entire life… and I could have never have made it without you. That tattoo of the two Macaws singing means more to me than you think. It means survival. It means something beyond any bond I’ve ever had in my life. And music and art and writing and the thought of something amazing—-a beautiful relationship that is built on love, trust, deep respect and communication—that is why it means so much.”

“Because Malena saved your life. And finally flying to that safe place, to live that dream as loudly as you needed to—-it finally came true,” He said, and I nodded.

“You’re right. But, something else saved my life before any of that.”

He looked at me questioningly. “What?”

“You.”

He smiled and we embraced.

We lingered together, in hues of our dreams and future, reds and yellows and blues. We got the matching Macaw tattoo, on our shoulders.

Later that year, we were engaged to be married.

Much earlier than that, we truly got to know each other much more intimately—a place we belonged to, only us, a place drawn in light and sun and love.

Passion was my life, and life was drawn that way.