From the Journal of Sir Ziggy Newton, September 1687

On a late summer’s day, I was seated beneath the pear tree in my garden, enjoying the shade it provided. It was a delightful afternoon and my thoughts were focused on the beauty of nature. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the freshness of the air. I was nearly dozing when suddenly I was struck on my cranium by a ripe pear!

“Gadzooks!” I exclaimed. “This tree is attacking me!” I looked about and found the offending fruit. It was a beautiful specimen with only the smallest indentation from its impact with my skull. I did not want this gorgeous delicacy to go to waste, so I polished it on my sleeve and took a generous bite. Truly a treat!

As I enjoyed my gift from the tree, I pondered what had caused the pear to drop. For that matter, what makes anything fall from above? Had god mischievously shaken the tree? Were there tree sprites that threw the fruit below? Never before had I pondered the nature of falling, but I was suddenly beyond curious to know the answer. I decided to seek out the cleverest person I knew; my cousin Sir Isaac Newton.

When I arrived at my cousin’s home he was quite happy to see me. “Cousin!” he exclaimed! “To what do I owe this great pleasure?”

“Oh, Sir Isaac,” I said. “Can I not visit my cousin without an ulterior motive?” We both shared a laugh as he welcomed me into his home. Lady Newton greeted me and bade us sit in the parlor while she arranged for some refreshment. Lady Newton is a lovely woman, though her refreshment choices often leave much to be desired. As usual, she presented us with fig biscuits as is her wont. The Newton fig biscuits were well known in London society, but I had never acquired a taste for them. Nonetheless, I politely nibbled on one as I visited with my hosts.

After exchanging pleasantries, I got to the reason for my visit. “Sir Isaac,” I began. “I had the most peculiar experience recently. Whilst sitting in my garden, I was struck on my head by a pear.”

“Oh my!” exclaimed Lady Newton. “I trust you were unhurt.”

“Quite unscathed, thank you. Luckily I was wearing one of my poofier wigs.” I said. “Anyway, the incident has raised a question with which I thought you might be able to help, Sir Isaac. Simply put, I wish to know what causes a pear, or anything for that matter, to fall to the ground.”

My cousin’s brow furrowed as it often did when he was in deep thought. I knew that he would surely provide an answer. After a few moments he spoke. “I have to tell you, cousin. I have got nothing. I have no idea what causes this, although until you raised the subject I have never devoted any thought to the matter. But rest assured, I will decipher the cause! Sir Ziggy, please join me in the garden. My dear wife, please have one of the servants bring us a bowl of pears.” Sir Isaac rose to his feet and strode to the garden. I followed, walking quickly to match his pace.

The servants could find no pears, but instead brought apples which Sir Isaac said would have to do. He then found a chair and moved it next to a tree. He sat down in the grass beside the chair and instructed me to bring the bowl of apples. “Now,” he said. “we will attempt to replicate your experience and make careful observations of the process and results. This is what we scientists refer to as the ‘Let’s see what happens’ method.” Sir Isaac told me to stand upon the chair, then I was to drop apples upon his head so he could observe the results.

I dropped the first apple directly on my cousin’s head. He thought for a moment then said, “Again, Sir Ziggy!” We continued this way until the bowl was empty. Unfortunately Sir Isaac had yet to have a revelation. He told me to collect all the apples into the bowl so we might try again. Sir Isaac prepared himself and I climbed on the chair. I was choosing an apple to drop when I lost my balance. The entire bowl and its contents slipped from my hands and landed squarely on the head of my cousin!

Sir Isaac fell over. His poofy wig had provided little protection from the heavy bowl of fruit. “Sir Isaac speak to me,” I cried, but he did not stir. “Oh my!” I wailed. “I think I may have killed the greatest mind of our time! Woe is me! Whatever shall I do? Perhaps it would be best if I were to climb the garden wall and escape before I am discovered.” I was headed toward the lowest part of the wall when I suddenly heard Sir Isaac moan. “Oh thank heavens!” I said.

I was quite relieved that my cousin was alive. It would have been most difficult to climb the garden fence in the tight breeches I was wearing. Sir Isaac sat up and rubbed his head. “What happened, cousin?” he asked.

“A bit of a mishap with the apples, I’m afraid,” I said. “I let fall more than a few and you were rendered insensible for a moment. I was just about to get help when you awakened.” I could tell that Sir Isaac was only partially listening to my explanation. Even as he rubbed the bump beneath his wig, his great mind was hard at work.

“What a wondrous experience,” my cousin said. “I imagined myself to be an apple. I was falling to the Earth from a great height. I realized that it was the Earth itself attracting me. And though I was quite small, I was attracting the Earth towards me!”

I was afraid Sir Isaac was raving. “Perhaps we should sit in the shade, cousin,” I suggested. “Perhaps the blow to your cranium has injured you.”

“Oh, quite the contrary, dear Sir Ziggy!” he replied. “The blow to my head has opened my mind to a great new hypothesis!”

Just then, Lady Newton came out to the garden. “Gentlemen, I hope you have not eaten your fill of apples. Lunch is nearly ready. I trust you are in the mood for roast beef with gravy.”

“Yes, my dear. We will be there directly,” Sir Isaac said. We started walking when Sir Isaac suddenly froze. It was as if I could see a lantern above his head. Some idea had just struck him. “Gravy!” he said. “That’s what I shall call it, cousin. Gravytee! No, wait! Gravity! I shall publish a theory regarding my discovery of gravity. And I could never have done it without your help, Sir Ziggy!”

Lunch was a most festive affair. Sir Isaac was absolutely ebullient as he explained his theory to his wife. She listened politely, but one could also see that she was genuinely happy for her husband. As for me, I was overjoyed that I had not accidentally killed my cousin. I confess, I was also somewhat proud that I had played a part in a scientific discovery.

Some months later, Sir Isaac published the Law of Universal Gravitation. The scientific community hailed it as one of history’s great discoveries. All of London society was reading the paper with great interest. Few really understood what it meant. I admit that even though I was responsible for prompting the discovery, I did not fully understand the academic paper. I did find the illustrations to be quite enjoyable.

Sir Isaac and Lady Newton held a grand fancy dress ball to celebrate, All who attended festooned their attire with images of apples and apple trees in honor of the occasion. Even Sir Isaac, who was not one for fancy dress, wore a mock apple in his wig in honor of the occasion. There was one guest, however, who I dare say outdid the others.

All heads turned when I entered the ballroom. My breeches had been made to resemble the trunk of a tree, specifically a pear tree. My waistcoat was green like foliage, with small golden pears for buttons. Atop my head I wore a high, green wig with a large golden pear nestled upon it. As I walked towards my cousin, there were gasps. No one quite knew what to make of my ensemble. Was I somehow mocking Sir Isaac Newton?

I stopped directly in front of my cousin and his wife, they burst into laughter. He embraced me warmly and all the guests applauded. “What say you, cousin?” I said. “Shall we do more science this evening?” At this moment I pulled a pear from my pocket and handed it to him. He looked at the fruit and laughed with such boisterousness that all the guests joined in.

“For those of you who may not know,” Sir Isaac began, “this is my dear cousin Sir Ziggy Newton. His inspiration and clumsiness helped me make my grand discovery.” Then he held out the fruit I had given him and said, “Don’t we make quite the pear?” He took a bite of the fruit and everyone cheered.

It was a wonderful evening. I do believe that it was the best gala I had ever attended. I would hazard a guess that everyone who attended would agree. We all learned something, as well. Science can be great fun!