From One to All

6.22.30

All this time, I’ve been preaching that your inner world reflects in your external circumstances and it seems that our inner worlds have collided all too much. This image that I see is empty and barren of any trace of love; just like the heart sitting around my neck. In fact, I look at this heart and wonder if it ever contained anything at all or if I have simply fallen for the image and wrapped my energetic cords around the neck of what I thought I was looking for. We all thought we were onto something great. If only we had held out a few more hours… seconds even- perhaps there would still be something left to look at. I can see the ways in which my inner landscape still exists; in the light peering into my tent through the tear above the zipper door, in the spices used to make my sardine and bean tacos taste like they’re meant to be enjoyed, even in the hours of hiking through the forest to get back to what used to be civilization. Here at my portable home and on the long walks, I find myself entirely at ease with the trees constantly teaching me how to remain grounded and peaceful amidst any storm. I breathe with them and recognize the wisdom lying in the infinite space between their leaves.

I recognized my purpose long ago, on a similar excursion through the wild unknowns of nature. Although, at the time, it was a voluntary camping experience- a vacation so to speak. I say “so to speak” because vacation is a foreign concept in this current plane of existence. I may remain peaceful and loving, but I see the life around me crippling and fading into dust- a meek shadow of what could have been. You, who placed this heart around my neck, have faded too. Into the nothingness of a desperate search for something is where you ran, leaving me stranded and claiming my title to be “crazy”. In comparison to the lost souls around me, including yours, I am indeed such a word. Because I consciously choose to find beauty and love, yes, I am infinitely crazy. I wished so badly that you could see my infinity and your own too, and I guess that’s why I hold this chain around my neck- an empty heart that I envisioned being filled with my own wisdom so that I could keep you. If the universe has taught me anything, it is that I must let go of everything I thought I had control over in order to find the truth lying underneath my illusion of control. Three days ago, I left you at the edge of the forest, accepting that your free will would take you away from me and that I would be left with an empty heart locket and a burning flame of purpose anxiously awaiting fulfillment.

I found myself just now imagining a time before the world ended, when money was used in a store rather than a weapon of defense and a backpack for gathering all that could be scavenged. You had taken me to the pawn shop where this locket had been in a case awaiting our arrival. It wasn’t often that you spent money on unnecessary items, but this day was special. It was the day before the fires. We both felt the movement in our soul that spoke of union and commitment, as if something within us already knew what the next day would bare and how to be entirely alone would be the death of hope itself. For a time, you were my source of hope and I yours. Although this heart around my neck is empty, I no longer feel empty without you. Through the time that we survived together, I could see my energy come to life and feel the hope and freedom of nothingness consume me with reason. Although everyone around us was dying, including you, I found myself thriving. So here I am now, empty locket in the hand that you used to hold, and I accept in this moment that you were no longer growing with me and so you had to leave. On this day, I will bury this piece of memory at this camp site where I last laid in your arms. I free myself from this desire for anyone to help me survive, because it is clear that now I am the only true survivor.

Seeing as I am alone and possess full awareness of my purpose here on this planet and in this body, there is a key component to such a purpose that I must acknowledge and entertain in imagination in order to bring it to fruition. Regarding this topic, my mind has now returned me to a vision I had of myself several moons ago. In the vision, I was at a large fire with people all around. Their hands were reaching, as if grasping my hand or clothing for just a moment would bring to them a wave of loving relief. They raised their voices joyously as I danced, with the flames flickering higher it seemed with each movement of my hand. The message is clear to me within this vision, as well as several others that I’ve had: my purpose here is to be the mother of a new tribe- one that lives off of hope and love at the center of all things. At this time on this planet, people are dying in general, but the biggest threat is not even the violent suppression and destruction of all that is known. In fact, I would venture to say that the annihilation of life as we know it was the very blessing that we as a collective needed in order to be free. I may very well be the only soul here that sees this truth for what it is, which is why my purpose must be fulfilled without a shadow of disbelief. I am fully in belief that people exist out here that will see me for all that I am and for the infinite life that my message can offer. Therefore, on this day as I place my pencil to rest, I shall venture out into the expanse with nothing but my voice. I feel the movement in my soul again, but this time the community that I search for does not lie caged in an empty heart locket, but rather hidden in the safety of this forest. I have heard the rustling and seen the glimpses of life, fearfully fleeing at the sight of my own temporary home. I go out today to erase the fear which keeps these lives hidden so that tonight I may dance at the fire which has already been growing within.