For What Ails You

Ava stared blankly at the single green light that flashed in a steady rhythm on the bedside clock.

3:45 am. Better than 1 am. She thought to herself as she adjusted her position, removing the weight of the heavy arm that was draped over her waist. Once free, she gently rose from the bed, careful not to wake her companion, snoring soundly beside her.

Ava made her way down to the kitchen with the intent of grabbing a glass of water. If by water she meant the ice cubes that she put a generous pour of whiskey over, then she wasn't completely lying.

She moved to the living room and placed the smooth, amber liquid on the side table and chucked a fresh log on the fire. After grabbing the blanket off the chair's back, she settled into her favourite late-night position for over-thinking.

Her grandfather's rocking chair didn't match any of the other furniture in her house. But she didn't care; it was the perfect place to sit fireside and think about all the things she would never dare to say out loud. She was beginning to wonder if these early wakings were insomnia, or just her mind's way of giving her exactly what she needed—Complete solitude.

She worked a demanding job as a Crown Prosecutor by day. She was a top barrister and was certain she would make silk by the end of the year—which would have been great news if she could find anything resembling a care factor when it came to her work.

Being at genius-level intelligence had its perks. It meant she could do a job like hers with about a quarter of the mental application it would take her colleagues. But it also meant that her mind was a dumpster fire of sporadic thoughts and manic episodes. However, her acute sense of self-awareness allowed her to keep this fact hidden from the outside world.

Her long term partner, Jason, seemed completely unaware of how detached she had become from him lately. He didn't even seem to notice that she hadn't had an orgasm in six months. Their love-making had become worse than a chore. She still put effort into her chores, at least.

Of all the head miles she did when she had her moments of solitude, it was rare for her thoughts to wander to her relationships. She and Jason connected on an intellectual level, he wasn't as smart as she was, but he could hold his own in a battle of wits, and for that, she respected him. Physically he was more than adequate, and in the early days, their chemistry in the bedroom was enough to keep her satisfied with their lack of a deeper connection.

A deeper connection she had always convinced herself she didn't care about.

It seemed illogical for someone of her intelligence to be distracted by the complexities of the pursuit of love.

This is why it was causing her so much distress to find that she couldn't stop thinking about Connor.

-

Connor Mckenzie was in the past. At least he was until he had engaged Jason as his divorce lawyer. Shocked doesn't come close to describing how she felt when she walked into their home office only to come face to face with the man who could only be described as "the one that got away."

In fact, it was her post-Connor self that decided love was a fool's errand. Six months of trashy romance novels, chocolate and the most depressing Spotify playlists she could find was enough to make her disgusted with herself. She'd never been so overcome with emotion in her life, always logical and calculated; she didn't intend to have that happen ever again.

And they never even slept together.

Perhaps that was why she responded to him the way she did. She had always wondered whether things would have been different with some closure. Instead, she was left to try and move on with her life, always wondering, "what if?"

It was no coincidence that the insomnia started, and her physical chemistry with Jason started to fizzle out around the time Connor had come back onto her radar. Divorce was a long process and since Jason had gone into private practice, his preferred meeting place for clients was at home.

Connor had visited the house four more times before she inevitably found herself alone with him. She had been casually checking Jason's calendar to ensure she wasn't around when Connor was due to be at the house. Apparently, Jason and Connor had started to form a friendship outside of their professional relationship and Jason had invited Connor over for a few drinks and to watch the football.

If only Connor knew "a few drinks" to Jason meant he would be black-out drunk on the couch in the shed before half-time.

Ava nearly jumped out of her skin when he casually walked into the kitchen where she was standing in her pyjama pants and singlet top. She had no idea they had company and had made quick work of removing her bra when she got through the front door. She assumed she was in for her standard Friday evening of red wine and a good book.

"Looking good A," Connor winked at her as she quickly wrapped her arms around herself to cover her chest.

She narrowed her eyes at him before responding curtly,

"That's all you have to say to me, after all these years? And what the hell do you think you're doing in my kitchen?"

"Easy tiger, I just came in search of beer. Jason didn't exactly leave any spare before he passed out."

Ava noted that he avoided her first question.

"He's out already? That must be a new record." She scoffed, before looking up, surprised to find she was being met with a sympathetic look from Connor.

"Does he do this a lot?"

"I suppose he does." She shrugged.

She began to feel uncomfortable under the intensity of his stare.

"Beer is in the fridge... help yourself."

She made a move to walk by when she felt him grab her arm. She paused and looked up at him. She was a petite 5ft 2 and Connor was a giant at 6ft 4. She felt her heart start to pound rapidly being in such close proximity to him.

"Is he the one?"

"The one what, Connor?" she snapped, impatiently.

"I need to know if he's the one Ava because if he is, I'm going to leave right now and find myself a new divorce lawyer."

"And if he's not?"

"If he's not, I'm going to take you upstairs and treat you how I should have treated you every day for the last seven years."

"He's not the one. But it's bold of you to assume I'd accept your offer, regardless."

She raised an eyebrow, challenging him. What he said next was going to make or break her resolve, and she knew it.

"I married the wrong girl, Ava. I went after what I thought I needed instead of what I knew I wanted. If I could go back and do it all differently, I would. But that's not how this works. What I do know, is that there are a thousand divorce lawyers in this city, and by some twist of fate, I chose the one that's shacked up with the girl that should've been mine. You want to tell me you don't want this? Fine. I'll leave. But the only one you're lying to is yourself...."

-

Ava took a long, slow sip of her whiskey as she stared at the crackling flames, gently rocking back and forth in her chair. She thought about the man lying upstairs in her bed. She thought about the one still passed out on the couch in the back shed and how she was going to have a hell of a lot of explaining to do when the sun came up.

But she couldn't help but smile to herself as she realised how quiet her mind was compared to her usual frenzied thoughts. There wasn't silence, but things seemed neatly catalogued and clear. She found herself able to sift through at a more leisurely pace, brushing past some things altogether. As though she was walking through her own inner library, with the books all sitting neatly on the shelves rather than scattered all over the floor.

She felt a strong hand on her shoulder as the other casually topped up her whiskey glass. She made room under her blanket for him to slide onto the large chair beside her. She rested her head on his chest as they rocked gently, sharing comfortable silence while staring into the flames.

Connor McKenzie had burst back into her life when she least expected it, and exactly when she needed it. She felt a warmth replace the coldness that had masked her for so many years. Her emotions and logic were no longer at war, but existing harmoniously together knowing that she had found the missing link. And she knew, without doubt, she'd never have to wonder "what if?" ever again.

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