Flying Low

Hey again. So… let’s um, just continue the story.

April 27th: The day we became a trio of friends. So, remember John? Yeah, he basically became like my best friend as well. In a matter of days we became a trio. The three of us would spend so much time together. We were inseparable. Or so I thought.

May 1st: the day us three went on a road trip to San Francisco. This day was one of the greatest days of my life. We were in a car for 8 hours. Just talking, joking around, listening to some of our favorite songs, just… having a blast. John of course was as always a little quit, but he was still fun to be around. I remember she would want us to make some stops from time to time because she would get car sick, so she’d want to get out to get some fresh air. Me and John would sit inside the car and I’d try to build conversations with him. He’d pretty much answer with short responses, but I can tell he enjoyed spending time with me and her. Man… that day was another day I wish I could experience for the first time all over again. There was this one conversation me and her had while John was asleep in the back of the car that I’ll never forget. The sun was sitting as well and it looked beautiful. The conversation went something like this: “Hey, this has been fun, hasn’t it?” she asked me while I was driving. “Yeah- yeah it has.” I replied with a smile. “Hey, So… um, what do you plan on doing after all this?” “What do you man?” “Like, after we graduate from Highschool and stuff, you know?” “Oh, I don’t really know yet. There’s a lot of things I want to do.” She looked at me with a smile and said: “I’m sure you’ll do great things in life. You have a lot of talent and potential.” I couldn’t help but look back at her and smile back. “Thank you.” I told her back. “But hey, what about you?” I asked her. “Oh me? Wherever the wind takes me.” She replied. I giggled a bit. “Wherever the wind takes you? What do you mean by that?” “Yeah. Wherever it takes me. I’m just going with the flow, not putting too much pressure on myself to do things. We’ll see what happens.” “Well that’s an interesting way of seeing things. I’m sure you’ll do great things as well. You’re amazing at everything you do.” I then stopped the car. “Hey, you wanna take over a bit from here?” I asked her. “Yeah, sure.” She replied. We both got out of the car to switch seats, but just before we got back in, we stopped in front of the car and looked at each other for a brief moment. She then wrapped her arms around me and gave me a hug, I hugged her back and she laid me a kiss on the cheek. “What was that for?” I asked. “For being the best friend in the world.” she replied. I grew a huge smile. “I Love You.” I told her. “I love you too.” she said back. You see, it’s the little things you remember, the small talks. That was a small and simple conversation, but it’s one I’ll never forget. A moment I hold close o my heart.

May 2nd: our first day in San Francisco, what a wonderful day this was also. I just wish I could stop living in the past, I swear I do. But gosh, We just made so many good memories, it’s hard to let go. Feels like just yesterday, can’t believe it’s almost a year already. The memories seem endless, but so does the pain. She’s happy right now though, and that’s the important thing, right? I remember us three walking around the streets of San Francisco, exploring the different places, we spotted a decent looking restaurant and decided to stop by and eat there. John ordered a steak, I ordered a chicken Alfredo, and she ordered a burger. The food was great, the time we had was even better. “So, where should we go next?” she asked both of us. “Yo, let’s go visit the Golden Gate Bridge, I’ve always been dying to see it in person.” John said. “Yeah, let’s go there.” I said. She looked at both of us with a smile. “You two are best buds already.” we both just giggled as she said that, but it was true. The three of us were best buds. Fast forward 6 hours later, both of us are outside of the balcony of the condo all three of us rented. We had a beautiful view out into the city, with the sun setting. “I’ve had such a great time with the both of you.” she told me. “Yeah, me too. I’m glad we decided to do this.” I said with a smile on my face. “I wouldn’t trade you two for anything in the world. Both of you will always be my best friends.” As she said that, I couldn’t help but let a tear run down my eye, I never had anyone say those kinds of words to me. Never had someone that cared for me that much. It was just such an amazing and surreal feeling. We just hugged again, This was it, the moment where the feelings slowly started creeping in. I just ad no idea yet. Is it wrong to say part of me wishes I never met her? I just feel like f we never met, I wouldn’t feel like I do right now. I wouldn’t feel like I’ve gotten stabbed in the heart. I wouldn’t feel like never finding love again cause I’m just afraid it’ll end the same way.

May 3rd: The day we stopped by The Golden Gate Bridge. John and I made some burgers before we headed off, got to admit, his burgers were great, All three of us made some actually. I have a feeling he always knew I liked her, he just never wanted to say anything about it. As we made our way there, we listened to some of our favorite songs. We arrived and took some pictures. John took one of me and her together, I took one of them together, and she took one of me ad John together. Just making more and more painful but beautiful memories. As we drove back, she asked us something… “You two think we’ll remain friends for the rest of our lives?” I stopped for a brief moment and looked at John sitting in the backseat. “Hopefully” I responded. “Let’s not think of the future, let’s just live in the moment. We’re friends right now, that’s what matters.” We both looked back at John as he said that and smiled. I guess he was right. I didn’t know that in a few months, we wouldn’t talk anymore, but at least at that moment, we had fun. And as much as it hurts, I am forever grateful for the memories. A few hours later, we walked down the San Francisco streets at night just me and her, John was asleep. As we walked down, I was so close to telling her that I might’ve felt some for her. “Hey Vanessa, I- I need to tell you something.” She looked at me. “Yeah?” She said, I stopped walking an she stopped too. “I- um… was just wondering if um- I-” I could tell she started getting a little confused and frustrated. “What man? Just say it.” Of course, I was too scared and came up with a lie. “Um, I was just wondering if you wanted to go to the beach? we’re right next to it.” “That’s what you were so scared to tell me?” she said as she laughed. “Yeah, I just didn’t know if you’d wanna go.” “Of course I’d wanna go, come on man.” We both walked to the beach. As we arrived, we laid in the sand. “Hey, about what you said earlier- I um…” She looked at me and my heart almost stopped. “Not this again, just tell me man.” she said as she giggled. “Sorry, I’m just trying to say that I hope we do remain friends forever. I don’t ever wanna lose you. Or John of course.” As I said that, she laid her head on my shoulder. “Me neither man. Me neither. I love you.” As she said… I think my heart stopped for a few seconds. “I- I love you too.” I held her tight as her head lid on my shoulder. I felt like telling her… but I was so afraid I’d ruin our friendship that was so amazing. I was stuck, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to tell her how I felt, but at the same time I didn’t. It was so weird. I know It was, but put yourself in my shoes. You have this wonderful friendship with this person, who you ultimately end up having feelings for, but you just know deep down inside, they probably don’t feel the same way, and telling them how you feel could absolutely destroy the friendship both of you have at the moment. That’s exactly what I was going through, and it sucked. I was too scared to lose her.

May 6th: Our last day in San Francisco. This was our last day there and we knew we’d wanna do something like that again. I wish we could’ve done something like that everyday. As we headed back, I was driving. Me and her looked at each other and smiled. “Um, we had fun, right?” I asked both of them. “Hell yeah man, let’s do it again sometime” replied John. “Yeah, definitely.” she said as well. “We should do it again, and then again, and then again and then again-” As I said that, they both started laughing. “Yeah, I wish man.” she said. There’s a lot I wish I could’ve done and said. So much… but I didn’t. Will me and her ever cross paths again? Who knows… maybe.. But it won’t be the same, ever.

May 7th: The day I met her parents. This day was a special one. She was my best friend, but I never met her parents before. On this day, I finally got too. We were in their house, sitting on the couch. I remember her parents were so kind and caring. I could see where she got that from. “So, how long have you known my daughter, Devin?” her dad asked me. “Oh, around 3 months now.” I replied. “Wow, and you two are already that close? That’s great.” said her mom. “Yeah. He’s a bit shy though, sorry if he isn’t so communicative.” As she said that, I smiled. “Oh yeah? You should let them meet John.” I said. “Oh we already have, what a wonderful boy he is.” As her mom said that, I looked at her in a bit of surprise, I had no idea John met her parents before. “Oh Vanessa, you never told me John met your parents fore.” I said to her, “Sorry, Kinda slipped my mind.” She replied. “Oh hey, how about we all have dinner?” said her mom. “Yeah, sounds like a good idea.” I replied. Around an hour and a half later, we were sitting on the table, and her parents would always try to make conversation. I can tell they didn’t want to keep me bored. “So Devin, what do you plan on doing the rest of your life?” asked her dad. “Oh well… I- I um, I’m a writer. So yeah.” I replied. “Oh wow, a writer. How interesting.” said her dad. “I know right? It’s so awesome.” I looked at her and smiled as she said that. “Hey um, Devin. We’re going to this amazing restaurant that Vanessa loves tomorrow. Would you like to join us?” her dad asked me. “Oh, um, yeah. I’d love to.” I replied. “Great. We’ll see you around 7 tomorrow?” her dad asked me. “Yeah, I’ll be here.” I replied. “Wonderful. Well it was really nice meeting you Devin, we look forward to seeing you again tomorrow.” I shook both of their hands. “Yeah, it was a pleasure.” “Um, mom, dad… do you mind if I talk to Devin outside real quick?” “Of course not dear, go ahead.” As I walked out, she walked out with me. “Hey, thanks for stopping by and meeting them.” she told me. “Yeah, it’s no problem.” I replied. “I want to meet your parents one day.” She said to me. “Oh, of course. When would you want to?” I asked her. “What about um… this weekend?” “Yeah, that works.” She smiled and hugged me. “Okay, will, i’ll see you tomorrow man.” she said. “Yeah, see you tomorrow.” I replied. I went to my car, as I got in… I looked back at her walking in her house saddened. I was sad because I just couldn’t build up the courage to tell her how I was starting to feel for her. It sucked, it really did. I’d wake up every morning telling myself “Okay, today is the day you’re finally going to tell Vanessa.” and then… nothing. I was too scared, as I drove away… the whole ride home, all I could think about was if I should tell her or not. It kept running through my mind everyday. I got home, laid in bed… and just continued thinking about it. The worries started kicking in… what if I tell her how I feel and she doesn’t feel the same way? Then I’d be left heartbroken… miserable. I always felt like a loser, but she made me feel like I was actually worth something, you know? She made me feel a special kind of way. I felt at peace with her, it’s like all my worries would simply vanish. I’d see her and I’d get so happy… no matter how sad I was before. I miss her… everyday I miss her. I miss everything about her. And as much as it hurts me… I know I must accept she’s moved on. And I have to make an effort to do the same… even though it’s the most difficult thing in the world.