Five Moons

“Luna, what’s your biggest fear?”

“My biggest fear?” I looked up from picking at my fingers. “Losing my mind”

“Like, going crazy? It’s a little late for that!” My friends started to laugh.

“Like losing my memories. I feel like they’re the only things that make me, me.”

A silence flooded the room. I know they were just having a laugh but I didn’t really feel in the mood to make jokes. Today this question hit a little too close to home, as I feel my biggest fear is underway.

“Your turn, Luna.”

I picked up a card from the deck.

“Reilly, what’s your most expensive mistake?”

“Oh gosh, Luna, you know exactly when–”

The group gathered around to listen to the story that I knew would be about the time she made us miss our flight to Germany and waste our tickets to the Holi Festival. I got up and poured myself a generous glass of wine as I heard her recount that trip for the twentieth time. I wonder if soon this story will excite me again, as if hearing it for the first time.

After what felt like the longest day of my life, my friends had finally cleared out. I love them, but none of them will understand how this feels. I finished the last of my wine on the patio, looking at the summer sun as it had almost completely disappeared behind the mountains. The sky looked more beautiful than I had seen in a long time. It made me think of all the summer skies that had warmed my heart before, that soon, I would never recollect.

It is said that we don’t really know what we have until it’s gone. I’ve never felt that applied to me. But soon, soon I’ll never know what I had at all. Maybe sometimes. Maybe sometimes I’ll have moments I remember. Though, mostly I expect to have an existence of not knowing what I forgot. Maybe it’s for the best, I used to be scared to have anything, in fear of losing that which was not even yet mine. I won’t need to worry about that anymore. Until then, though, worry I will.

I’m going to forget why I have this scar on my cheek, gifted to me from the corner of a coffee table as I, a clumsy toddler, tripped into it. I’ll forget racing my siblings home before the streetlights came on; smelling dinner cooking before I even reached the front door. I’ll forget my first kiss, but maybe that’s for the best. I’ll forget all my firsts that followed, and the long walks I took that provided counsel to my joy or sorrow that accompanied me.

I may even forget all what and who fundamentally made me better, through whatever means. I’ll forget why it makes me care about others and why it makes me understand the misunderstood. I’ll forget all the things I believe to make me the good that I see myself to be.

On the plus side, I get to forget all that haunts me, too. I get to be oblivious to the ugliness in the world and forget that I so often see that there is nothing I can do about it. I won’t feel so small, I hope. I will no longer need to burden myself with this realization. I guess, I can be thankful for that.

As the night sky swallows daytime, the moon makes an appearance. It will not be the last that I see but perhaps it will be the last time I hold its value in such high regard.

It was just last night, a message was delivered to me in a dream. A modest barn owl perched itself on the back of my patio chair, much closer to me than I assume any real owl ever would rest. I looked into its eyes as it stared deeply into mine. It then looked away, it’s eyes pointedly darting in the direction of the illuminated night sky. My dream self looked up, for some reason unphased at the sight of five moons staring back at me.

I woke, unable to think of anything else. I searched for meaning. Wisdom/intuition, birth, death, reincarnation, and spiritual connection are all said to be the symbolism behind the phases of the moon. Yet ‘to see five moons, points to mass chaos and confusion in your life.’ The meaning encompassed all that I was feeling.

My life changed so suddenly just weeks ago. An aching tooth was the way in which I learned of my brain tumor. It was the way in which I learned my memories may no longer be mine once it takes control. My fate was delivered to me in the form of something so trivial as a toothache, but my hope was delivered to me last night in a dream.

It’s only a matter of time before I forget who you are, and before I forget me. Only a matter of time before I forget what a moon is, or even a dream. Only a matter of time. But I hope I have phases just like the moon and maybe I’ll get a chance to try this all over again, soon.