Faith &Fire

he he … look he wasn’t the fucken apple of my eye okay!” “He wasn’t sweet or kind, or any of the bullshit you want me to say right now.”

Taken a back , and somewhat hesitant his low gruffy voice grumbled “Look relax, your not on trial kid. There’s a due process. And stop cussin . It don’t make you look hard. It makes you look real simple. Sit up and talk to me like you’re the adult your ought to be.” He took a sip of his coffee. His laid back demeaner threw me off after his razor-sharp tongue cut the way it did. I guess we were both a little surprised. “He was a piece of shit, okay and a freak. You want me to say I didn’t do it. Well…. I DIDN’T!” “I just fucking wish I did.” I added purposely ignoring his warning, low enough to not alert the others in the house. “HEY” he snapped slapping his large hand on the oak table. Abruptly and with a lower tone that let me know he was trying to be discreet. “You say that shit again, I’ll have you booked and committed!” I knew why his voice lowered. I knew it came from a desire to protect me. I also knew the kitchen window was open. It was very possible the others could hear us on the deck. I gazed at the green trees as I looked outward. Attempting to avoid his intense stare down, but also admiring the deep green of the Everwood. Rich in color, and strong in stature. I contemplated the forest being my forever resting home. I was broken, and empty. And Who on earth needed someone like that?

“Look Faith, whatever happened, whatever he did to you…… It would be best if you found an outlet. You know…… to a … let some of your steam out. I won’t be the only sheriff interviewing you. I mean were looking at HOMICIDE here! You have to control your temper; others are already pointing in your direction Faith. Don’t be so damn stubborn!!!!” I realized he had already spoke to some of my family members and knew what happened to me as a child. “ ooohhh sorry Sherriff I guess I don’t know how to be anything other than broken…….” The words slapped him across his rosy cheeks, I knew because I watched him blush. “DAMN IT FAITH! IF YOU WANT TO THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY OVER A BOY THEN SO BE IT. I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU!” He screamed losing his usually calm composure. “WHERE WAS ALL THIS HELP WHEN YOU INTRODUCED HIM TO HER!!!!! YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOU DID THIS TO MY LIFE! ” I could feel the dam of tears breaking and flooding my face. “HE WAS THE ONLY WARMTH I HAD AND YOU TOOK THAT AWAY!” “Look Faith… he said somberly. I feel for you kid. I really do. But Jacob has a shot at a better life. Don’t you want that for him? ” “The truth is…” I said with my hoarse voice and shaky hands…. I wouldn’t even be back at this barn if it wasn’t for you… I wouldn’t be in the middle of a crime investigation…..” Those words stung him, but were merely an annoyance for me. I knew I was messing this up badly for myself. I knew I was setting myself up to look horribly to the sheriffs dept. I wanted to turn the interview around, but once a fire was lit in me. It was like I had to take a backseat and let it run its course. If not, I’d be the one engulfed in flames.

That night no matter how hard I tried . I couldn’t break away from my previous encounter with Caleb. I hate that I couldn’t control it. It controlled me. The fire made me apologize to many others before , for the trail of burnt desolate it’s left behind. The fire’s made me burn down Damn near every pathway I saw as my way out. The fire’s made him love her. Because my smoke was too heavy for him to breath in sometimes. I couldn’t help it if the fire made me intense. The more intense I was, the more toxic the fumes from my flames. He saw it too; I knew he would. I tried my hardest to keep this part from him. I tried only to show little sparks of myself. You know …nothing too grandiose to where he’d run. But he ran anyway… By the time I realized my thoughts were spiraling out of control, I was in full blown anxiety attack. My own smoke was now choking me this time. I started gasping for air desperately when I heard a firm knock on the door. Creeping up to the door slowly, due to my inability to move freely at the moment, I finally arrive. Resting my head at the door with my limp body attempting to lean on it for support. I take a huge final breath and open the door. “Look Faith, I .. I… i… I’ve been thinking about our conversation earlier ….and I realize………..”

I hear the cackling of the fire outside the log guesthouse on my family’s land. Waking up to smell of alcohol, cologne and smoke. My heart drops, I realize I’m no longer in my cottage but I’m outside now. Who started this bonfire? I thought I heard Caleb’s voice. However, I don’t see him anywhere. The full blue moon and the fire was just enough light to spot Caleb coming towards the fire pit with freshly cut wood. He looked like a god. My vision still a bit blurry I could mostly make out his physique. I wasn’t quite sure if it was the fire or the way he carried the log towards the pit, but he seemed different. Different than I’ve ever seen him before. I couldn’t put my finger on it, nor did I want to try. “Why did you bring me out here?” “You fainted ruth” … he said subtly. “Why are you here Caleb”? I asked harshly. he couldn’t look me directly in my eyes. Nor was I in any mood to beat around the bush. “Why are you avoiding eye contact with me Caleb”?

His eyes shot straight up like a deer in headlights. Those measly words paralyzed him. Although I think it had more to do with the fact that I was more than he could handle. Jacob always told me I intimated him. He was quiet and reserved around me. Whenever it was Jacob, Caleb and I , I felt this weird sense that Caleb watched my every movement. Like he felt completely guarded around me, uncomfortable and utterly disgusted by me. Like he was waiting on me to leave the room so he and Jacob could have the time of their lives. Which is more than likely why he ushered Jacob to upgrade his life and leave me out of it. Regaining his composure, he said “Are you even a little bit sad Faith ….? He was your grandfather…..” I was surprised he was questioning this and me. I picked myself up off my spring collection patio set. “There is not a single moment since his passing that I wish things were different. Let’s not keep his memory alive Caleb.”

Too drained to keep my guard up and too sad to pretend to be cordial. But something was different in the air tonight . I could feel it in my curls. The wind blew enough to allow my curly hair kiss my face multiple times. “My turn……why do you have that barn owl patch on your uniform… boys scouts or what….. Bahahaha laughing boisterously and unafraid. Assuming the joke didn’t land I laughed harder. I thought it was funny and that was all that mattered. It was hilarious because he seemed like just the type of man to be in boy scout. Steel gray eyes, deep dimples and a softspoken way about him. “My sister stitched this patch for me . When she was 7 …..Before … well you know…. His voice trailing off. Instantly feeling like a jack ass I jumped up and went in the house. In an attempt to make him feel better I offered him a cold beer. Everyone knows about his sister. She was taken at the age of 8…. Outside of Greenwood market. That was many moons ago though. When this town was still considered “safe”.

Reyna going missing shocked the whole town. Caused us to look at everyone like they could be kidnappers, or murders. Typically I’d see Reyna and her friends riding their bikes down to greenwood. Reyna was an light . Man was she a force. She was intuitive and golden. Sweet in nature and kind in spirit. I said bringing out the beers. “ You know Caleb …. Many moons ago the native American’s believed that the barn owl symbolized wisdom and protection. She is protected now on her journey. It also Symbolizes intuition…. Man did that girl have a knowledge that was otherworldly.” I said gazing into the dancing flames of the fire pit remember the light of Reyna…… He took off his top uniform shirt . Folded it until the owl patch was no longer visible. I took that as a sign he no longer wanted to discuss Reyna anymore. His muscles flex when he folded his shirt. Not intentionally. He was just big in that way. He studied my face. His eyes bounced around from my eyes , to my lips, back to my eyes , to my hair . Then to my Ears. It was like he saw me for the first time. He never looked at me this way before. At least never enough to notice my features. Maybe he was just scanning for a reaction. As often time people did when they had bad news to share with me. Mostly out of fear of my reaction. My anxiety started to creep back in. Making its way all the things I thought he would think of me. I kept hearing his voice play out, you’re a bad granddaughter who doesn’t care about her family. Your worthless. Your used up and broken…. who would want that? You asked your grandfather to do all those things……. “Faith are you okay? “He asked genuinely concerned. Nothing like what I imagined or prepared myself for in the 5 minutes that those thoughts ran across my mind. That questions tickled something inside of my gut. He was in sync with me, at least in that moment. It was magnetic. Without saying another word, I realized why. We both knew loss……

” Here let me give you a little tip.” He said walking over to me. He then grabbed my warm hand and placed his large, warmed palms under neath the back of my hand. He grabbed two of my fingers and placed them on the side of my neck. “Every time you start to feel out of control here, focus on your breathing.” He felt warm like the sunrays bating your skin on a Sunday morning. Forcing myself from him embracing magnetic pull. I quickly snatched my hand back. Remembering it was him who cost me the love of my life. Remembering it was him was the reason why I was stuck in this shithole town. I had my theories on why he came that night. Maybe he wanted to help with my grandfather’s case, because he knew who actually did it. Maybe he wanted to absolve himself of the guilt of ruining my relationship. Maybe he wanted to take advantage of me in my lowest moment. Maybe he was the killer. Maybe he wanted to make sure I’d keep my mouth shut. “Breath Faith Breath” ……sensing my body tightening “Caleb …. WHY ARE YOU HERE ……….?