Ex-Best Friend

Blinking to focus, I wake up in the transition room. Thankful it’s dimly lit this time for a gentler adjustment. The quiet hits me first. All I can hear is the sound of my own breathing, a steady in and out rhythm. The adrenaline I felt before is gone now. I flex my muscles in small groups from head to toe making a mental note that all feels utterly normal. It seems the transition was a success. Sliding my legs off the cot-like bed and rising into a sitting position, my feet rest upon the carpet floor. The transition door across the room stares me down, patiently waiting for me to walk through it. This will be the first time I walk through that metal door with a foe on the other side and not a friend. I will have to tread carefully.

The exact moment that thought crosses my mind, I hear a muffled grunt from the other side of the door. He’s in there. Arlo. My ex-boyfriend but really my ex best friend who betrayed me. We may have dated but we were best friends first which almost makes his wrongs even worse than the others. Almost. My eagerness now has me standing in front of the door peeking through the glass window. The room is dark except for a single light that gives me enough information to know his back is to me and he’s rope-tied down to a chair. Seems safe enough for me to accomplish what I came here for. Pushing the cold handle down, I shove the door open and am taken aback by bright lights. My hand flies up to stop the assault on my constricting pupils. A moment passes and I see I will be confronting Arlo within the confines of a baseball field. How fucking fitting.

I close the transition door behind me which is now disguised as a chain-link fenced dugout entrance. A wooden board with the word “HOME” is scrawled in paint above it. I glance across the field and see “AWAY” written above the other dugout entrance. There are even empty stands and the brightness is coming from field lights way above us. Beyond the lights is a perfect star speckled night sky. How realistic this all feels. It’s easy to understand how someone could stay trapped in their own head this way. The transition chamber is nothing short of impressive.

Seeing no need to remain quiet, I whistle a slow tune while strolling over to the pitcher’s mound where Arlo is strapped and waiting. He can only peer at me through his peripherals but his suspense is short lived. Feeling like a tiger about to pounce on her prey, I position myself in front of him spreading my feet shoulder width apart and crossing my arms. I can’t help myself as a grin spreads across my face.

“Hello, Arlo,” I drag the ‘o’ out ever so slightly at the end of his name. Recognition sparks in his eyes as he muffles through the gag in his mouth. I waggle my index finger at him. I will be leading the conversation this time.

“Listen. I get it. You’re probably SUPER confused right now. I would be too if I woke up in a baseball field gagged and bound in front of my ex-girlfriend. It’s understandably a perplexing situation,” I give him a wide berth as I circle around his chair. Behind him, I can see his pathetic attempts against the ropes binding his wrists. He can try all he wants but those are holding for as long as I see fit. Coming back around to the front of him, I see a little bit of sweat building up on his forehead where a few sandy locks of hair are beginning to darken and stick.

“Here’s what I’m thinking. All of this…” I gesture to the entire field, “has got to be a bad dream right? I mean in what world could I, poor and pitiful Evelyn, pull this off? It is absolutely absurd, wouldn’t you say?” Arlo returns a frustrated whine. Not going to pull the gag out just yet…

“But since we’re here, I’m thinking we should definitely take advantage of the situation. I personally think we should hash out some of our past bullshit. I mean, it looks like we have all the time in the world. You’re not going anywhere and I’m content to hang out and talk. So, let’s talk Arlo.” His golden-brown eyes track my every move as I pull his gag down. He takes a deep breath through his mouth first and I watch his throat bob with a swallow.

“Untie me, Evelyn,” his soft voice demands of me. I roll my eyes and look away while dramatically resting my hands on my hips. Because he’s obviously not going anywhere and partly because I needed this movement to distract him from the possibility that my face just gave away the realization that I missed his voice… how conflicting. I need to work on a better poker face.

“I have a better idea. Let’s make a deal.” I drop my right palm out and grasp into the air at my hip. Just as my hand is about to close into a fist, a wooden bat handle forms in the empty space. He inhales sharply in what could only be surprise. The weight of the bat brings back memories of my softball days. I casually swing it around my wrist and relish the old batting habit. He took this from me. Arlo is the reason I stopped playing softball. Well, I’m going to play today. I point the thick end of it in his face and I can tell I have his full attention.

“Deal is this: you tell me the truth for every question I ask and I keep this bat to myself. If you lie, I play eenie meenie miney mo with your kneecaps. Sound good?” For the first time since I’ve known Arlo, fear strikes his face.

“What is this place? Why are you doing this?” He leans toward me from his seat. Looks like he might be starting to take me seriously after all these years. Good. Do I want to hurt him? Not really. But I feel like coming off too nice will get me the same crappy excuses he gave me years ago. I want the truth and I’m not risking being the soft Evelyn that let her boyfriends take advantage of her. This time, the tables are turning and Arlo is the first up to bat. I ignore his questions completely.

“Arlo. True or false. Was I your best friend in college?” His mouth is gapping like a fish and here I thought this was the easy question. I wave my free hand in encouragement, “Use your words… true or false?”

“True…” he stares up at me.

“Good answer! Now, true or false. Did you ask me to be your girlfriend back in college?”

“True.” I nod my head in agreement as I begin another slow rotation around his chair. He is no longer struggling against the ropes. Wow, is the emotionally closed off Arlo listening for once? Guess a little threat goes a long way. I subconsciously swing the bat every few steps.

“Okay so now that we have established history, let’s talk details…” I mosey my way back up front to study his face for this next part. I have a feeling a kneecap might get shattered… “During the course of our relationship, did you ever cheat on me?” The color drains from his face. I was looking forward to that reaction in particular.

“Cat got your tongue, Arly?” I intentionally use the nickname I gifted him all those years ago when we became best friends. With him specifically, I’m not keen on hurting him physically. Mainly, I want Arlo to feel every single emotion I walked away from him with. I want this to make his heart hurt just as badly as mine did. Thankfully, I no longer carry that sadness. It has conveniently transformed into anger. I grip the bat with two hands and take a deliberately slow, aimed test swing at his left knee. I never make contact but I repeat this motion until he finally speaks up.

“Evelyn, please! Please just listen to me! We can talk about this without getting crazy. I know you’re not going to like the answer but you have to believe me when I tell you I never cheated on you. I swear!” Wrong answer. Without a second thought, I lift and push my left foot into the sand just as my right shoulder coils up with the bat’s upswing. I release the tension with a follow through strike to the left kneecap. The impact felt almost EXACTLY like connecting with a softball. The scream that left his throat is more alarming than I’d like to admit. Taking a healthy step back, I give him a moment to breathe through his pain. I bet it hurts like hell but he has nothing to cry about. I know it’s not broken. He has no idea that this pain is all in his head. His knee is perfectly fine in the real world.

“It might help if I rephrase the question,” my voice comes out coolly, even though my adrenaline has spiked again. I point the bat in his face once more. “Did you cheat on me with that sorority girl from the apartment next door to yours? And before you answer Arly, remember that your kneecaps can go a few rounds but your elbows aren’t going to last more than one hit.” His eyes meet mine and you could say he was staring at a complete stranger from that look. Like he has never met me before. To be fair, the woman he knew is gone. That woman was young and naïve. This one knows exactly what happened to her and this woman is out to avenge her younger self. If this doesn’t feel like healing a broken heart, I don’t know what does.

“Evelyn. She was just my neighbor while we were together. I swear we broke up long before anything happened with her,” he grits through his teeth. A hollow laugh escapes me. The lies are endless even now.

“You remember when I tried out for the college softball team and made the cut?” He holds my gaze with a slightly baffled expression as he pinches his eyebrows together a bit. “I was sooo happy. I couldn’t believe I made it! I shared my excitement with you. And that lasted all of what? Twenty-four hours? Until you found out the next day that you made the baseball team. And do you remember the conversation you had with me about it?” The gears are actively turning in his head.

“Here, let me refresh your memory!” With pent up rage, I whip the bat on the ground at his feet creating a small puff of smoke from the sand. He flinches.

“YOU TOLD ME,” I point with both hands from him to me, “…That if we both joined the sport, we would have to break up because it was too ‘time-consuming’ for both of us to participate.” I emphasize with my fingers to show quotations for the word ‘time-consuming’.

“I mean, WHO SAYS THAT?” My arms jerk up in question while I continue, “And then hilariously, you manipulated me into giving up my team so we could stay together while you got to play ball. But the real kicker here Arlo, is that you DROPPED OUT of college, left your team and me behind, while I STAYED without another chance of getting onto the softball team I so desperately wanted to be a part of!” I’m fuming at this point. I’m worked up because there is no way to change the past. Arlo doesn’t say a word.

“And on top of it, I’m finding out from your guy best friends that you cheated on me with the sorority girl next door. So, excuse me for being a little pissed off about the whole situation!” Both of us are breathing hard from anger or pain. Eventually, our breaths slow and the silence thickens between us.

“I’m sorry…” he whispers with his eyes cast down. I close the distance and roughly grab his chin. Forcing him to make eye contact with me while simultaneously trying to shove down my internal shock. The softness of his beard intrusively reminds me of more intimate times between us.

“What did you just say?” His eyes are beginning to water, possibly from his injured knee. He shakes his head trying to release from my grasp. I hold steady.

“I’m sorry Evelyn... For hurting you,” his voice is thick with emotion. I let go of his chin. I know it sounds crazy but the relief of hearing those words… indescribable. Especially from a best friend who broke my heart. A long pause passes between us.

“Arly… that’s all I wanted.” I can feel the sting of tears forming. “You were my best friend. I just wanted the truth or some kind of apology. You meant the world to me before things got complicated…” I trail off unsure what to say from here. He nods in understanding.

“I know babe.” Those three words shoot cold through me. I haven’t heard them in so long… I let a few tears fall freely while I untie him from the chair. The skin is noticeably raw from his attempts at escape. Once free, he alternates rubbing each red wrist to alleviate some pain or get the blood flowing again I’m sure. He takes a tentative step up from the chair, testing his knee. Judging from his small groan, it’s definitely sore at the very least. In my opinion, a small price to pay for lying. He better not think this Evelyn is going to apologize for it either. He turns to face me now. I was ready for this so I made sure to be a few steps away once he was free. Too much time has passed and I don’t know this man anymore. I really shouldn’t have let him loose but lies equate to punishment and genuine apologies equate to rewards. He never once apologized in the past but he did now. To me, that counts for something. Plus, I know I cracked a good one over his knee so I know I can reach the home dugout before he could ever catch me.

I feel uncomfortable under his stare. I wrap my arms around my waist and try to look anywhere else but at him. He used to gaze at me like that years ago and past feelings of vulnerability begin to rise within me. I notice from the corner of my eye that he’s limping towards me. I can’t find it in me to move just yet. I unnervingly allow him to come within a foot of me. I feel tremors rack my body; possibly from fear or adrenaline, I’m not sure. I feel his fingers gently grip my chin and lift my head to him. Those golden-brown eyes hold me in place. I can sense his hesitation but I wait.

“It happened the day before I broke up with you. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I did it. I couldn’t face you. So instead of admitting my wrongs, I left,” he pauses to take a deep breath, “I couldn’t believe I let myself get that drunk to cheat on you. My very best friend. And it’s not an excuse. I know that. I just wish I had the balls to say this to your face sooner because it bothers me more than I’d like to admit.” I allow the tears to flow without wiping them away. Finally. Not just an apology but an actual admittance to wrongdoing. He risks a bad reaction from me but caresses my face anyway to clear it of tears. I allow it this one time because I know once we leave here… my best friend is still gone and he always will be. This will be the last time we ever get to speak to each other and he won’t remember it. Because I will wake up in reality fully aware and his memory of this interaction will be wiped clean. Just like a dream.

“Thank you for telling me…” I say through tears. He nods in understanding.

“I know it doesn’t mean much now but I miss you every day. I never stopped loving you, E.,” he softly whispers. God, I missed him too. But our history has already happened. This is part of moving on, being able to accept that fact.

“I miss you more than you know,” I admit. His mouth curves up a little to one side as he bends down to kiss my wet cheek. I can’t do this. This was supposed to be closure for me. Not another heartbreaking goodbye. I pull away from him.

“Looks like our time is up, Arly.” I shrug and don a small smile for him. His return expression is a bittersweet one. I wonder what he’s thinking... It rips open my guilty conscience to know he won’t remember any of this. But it’s for the best. I memorize his features before I walk to the home dugout. Nothing more is said and I don’t dare look back as I close the transition door behind me. I know he can't follow me passed this point. The cot waits for my return to travel through the last transition back to reality but I don’t go right away. In the middle of the room, I give myself a private moment to fall to the floor and drown in a puddle of my own tears. Overwhelmed with too many emotions I can’t name just yet.