Esteemed Exquisite Equines Engender Endemic Extinction
Cause A Bunch Of Dope @$$ MothaF*ckers Made Me Do It
Before mankind walked upright, unicorns freely roamed the earth. Sadly, their meat was prized by all predators, so their numbers naturally dwindled. The surviving members, however, split into two distinct species, the mountain and forest variants.
“Shall we expand the herd, Dillon?”
“I’d love to, Fidelia.”
“Mount me.”
Though his mind and heart were all Fidelia’s, his body wasn’t cooperating, like the previous times.
“I’m sorry, honey.”
“Don’t worry,” she nuzzled him, “we’ll try again later. I’m off to graze.”
Sulking, his torment had just begun, “Ha! How pathetic, Dillon!”
“Leave me be, Aida.”
“Your flesh breaks her heart. So, I’ll fix you.”
“How?”
“Tup me.”
“Unicorns mate for life, Aida.”
“Oh, just don’t seed me. Get close, then gallop to Fidelia.”
“It’ll never work."
Aida placed herself in front of him, wafting her pheromones his way, “I’m in heat,” she seduced.
His body responded. “Fine,” he grumbled, “but I won’t seed your field, no matter how fertile.”
Thinking of Fidelia, Dillon’s heart centered on her, until-
“DILLON!”
“Oh no,” Aida acted traitorously abashed.
“Fidelia! It’s not what it looks like!”
“I can’t believe I loved you,” Dillon’s horn split in two, “you horny old goat.”
Thus, the first bicorns, the mountain goats arose.
Meanwhile, the forest unicorns were more sexually dimorphic than their mountain counterparts.
“King of beasts? Hardly. King of the savannah, maybe.”
“Who are you referring to, Garveet?”
He answered the hornless hind, “I’m talking about that lion, Anuka, Giolla.”
“He can’t hunt us. Our dwellings differ, and he’s too slow.”
“So are his wives. Still, he mocked me.”
“How so?”
“He declared, ‘A king takes as he pleases. Be it a life to eat or toy with, or a hind for a queen or concubine.’”
“Garveet, you’re already a king.”
“Yes, but there can only be one, true, king. All others are usurpers to my reign. I’ll strike them down and take who I please as I please.”
“What about me?”
“I’ll still have you too. Besides, you do need my protection after all, don’t you?”
Giolla whimpered, “Yes.”
Garveet’s horn split for every doe he took, becoming a crown for the forest king. Thus, deer became.
Unicorns bred themselves into abstraction.
Thavien’ Token: This story was crafted for L.C. Schäfer’s “Fucked Up Fairytales - An Unofficial Challenge.” Does it count as a fairytale? In all honesty, I have no idea. L.C. Schäfer will be the judge of that. Being that it's not about a specific recognizable fairytale, but a fantasy creature, like a pendulum to jazz music, this could swing either way.
P.S. You should totally check out some of those unicorn stories from Dope @$$ MothaF*ckers.
Peace.
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Comments (4)
Wonderfully funny with a learning twist on fidelity. Nicely done and good luck with the challenge
Hahahahhahahaha horny old goat! It made me think of Horny Goat Weed. It makes men get hard and last longer. I love Fidelia! Also, did only Dillon's horn split into two? How about Aida's? Loved both your origin stories!
Hahaha, this was amazingly clever! I love the bicorn ☺️ Awesome job!
Okay. That's actually somewhat weirdly believable. Well done.