Escaping The Rivers Of Styx

   She died in my arms today at 11:11am. I made it back just in time to hold her and watch the foam rise from her mouth like some sick parasite consuming her.  My heart shattered into a million pieces at that moment. I should have been there for her, I should have seen the signs.  The last thing she left behind was a poem.

“If I died today what would you have left to say?  What would you undo? What will you still do?

You broke my heart in two. I’d rather have him than you.  Perhaps in my death you can find escape.  You can break free from the pain I leave in my wake.  For as my life I take, I hope from my pain you can escape.”

It was my fault.  How I wish I could press rewind.  The images haunt my mind.  Images of happier times.  She was on vacation with me when he passed.  It was my fault she didn’t get to see him in his last moments.  I don’t know if she ever would forgive me for that. I don’t know if I saved her pain or caused her more. It was too late, she had crossed over and went to the other side. I hesitated for a moment but knew what I had to do.  I I swallowed the remaining poison and said a brief prayer trusting my will, strength, and intentions.  Perhaps I could bring her back.

It was painful at first, convulsions and foam vomit. When my heart stopped I felt  relief like exhaling after taking a long breath.  They say your life flashes in front of your eyes when you die but that's not the case.  First you see light.  A bright luminous light that is hard to describe.  It’s kind of like looking into a solar eclipse.  Then you see the guide.  They say he comes in many forms.  For me he was just a shadowy cloaked figure, for some it could be a family member or some angelic being.  It’s a trick, a sadistic trap to bring us back.  They call it the reincarnation trap.  

“It’s not your time.  You need to go back and restart your life, otherwise you will be lost.” He tells me.  I’ve studied the afterlife so I’m familiar with their trickery.  The reincarnation trap they call it.  Most fall for it.  See this is when your life flashes before your eyes.  Only it’s not a flash, but instead more of a recap or highlight reel.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  At first it’s kind of fun and funny.  They gain your trust, but then it quickly turns to an endeavour of shame and guilt.  This is what is supposed to break you.  The guilt and shame bring you back for redemption, but I already know this will only lead to the same besides that’s not why I’m here.  I’m here to find her, my true love, my soulmate that much like Dante I let down.

It’s funny when once you pass and crossover you're more connected to the universe.  I feel her presence here somewhere.  She didn’t fall for their trickery either.  She’s lost somewhere out there and I need to find her before it’s too late.  She’s searching for her dad but she’s lost in a dangerous place.  A place where demons and beasts roam free and for a soul that’s not secure or at peace it’s easy to get lost for eternity.  

The entity before me is angry as I resist and break free.  Cries, agonies, and shrieks echo through what feels like the cold shrill air around me. I turn and run, not pausing once to look back. I ran as far and as fast as I could, still filthy with my sins having been freshly replayed for me.  Lucky for me I faced these demons before, and while they still bring sorrow to my heart they are nothing I can’t contend with.  Still I’m crying now as I run, tears streaming down my cheeks.  

I can hear her too, she’s crying screaming lost somewhere in agony.  She can see signs but can’t find him anywhere nor can she find her way in this strange place.  When I finally feel safe and stop running I look up to see huge golden gates.  At first I think to myself that this is the entrance to heaven, but I know that’s not the case.  For just beyond the great gates that seem to stretch endlessly into the heavens are six rivers.

As I approach the rivers I can still feel my heart thumping my chest, like a scratching dog.  As I near the rivers I see the small filthy clothed scraggly bearded man in a small canoe.  His eyes are like an inferno, flames rising like a fireplace that had just been fed fresh kindle and logs.  The rest of him is covered in black soot and dirt, but strangely I don’t fear the small being.

“Have you seen her?  The lost beauty that’s my other half?”  The creature looks at me with a devilish grin and snickers.  “I may have seen her, that of whom you speak of.  Lost and in pain she is. Broken and fragile the precious flower acts strong and seeks that which can not be found.  Charon seldom makes exceptions for the unburied and those without the coin of tongues.  She was in pain and broken but pure.  Charon make exception for her.”  His voice crackled as he spoke.  

“Take me to her, I must find her.”  My words are spoken with strength and conviction in hopes to persuade the being.  Only they have no such effect, instead he lets out a crackling echoing laugh that penetrates into my mind and causes me to have a dizzying headache.  “Oh no no no, charon no make exception for you, for you are as tainted and soiled as a baby's diaper. You need higher power than charon.” 

In this world I don’t know if it’s my blood that's boiling but it doesn’t matter.  I stumble away and fall to my knees in tears.  I cry out and scream to the heavens for help from anyone.  I have never had a good perception of time and it’s even harder here, but eventually a crow appears. It squawks once or twice, then my jaw drops as it speaks.  

“The one you seek, the love of your life I can help you get to her and get back, but how bad do you want her?”  The bird's voice was raspy, broken, and sends a chill through my core, any other time I would have ran.  Only I’m desperate, I need to find her. 

“Tell me how, I’ll do anything.”  At my words the bird seemed to squawk in excitement.  “Anything you say…”  I nod instantly. “Anything”  I say with confidence and conviction.  “She’s everythin, I need to make things right”  The bird squawks again.  “Fine I will tell you how to get her back, but upon your return to this realm you belong to me.”  I hesitate for a moment and then nod.  The bird almost seems to smile.  “Fine the woman you seek is lost, she circles the land of Acheron which is the realm of pain, the realm of Lethe which is the realm of forgetfulness and Cocytus which is the realm of wailing.  I will give you the coin of condemned tongues, give it to Charon he will take you to her.  You must convince her to go with you.  Then you must both eat from the Pear Tree Of Life and Vitality.  It will bring you back to the exact place you came from.  You will be free to live your life, but upon your return you belong to me.”  

I nod, having no words, only a lump that feels like a stone in my throat.  I stare in amazement as the bird coughs up a great coin with a scary image of a flaming forked tongue.  I say nothing and grab the coin and race to Charon.  

“For that coin I make exception.”  He says with a snicker.  “Fear not for I am connected to the crow, I understand your journey.  First stop, Cocytus.” I enter the vessel and we make our path down the dark river.  As we traverse the long winding river and pass a path of long weeping willows my ears are raped by a loud wailing.  It’s almost too much to bear, and as I spy the scenes along the river bed it becomes too much.  I spy tiny unborn creatures and grown men and women lost to guilt.  It’s the unborn bloody beings that churn my stomach and cause me to vomit.  I don’t need Charon to explain what I already know, but to my dismay he does anyway.  “The tiny bloody ones you see are the unwanted, unborn, aborted.  They don’t have a chance to atone for their sin.  They get no exceptions and are brought here to rot.”  I don’t need to hear more and just bury my head in my arms and swallow my tears.  

It’s not till moments later when I hear Charon exclaim that I look.  “There she is lost in Lethe in the bushes of forgetfulness, she will not remember you.”  His words are spoken with a hiss. I don’t even wait for him, I just jump into the river and swim.  Then I run to her dripping both the water of hades and tears.  When I see her I’m empty, devoid of emotion or perhaps so overwhelmed I don’t know what I’m feeling.  Her face is pale as a ghost, but when I grab her hands they are still soft as I remember.  

She smacks me with tears falling from her cheeks.  “Don’t touch me.  I don’t know you.” She says sternly.  “I don’t know where or why I’m here.  I don’t remember anything.”  The tears are welling up in my eyes.  She’s a shadow of herself, but I just need to get her back.  I don’t hesitate, I know what I need to do.  Instinctively I just close my eyes and kiss her with everything I have left.  It was always in our kiss that we knew we were soulmates.  It’s timeless, it's eternal, and while she doesn’t remember I know she feels it.  It’s enough, the fire, the feeling, we don’t know what it is but it’s there and it’s gotten us this far. 

“I don’t know you.”  She whispers.  Tears and snot run down my face and I can only nod. “I know, but you have to trust me.  You have to come with me.  It’s the only way out of here.”  Her face is blank and scared but she nods in agreement.  I take her by the hand and we enter Charon's vessel.  The creature nods and laughs.  “Impressive.” He snares.  “Maybe your love is true.  I know where the Pear Tree Of Life and Vitality is.  I will take you there.”

We are lost in each other's eyes the rest of the way.  Her eyes are still empty but as we draw closer to the tree I see her glimpses of her coming back. I can feel her returning.  I hold her hand so tight our palms grow sweaty.  When the boat finally stops in front of the glowing tree, I have not a breath or a word left. I just grab her by the arm and race towards the great tree. There are no words exchanged. I just pick the largest pear I can find and take a bite and kiss her lost in love and regret.  We split the fruit in our mouths and feel ourselves sucked away from this dark place.  As we are thrown back in reality it all feels different.  I wake up groggy and just hug her not knowing what’s to come.  I’m just grateful for whatever time we have left.