Drowning in Sorrows.

In the absence of light, I suppose darkness is my new ruler. I am beside myself but can’t presume my owner has the audacity to leave me here surrounded in this cesspool of filth. Doesn't she know I am royalty? I was forged on a pedestal and looked highly upon by jealous eyes wishing I could be theirs. I hope she has organized search efforts. Or at the absolute least, filed a missing possession report with the proper authorities.

Oh, how I long for her touch again. I’m left here to revel in the splendid days we’ve spent together pressing garments, preparing dinner, or even tucking in the misbehaving delinquents she calls angels. And remember the time when her hair became entangled with- Wait! How would you know, you weren't there. Oh well, keep reading you might just be useful to me at some point. Was that rude of me to say? I do apologize. We've never been acquainted and I'm already being a pretentious little shit. So, let's try this again. Hi, nice to meet you. Will you please continue reading? I could use the company of someone with their head above water. Thank you!

As I was stating, I love her, the Mrs. that is. I'm positive her mascara has left many black trails sobbing over my whereabouts. We've been together for years, and boy, do I have a story or three to share about the likes of this woman. She's smothered in flaws, and I don't care. It's not her fault she’s inept and shamelessly flaunts her admirable imperfections, so leave her be! She's mine... or was mine. Maybe she's given up on me and seeks a replacement. But...but, am I not irreplaceable? One of a kind? Custom made?

May I impose on you for a tipple of scotch? I could really use its strength inducing effects. And make sure it's of a premium vintage! With this migraine, I don't have the time or energy to muster the thoughts of a five-dollar, generic brand...

Please excuse my behavior; my temperament fluctuates causing entitlement to escape. Thank you for understanding. Any brand would be appreciated.

Now, where I was in this unfortunate brief? Correct! Thank you.

Marissa is her name and for the life of me I can’t spell or even begin to articulate her surname. The day we met was a desirable moment stolen from heaven. I remember that look in her eye when she first held me, kissed me, then placed me on my forever spot. It was going to be a fruitful union. That's until she got the gumption to do some useless chores one day and I became detached. She didn’t even notice. By now though, she's definitely aware since our anniversary occurs every year when the flowers are in bloom. We were inseparable, two peas in a pod. It feels like an eternity since I've felt the warmth of her skin...

What I’ll miss the most is the never-ending soap opera. There is more day-to-day drama than a night out with a group of Karens. Never a dull moment. Can anyone relate? I hate to make this all about me, so feel free to jump in if you have anything of worth to share...

I bet you saw right through that one. It is about me! This is a life-or-tarnish situation! Desperation is an understatement! I NEED OUT OF THIS SWAMPY CAVE NOW!

...These outbursts are becoming more frequent. It's not who I am at all. If only I could recall the numeric combination that leads to her phone, I could have one you fine people contact her, solving this spectacle in a matter of minutes. She's always on that contraption, spreading rumors or conversing with her mother or... or purchasing stuff she doesn't need. All she needs is me! Hmm, an idea may be brewing on the cusp. First, I'm going to need a volunteer. Can one of you assist me by tracing my serial number to our address, then travel here to inform her of my whereabouts? I think we've built a trustful bond in one another at this point-

Wait a minute! Stand by...something is definitely transpiring. I hear voices getting closer. I can hear her! Maybe she's come for me!

"Why are plumbers so damn expensive? I hope you take cash! It's gotta be down there! It's the only place I can't check. Damien is going to kill me if I don't find it!"

Did she say someone was going to kill her? What's that? Oh yeah, Damien, he's her blundering idiot of a husband. But I do have to give him credit, he sure has exquisite taste in jewelry.

Brace yourself everyone! The walls are starting to rumble! It's either an earthquake or this pipe has a bad case of indigestion! Hold on for dear life!

I can see light! I'm falling! I'm falling! I'm falling! YUCK! The cesspool fell with me. There she is! There's my irresponsible excuse of a human. She's reaching for me! She's reaching for me! She's reaching passed me! She's reaching passed me! She doesn't recognize me covered in filth. I'M RIGHT HERE DIMWIT!

Can you believe that? She grabbed the stupid diamond ring that was down there with me. He's been traumatized since the day he breeched the drain. Never said a lick, just shivered the whole time.

I don't think she ever cared about me. She's wiping off the ring and putting it back on her finger.

"There's something else there! It looks like... YES, IT IS! My gold, birthstone bracelet I got on my 3rd wedding anniversary. I haven't seen it in a month. I thought for sure I lost it at the club."

She’s reaching for me… She’s got me! Thank God! I knew she missed me! She's cleaning me off. Ahh, that feels so good! She’s putting me back on my forever spot! Home at last!

Sorry for having to call her a dimwit in front of you all but it's been a long time... a long, frustrating time of getting drowned in soapy water, caked in disgusting, toothpaste spittle and although the minty freshness of mouthwash was tolerable, freedom is so much better.

I guess this means farewell for now! I was just getting used to having you around. But guess what? I was rescued! It feels great, doesn't it? Thank you so much for allowing me to lean on you and gripe. May all of your human dreams come true. And let this be a lesson of what NOT to put your prized possessions through.

Now excuse us, I have a feeling we are going to go converse on the phone with the ‘homegirls’. Ba-bye now.