Doomsday Diary

“I’ve got to get it,” I said as I stood near the precipice that was now my life.

“That’s suicide. Just leave it.”

I shook my friend’s words out of my head.

“I’ve got to get it.”

I turned and looked at her once and then cautiously bent down extending one leg over the cliff.

“What are you doing? Cindell, stop!”

“It’s all I have left.”

And as I swung my other leg over the edge gripping my hands into the dirt for dear life, I realized how much those words were true.

Don’t look down, Cindell. Just don’t look.

I tried to block out my friend’s protests and keep positive thoughts circulating through my brain and down to my limbs which were already burning with hate. I found footing that seemed stable so I stood there for a moment thinking of how exactly I would reach my prize. I glanced down. I had to. Even with the gas mask on I immediately spotted the gold heart-shaped locket stuck on a ledge several feet below. My heart skipped a beat and I studied the rocks below me trying to find a foot path to my destination.

Or your death.

My eyes immediately looked down and out and I saw just how far the plummet to my grave would be. Getting dizzy, I gripped the dirt even harder which made the gravel move and I knew I had to keep going. Ignoring my friend’s outreached hand and pleas I stepped down again. My foot dangled for a while as I moved it around trying to find something solid. It touched rock and I breathed heavily. I moved one hand down to another rock I spotted below. I removed the other foot and hand and for a brief moment thought how easy it would be to let go. To let go of all of this. To vanish like so many others had.

My foot somehow found a rock and I planted it gripping rocks now with both hands. I looked down again but this time it was harder to see the locket because my mask had fogged up from the heavy breathing. I dared not remove it so I stayed there and tried to breathe in and out slowly. I looked around again, this time straight out. It was desolate. All of it. There wasn’t a single green spot in sight. I remembered when these mountains were nothing but green. Luscious green towers of plants and flowers that I could never name. But once the disease set in, it ended up killing not only us but the plant life as well.

Oh how I had taken this for granted. Oh how I had taken so much for granted.

Back down to the locket. It was only really a few feet from me now but I seemed like the distance of a football field. Sweating, I turned back to the cliff. We were dancing, it and I. It was gesturing me to place my foot. But I must follow correctly or it would be my last dance. I removed my right foot again from sanctuary and leaned down trying to tap my way to a ledge. Finding one that seemed close to the locket my heart raced and I planted my foot there. Taking no more moments to breathe I removed my other foot and climbed down. But this was the wrong dance move and my right foot flew into nothingness as the rock crumbled below it. My hands gripped the rocks they were on but, again, wrong placement for this performance. I slid down and the rocks dug into the skin of my stomach and arms as I clung to my dance partner. One of my hands miraculously found a hard surface and I hung to that rocky ledge like my life depended on it. Cause it did. No time to think I dug my foot into the cliff praying it would be kind. My shoes touched something stable under each foot and I spotted another rock for my other hand to grab. I hugged the cliff loving it more than I ever thought I could. I looked to my right and stopped breathing. There it was. The thing that I was willing to die for. The gold locket sat there beckoning me to reach out. For a brief moment I thought about grabbing it and jumping. But I knew I hadn’t come this far just to throw it all away. I grabbed the locket and stuffed it into my pocket.

The climb back up the cliff was less difficult as I learned the flow of moves from my partner. We were in synch and our moves were fluid. Hand, cliff, foot, cliff, hand, cliff, foot, cliff. I reached out for my friend’s hand and it felt like I had been gone for centuries. I pulled out the gold locket, careful to move away from the cliff so as not to drop it again.

“You’re crazy, you know that?” she said angrily. “Well, was it worth it?”

I opened the smooth locket now in my hand and there they were. My two daughters. My husband. My family smiling at me and with their eyes telling me that it was going to be okay.

“Yeah,” I said smiling back at their beautiful faces I would never see again. “It was worth it.”