Divine Timing

"Why do you travel alone?", my date asked.

"It's because I am trying to prove to myself that I can do it all by myself. I want to feel self-sufficient and independent. When I travel alone it makes me feel as if I have made it in life", I realize how stupid it sounds but I said it. **Bad decisions make great stories**

I thought I should say something nice so I muttered, "You are the first person that I went out with in NYC". I am terrible at this. Why am I doing this to myself? I hear Jaime Lannister's voice inside my head, "Things I do for Love". But this isn't love, I do these things to prove to myself that I am a normal person. Then I hear Morticia say, "Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly".

What do I crave most? A conversation? A touch? Or someone who I can walk home with? Where is it? Home? Is it a place or a feeling? After all "We are all walking each other home" ~ Ram Dass. Home must be somewhere in that green grass field, where yellow wildflowers grow and we can lay for hours without looking at the time because time doesn't exist. All we have is forever in the morning sunshine and we laugh and play and chase the yellow butterflies (the small ones).

If I am already overthinking then maybe I should go back to the Unfinished Business that I have in NYC - The Soul Purse - I promised I'd come back for it. It has been a really long time so I am not even sure if I will find it. Even if I find it, would I like it or want it? Why did I want it in the first place? Maybe the shiny glitter attracted me to it and I was just enamored by its beauty. Loved it for the potential but never thought about the long-term utility. I was a different person before the quarantine. Living through a major historic event changes you. It makes you think things through and see it for what it is not for what you want it to be.

"We ignore truths for temporary happiness" ~ unknown

We believe in the idealized world of fairy tales where we need to be a certain way, need to have certain stuff, possess certain qualities, yada yada yada to get our Happy Ending. We pretend to be someone that we are not because we have this need to fit in while also craving a soul connection. But baby, you have to know your soul before you can understand what makes you happy. Each of us is born to create our own worlds and have our own fairy tales.

The truth is, if I really wanted it, I would have got it in fall'19 (It was available online too) but the reason I didn't get it was because it wasn't "The One" for me. We can say "Bad Timing" multiple times or we can accept it as it is. The right "purse" would be timeless :). It would make so much sense that we will not overthink the decision and just feel comfortable enough to pursue it. ** Love me Love me Say that you love me. Fool me Fool me Go on and Fool me. ~ Lovefool, The Cardigans **

In short, I am not getting the purse anymore. I have learned my lesson here.

It wouldn't stop me from grabbing another cup of coffee though.