Diamond or Dust?

*warning: mention of attempted sexual assault

I was a fool to think that there was a man who would never speak falsehood to me. I thought my dear husband and Earl of Derby, Jefferies Worthington to be the expectation, but alas, it seems that news as of late would enlighten me otherwise.

***

This tale truly starts eight years ago, but it is not where I choose to begin. Rather, I start in Germany, months ago, with a sickly woman on her deathbed, holding the hand of a small sobbing girl. With much agony, the dying woman whispers goodbye in her daughter's ear, more devasted by those words than her deceasing mortality. With her last breath, she gave her final request, to send her daughter to London, where her absentee and unknowing father resides. He would be the one to now assume responsibility of the now motherless girl.

With great haste, the young lady, along with a rather horrid and condescending maid, made their way to the oblivious father's London home. Once the carriage halted in front of the house, often called the Worthington Castle, for the father is of prominent rank and standing in society. (And as all know, the higher the rank, the ridiculously bigger the home.) Now as I was relaying before I fell off course. Once the carriage halted in front of the Worthington Castle, the distraught and not quite eager girl and her maid approached the door. The door opened to a kind, but fidgety footman who led them to the outskirts of the drawing room where one entertains callers. Seated and involved in varied activities in the room are the Earl Jefferies Worthington, myself, and my four small children; Lords Joseph, George, Andrew, and Miss Abigail.

"Earl Worthington. You have a caller," announced the footman, who appeared to be nervously fidgeting more than the norm.

"Send them in." A pause and the footman was still frozen where he stood. Jefferies put down the paper and questioned, "Is there a problem, John?"

The footman hurried to my husband's side, whispering fiercely in his ear. Now mind you, my husband does well to mind his facial expressions, however, the man's skin went from olive to ash. His eyes widen in shock and if the paper been still in his hand, it would have surely torn.

"Persephone, have your lady's maid mind the children outside."

I place my embroidering on the table beside me and call out for my maid, who swiftly ushered my children to the garden. "Jefferies?" He remained silent. "Jefferies, you are scaring me."

"Send them in." He turned to me, with an overwhelming sadness on his face. "I am so sorry, my beautiful orchid." Ever since Jefferies witnessed my great love for orchids, he granted me with the endearment of "beautiful orchid"; a phrase he commonly uses, but especially at times he wishes to soften me, or more tame my fiery temper. What had he done?

In walked the aforementioned downcast child and equally dreadful maid. I was at a loss of words, for the child bore great resemblance to my husband. I was similarly at a loss of hearing, for the only thing I heard once the young girl walked into the room was this: "This is Talia, daughter of Earl Worthington and the recently deceased Miss Anne Waters."

While I may have lost my hearing for a time, I did not lose my sight. What hurt me more than the news of this an apparent illegitimate daughter was the obvious devastation Jefferies wore when the news of this Miss Anne Waters' death reached his ears. It was the heartbreak I had only seen with those in love.

It was this pure heartbreak that spoke the truth when my husband, the only man I will ever love in this life, spoke a great falsehood. He had loved another before me and he felt it a great disservice to tell me of her. However, be it love, a show of grace, or a desire to protect this new child as I would my own, a rather frank discussion of this did not occur till much later.

***

Six months later

One might think it strange for me to be quite mute about such a revelation as a past lover for such a long period of time. One might think it more strange I did not show disgust when my husband mourned for this past lover much as I expect, or rather hope, he would mourn me. However, I have learned a number of things about grief despite my short life thus far. Grief is not a feeling so easily understood; it is different for every person. Grief clouds the brain, causing lapses in judgement and in decision. When one is in mourning, it is not the time to have such a discussion as past lovers, for the mind is not clear to take on such a serious conversation.

Such a conversation did need to happen, for I could not let it slip that my husband had fed me falsehoods about a grand and fundamental part of our marriage. For it not only affected me as his wife, but also his children, specifically his eldest Miss Talia.

Pressure. If one was to ask me what the most difficult thing from the six months of late, it would have been the pressure. The pressure to hide, to wait, to give space. The pressure to be the mother Talia needed with the constant worry I was speaking in the wrong way. The pressure that came with dancing around the sensitive subject. It made me think of what my mother told me prior to my wedding day.

"Pressure can make or break a marriage, Persephone. Trials can either give you diamonds or dust."

***

Jefferies and I were not ones for spatting; if one occurred, as such a thing can not be avoided in life, it was quickly settled with agreements and compromises. So it took me quite by surprise when what I felt was only a needed conversation turned into a horrific argument. Perhaps if I spoke sooner, the many emotions would not have had so much time to build up to such heights.

"That is not enough, Jefferies. Telling me she was not worthy of mentioning is not enough of an explanation. Honestly it sounds there is quite a story there." I place a gentle hand on his shoulder, hoping to reassure him I had not a bit of intended malice. However, I was only met with silence, a sign he wanted to be quite finished with this subject.

"Answer me, my Lord."

With a start, he stood, aggravated at the dismissal of desire to leave the subject alone. "I did! You do not care even to attempt to understand!"

His bellowing echoes in our bed chamber, so much so I am sure he has frightened our staff away to their chambers. To an unknowing ear, they may only hear a man raising his voice toward a woman, toward his wife, in anger. I take pride in knowing the truth, though my simmering rage burns hotter than my pride at the moment. With every new height, I hear the fear, the frustration, and the sorrow.

Part of me wishes to calm him with gentle words like my mother had a tendency to with my father. However, the part drowning in confusion and pain is stronger. So, like an injured animal does to a helping hand, I lash out.

"I do not attempt, my Lord; I understand!" I cross the room to face my husband with mere inches between us. "I understand you spoke a tremendous falsehood to me, the very thing we promised each other to never do."

"I never spoke falsehoods to you, sweet Persephone." Jefferies cradles my head tenderly in his hands, begging me to look in his eyes to see the genuine and heartbroken look in his eyes. The very same eyes I fell in love with during the marriage mart season five years prior. "I did not know-"

Tearing away from his grasp, I back away, attempting to not be swayed by those iridescent green orbs. "Honestly, my Lord, do you think me so shallow to be in great distress because your daughter of seven years suddenly has become a part of our family? A daughter you have were not made aware of until months ago?"

"Of course not, my beautifu-"

"Do not!" I shout commandingly, feeling a great pain knowing what the man was going to say. I do not wish to be soften now.

With my heart pounding, I turn to Jefferies, my breathing jagged. "It gave me quite joy on our wedding night, when you told me I was your first and only in your bed, as you were mine. There are too many men in the our society whom experienced such an intimate act with other woman before and after they are wed. To have it revealed to myself and soon enough to the ton (for we had done everything to ensure this was kept quiet so Talia and Jefferies may grieve, and our family adjust without the bombardment of rumors), you were intimate with another woman when you led others to believe you were a rare find. A pure and untarnished man. My Lord. You have sullied not only your name. You have sullied the name of that sweet and naïve girl for years to come."

Never have I seen a man so ashamed. Bringing to attention the future struggle his recently revealed eldest daughter will face when she is of age to marry. To no fault of her own, she would only be seen as the product of an illicit premarital affair, no matter how extensive her beauty and grace. Unlike many of the gossips, I do not care for the stuffiness, rigidness, and haughtiness of our society. I do not feel anyone, especially women, should be judged on their lot in life or every minute action. Let it be quite known, I greatly despise many of society rules and restrictions of women. Women struggle a great deal more than we ought to because of society. Unfortune it is I and other women do not create the rules, for they would not be so burdensome.

All babble aside.

Sitting, or more collapsing, in the chair behind him, Jefferies hides his head in his hands. Moments pass before he lifts his head, his eyes filled with unshed tears. "You are far too good a woman for me, Persephone, for a truly special woman would hold more concern for a girl crashing into our world than herself."

Holding him by his chin, I tilt his head to look up at me. "I am not Cinderella's stepmother. I will not torture or demean an innocent girl for things she had no control over. And despite what others may think, I am not entirely upset of the fact of how she came to be. I treat Talia as well as I do the children we have together because that is me. That is whom you married."

I am however, upset, no, distressed and confused, that you felt you could not tell me of Miss Anne Waters. Did you fear I would not marry you because of your activities with another woman, activities I suspect were well over before then?"

Jefferies grabs a hold of my hand, gently pulling to sit in his lap. He looks up to me, calming himself for what seems to be a hard story to tell.

"I was never concerned if your knowledge of Miss Anne Waters prior to me proposing would factor in your decision. It was something I wished never to speak of ever again, for it left me broken and ashamed me in ways that took time for me to heal from."

I decide to reman silent, content with stroking his hair in comfort.

"Anne was the only other woman I had bedded prior to our wedding night. Our families were close and as even as children it seemed we were destined for one another. Maybe it was because of the pressure from our families and society we fell in love, or more what I thought was love. Now, it seems it was a merely a childish notion. Alas, when I was two and twenty, her nine and ten, we were hiding away from a soirée after a rather terrifying experience. I caught a young lad attempting to take advantage of Anne and there was a fight. We ran off, unchaperoned to the wine cellar, and became highly intoxicated. At first, it was heavy conversation, our greatest fears aired out for only the two of us. Then, be it because of the adrenaline, intoxication, the intensity of the conversation, or what I mistaken as passion, things became closely intimate.

Afterward, I thought things were fine. We did not tell a soul, not even our parents, and by some miracle, no one saw what happened that night. It was as if it never occurred. Things between Anne and I were different, and I thought I had found my future wife. We had plans for when Anne would be out two years later, to officially court one another for her first social season as a debutante and marry at the end of the season. I thought, with earnest, we were going to happy together.

Four months past and suddenly, we were estranged. Not just us, but also our families. I suspected until Talia came to our home, Anne's parents came to find out of our deception and wished to avoid scandal. Now, I suspect they found she had missed enough courses and was with child. Due to the fact that not even my parents knew of what was truly happening in the Waters household, Anne must have never told her parents the truth. Whatever be the case, a month later, the family and Anne simply disappeared. It was sudden and my family attempted to find out where they went. The only answer we received is business took the Waters family to elsewhere and they were not to return for the foreseeable future."

Tear tracks and a faraway look decorate Jefferies' face. I have no words, no speeches; all I have in the way of comfort is holding him while my love's heart breaks again in front of me.

"I am so sorry, my love. I have never told anyone, not my parents or my friends, the truth. I ruined a good woman, a friend, and I was a coward to never admit it," he sobs.

"No." I hold his head while taking little notice of my own tears mixing with his on my nightdress. "You, my Lord, my love, are not a coward. You are human. You were not made aware of the whole situation, therefore you could not do a thing about it. I know you only sought to do right by her, for you planned to marry her as soon as you could. If you had known she was with child-"

"I would have married her right away without a second thought," Jefferies finishes.

"My sentiments exactly."

Jefferies gives a sad smile and a sniffle before reaching his lips to meet mine. It is a tender kiss without the pressure of it leading to more, but I imagine there is an exchange of unspoken apologies, forgiveness, thanks, and empathy.

***

Later, when the full moon illuminated our bedchambers, Jefferies turn to face me in our bed.

"Are we going to be okay, my be-," he hesitates, not knowing whether it was in his best interest to use the endearing term.

I reach out and gently stroke his cheek. "We already are."

"Really? I surely thought I would have to fill our bed chamber with flowers."

A unladylike snort fills the room. "Of course not. All I truly wanted was a honest explanation. I know to others the fact there was someone before me you never spoke of would be a small thing since it is so commonplace. However, for me it meant the world a man waited until his wedding day to bed a woman."

Guilt creases at Jefferies' forehead. "I am sorry I took that away from you. I did mean what I said on our wedding night. You were the first and only woman in my bed that truly mattered. Yes, bedding Anne gave me Talia, who I already love with such a ferocity it scares me. However, it is you I wholeheartedly love, pure, true, and with no limits."

"Earl Jefferies Worthington of Derby, have I informed you recently how much I love your words?"

His boisterous laugh lifts the last bit of pressure from my chest. "Just now. And I shall inform you of this," he wraps his arms around my figure, "I am still going to fill this room with orchids, for you more than deserve them, my beautiful orchid."

My nose scrunches in slight discomfort. I know Jefferies can afford orchids enough to fill every space of our home a thousand times. I am not one for such expensive gifts. "My Lord-"

"However, I will have to settle at the present with voicing my many thanks. You were my greatest support these past months, with your care, your patience, and your kindness to not only me and our children, especially Talia. I know it could not have been easy."

I place my chin on my husband's chest to look up at him. "It was not. However, I would go through it again with the man and children I love."

"I love you too Persephone."

***

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