Despite Not Having Found a Mate, Local Man’s* Soul Fairly Well Satisfied with Life

Local man (not to be confused with ‘area man’, a licensed, copyrighted, and trademarked term of the The Onion and theonion.com) Eric Feeter’s soul was said to be fairly well satisfied with how things were going in general despite 30+ years of not having found a mate. Even though many souls are said to require a mate to achieve happiness Eris’s reportedly made peace with it’s own situation many years ago. Instead of finding joy and life satisfaction through a mate, Eric’s soul has obtained a similar level of fulfillment through a passion for collecting comic books and paraphernalia related to the 1980s television series CHiPS featuring Erik Estrada as officer Frank Pancherello.

New Study Finds 100% of Men Who Gender Identify Their Car Are Secretly Attracted to Their Own Gender

Groundbreaking Study Suggests Levels of Male Homosexuality are Much Higher Than Previous Estimates

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” said the studies lead author during an interview shortly after the work was published. He continued “Being gay I mean. There is definitely something wrong with bestowing a gender upon your car. Something very wrong. In fact I would suggest these men should seek psychological counseling immediately.” This new study was published only moments after another study was released showing that men misgender their car 35% of the time. The relationship between the two findings is not yet clear but researchers suspect there must be some link. The hope is that future work will elucidate the neurological mechanisms responsible for men’s irrational need to designate a gender for what is in fact a non-biological inanimate object.

Man’s Childhood Mom Fails to Live Up to Expectations of Current Wife

Not as Useful for Guilt Induced Chore Completion as Imagined

Local man Todd Steven’s wife Mary was reportedly very disappointed this week when she learned that the childhood mother of her husband of six years was not the do it all dynamo she had pictured in her head, but rather a slovenly, lazy, do nothing, alcoholic, who mostly sat at home and smoked cigarettes when she wasn’t busy bedding at least half the married men in the small town where he grew up.

“I was constantly berating Todd about all the things I do around the house (which he does not) which mostly involve picking up after him, cleaning his things, making sure we have food to eat, etc. by telling him I was not his mother, but I never realized his childhood mother never did any of those things for him either.” she said upon making the discovery. She continued, “In fact, apparently his mom made him pick up after himself and all of his six brothers and sisters as well as clean every room in the house each weekend, because she was too hungover from Friday nights carousing to even get out of bed. And as far as food goes, Todd was basically on his own. Sometimes she would bring home leftover chicken fingers from the bar, but beyond that it was every Stevens for himseslf or herself.” Despite learning the truth Mary had no plans to change her approach in getting Todd to pitch in more around the house.

“Listen, just because Todd’s mom spent more time on her back pleasuring the neighbor’s cheating husband then she did on her feet cleaning up after Todd doesn’t mean he gets a free pass when it comes to housework. I intend to continue the time tested, and proven successful method of comparing myself to a non-existent fantasy woman from my husbands childhood, and will continue to remind him that I am not her until he changes his ways.” Todd Stephens could not be reached for comment on this article as he was still asleep in his Lazy Boy recliner as of press time.