Deep Turquoise

It was always a fear in the back of my mind, what lurked in the deep blue, but it was a risk I was always willing to take. Surfing was never just a hobby I picked up when I moved out to Cali, never just something fun to do on the weekends. It was a lifeline. 

I always felt this inexplicable pull toward the ocean, since I was a little boy, even when I'd never seen it in person before. It was like a siren song, luring me out into the deep. Maybe it knew all along what I was going to find out here. Maybe it knew all along I would be in this exact spot at this exact moment, facing down something I never wanted to see this close up. 

I'd run off three years back, now. Packed up my car with whatever I could fit, told my roommate he could have the rest, and split. I don't think I even told my boss I was leaving. I just never showed back up. It's not something I'm particularly proud of, but I can say with all honesty it was exactly what I needed to do. If I'd stayed in that place, there wouldn't really be anything left of me. Just a hollow shell wearing my face. 

I was on 200mg of antidepressants when I hit the road back then and it didn't seem to be doing anything more than just barely holding my head above water. Granted, I'm still on 200mg of antidepressants, but I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore. I haven't in a long time. 

The ocean was good to me. She took me in when I didn't have a place to stay, when I was living out of my car and surviving off of junk food and bad sleep. She welcomed me when I desperately needed someone to hold me together but I'd left everyone I knew behind. She calmed my soul with sea salt and crystalline waters. 

Even now, thrown into the deep turquoise with a snapped leg rope and no sign of my board, with that sleek grey and white body barreling down on me with its rows upon rows of sharp teeth, I do not hate the ocean. She has needs too. 

This had always been a fear, tucked somewhere in the back of my mind, emitting a constant, low ringing so I could never forget it was there, but I could tune it out when I needed to. It had always been there. Had been. 

There was silence now. No low, incessant ringing. I couldn't even hear the distant rush of waves or the thudding of my heart. Just silence. 

Sharks were curious creatures. They explored the world with their mouths. I didn't want to give this one any additional reasons to be curious of me. And so I stayed still. 

I wish I'd taken a bigger breath when I realized my board was no longer beneath my feet and I was falling down the face of a massive wall of water. I'd misjudged the wave and now I was going to pay for it. 

Time slowed in that inexplicable way it always does when you're dreading something. I thought about how no one back home would know what had happened to me. Only my boyfriend, who must have noticed by now I went down and never came back up, would know. Maybe he was the only one who mattered anyway. 

A twitch ran through my body, sudden and sharp. It was the first sign I was running out of air. I had to decide if I'd rather drown or risk enticing the shark that was now circling me closely. My diaphragm contracted again and this time it was worse. 

It definitely caught the shark's attention. 

He nudged me gently in the ribs and it took everything in me to stay still. He shifted behind me. 

Another spasm. 

This time his nudge came from behind, at the backs of my thighs. I instinctively tucked my knees toward my chest. He nudged me again and this time I felt a rush of water from above as he pushed me toward the surface. 

Another. 

The shark's movements felt more urgent now and the force of the water was toppling me backward toward his fin. It caught me in the stomach, wedging right beneath my ribcage and knocking the air out of me. Before I even had time to panic, we were breaching the surface. 

The air rushing into my lungs had never tasted so exquisite before. The sun had never felt so comforting upon my skin. The sound of my boyfriend's voice was now etched into my mind as the single most beautiful thing in the entire world. Not that it hadn't been already, but I never appreciated it in the way I do now. 

The shark's body pulled away from mine as it descended back into the deep blue. Moments later I felt familiar arms wrapping around me as I was tugged onto my boyfriend's surfboard. He held me so tight to his chest I could feel the erratic flutter of his heartbeat and the way his chest hitched with silent sobs. 

"I thought you'd drown," he whispered. His voice was so watery it was as if he had swallowed an entire ocean. "I thought I'd lost you."

I didn't know what to say. I simply pressed myself further into him and waited for his breathing to return to normal. 

---

We didn't speak about it until we were warm and dry and cuddled safely in our bed. He accused me, with a smile, of being a madman and wrangling a shark to ride gracefully off into the sunset. I told him I'd done no such thing and suspect I did not at all look graceful sprawled unceremoniously over the back of a great white. He agreed. 

In all honesty, if someone had told me this story, I'd think they were full of shit. Sometimes I even think I myself am full of shit, or crazy, except that my boyfriend had been there too. He'd practically pulled me off the shark's back. 

I don't know what happened down there. I don't know if it was just a curious shark and a case of pure luck, or if the ocean was still looking out for me. I like to think it's the latter. Respect her and she'll respect you. That kind of thing. Though… Sometimes even that doesn't save you. Maybe it really was just luck. 

Maybe.