Dead Butterflies

I felt the bass guitar deep in my stomach. It killed the butterflies that arose when she looked at me.

On second thought, they weren’t dead. No, they were still there afterwards. They instead froze in time, as we did…and then, they multiplied.

***

The room was silently in awe. Bitter air in sweaty masses. Lights flashing. Bodies bouncing together to the beat that is suffocating me. Never could I command a crowd such as this one. Never would I want to.

And through this overwhelming sea, she could tell…I was suffocating. Bit by bit. Note by note.

She looked at me again. For the second time, as I hoped she would. Our eyes locked among hundreds of thousands.

She could tell I was thinking. That my mind was racing.

I knew she knew…because I could read her face from miles away. How lovely it is, to have all your thoughts visible without so much as a breath. To know what she may need without an ask.

***

But this kind of suffocation was the good kind…believe me, I never thought there could be such a thing.

It was the unbearable yet sublime weight of me realizing that this is it. That she’s it for me.

***

This time when she continued playing, she didn’t look down. She always looks down at this moment. She has it down to a science, to muscle memory. She sinks into the lyrics that allow her to recoil, to internalize the words privately while in front of a mob of cameras.

Well this time, she kept looking at me.

And I knew, she felt this too.

This is it for us.

***

The night went on, as time unfortunately cannot be broken, while I stand in a million pieces. Glittering and scary fragments of who I thought I once was.

The pounding in my stomach has moved up to my heart in an uncontrollable rush. Dizzying almost.

Never have I ever felt such strong feelings. Such good strong feelings.

It took through the end of her set to collect all these racing thoughts, which I recognize were very good thoughts; the best of thoughts. All of which I needed to put into words.

I had gathered the giant mess inside my brain and planned exactly what it was that I wanted to say. How much she means to me, how much she will always mean to me, and that nothing will ever be the same because of it. That I’m ready for this change. That I’m finally ready to let someone in. To let her in.

***

When I saw her, this time without space between us, I took it all in. Her bangs were slick to her forehead with sweat. I could tell adrenaline was still pumping through her veins in the way that her fingers twitched. And the biggest smile across her face. I really like people who have big smiles.

I was ready to bear my soul and lay it all on the table. But when I opened my mouth, nothing would come out. Not because I didn’t want to say it. But because no phrase could ever be grand enough to describe it all.

She knew.

She nodded, pulled me in, held me in her arms, and that was it. That was the beginning of our forever.