Crumpet and Lemonade

*Disclaimer: This story is super not unique. Sometimes I try to give you a story that is totally cool, and other times I'm just like, "Why even try?" This is one of those "Why even try" stories. It's totally not cool. Or different. Or unique. It's literally just me making fun of other people. Which is what satire is. And it's really fun. :)

Once upon a time, there lived a handsome prince. His name was Crumpet. There also lived a beautiful maiden named Adelaide. In this far away land of Nowhere in Particular, Adelaide is just another way of referring to a refreshing drink. So everyone called her Lemonade.

One day, Crumpet was riding along on his royal (and very ugly) steed, when he saw Lemonade in the doorway of her house. He was instantly entranced by her beauty and wished to marry her. So he asked around the village about her. Everyone gave a good report, saying she was kind and gentle. But the prince didn’t care about all those things.All he wanted was to marry this beautiful woman.

But as often happens, Crumpet became so concerned with the cares of arranging a Bermuda vacation cruise for himself and his parents that he totally forgot about the woman who had stolen his heart and prevented him from eating or sleeping.

But none of that mattered anyway, because while Crumpet was on his vacation, word got around to Lemonade’s evil step mother and step sisters that the prince was madly in love with Lemonade. Envy overcame the evil woman, so she locked Lemonade in a secret tower in the middle of nowhere and made her work like a slave.

However, the evil step mother suspected that after a little while, someone would come searching for her beautiful step daughter. So using a spell she disguised herself as a dragon and guarded the tower day and night.

When the prince came back home from his vacation, he remembered (in a moment of boredom) the girl that had stolen his heart, and resolved to search for her. But nobody in the village seemed to know where she was. She had just sort of vanished one day, they said, and had never been seen since.

“Alas!” Crumpet cried. “I knew she would be gone when I got back! I should have married her when I saw her before!”

It’s only fair to mention that Lemonade had no idea Crumpet even existed. It took her completely by surprise when her evil step mother ran into her room, grabbed her by the hair, and dragged her miles away to a forsaken tower.

But for years, she stayed there and worked her fingers to the bone, wishing on the stars at night that a handsome lover would come to her rescue. Or even an ugly one. I mean, at this point she’s too desperate and confused to be picky.

Meanwhile, the good king died, and the good prince Crumpet became king. But, in all the hustle and bustle of becoming king, he had never forgotten the love of his life that he had never met. Through an anonymous tip, he had learned that Lemonade was not married, and that piece of information encouraged the prince every time he thought of it. Crumpet vowed that one day he would find her. However, since he hadn’t the slightest idea where to look, it took a very… very… very long time.

He gathered search parties, and searched for months, but could not find her. One day, when he was separated from the search party, it started to rain. He sought refuge in a cave with his horse, and discovered that it led to a cavern, which in turn led to a larger cavern, which led to a valley, in which was a tower. Crumpet, being naturally curious, started to descend into the valley that led to the tower, then stopped when he saw a huge, black dragon guarding the tower. (The dragon, of course, did not see him, being on the opposite side of the tower.)

Now, contrary to popular belief, knights didn’t go off on purpose to kill dragons that they have nothing against for absolutely no reason. And even though Crumpet was a king, he didn’t either. He was about to begin retreating towards the cave mouth saying, “Pardon me, didn’t mean to intrude, have a wonderful evening,” when he saw a lovely figure in the window of the tower.

Could it be?

Yes, it was Lemonade.

And suddenly, Crumpet had a good reason to fight the dragon.

He drew his sword, which was a completely stupid thing to do, because if he had given his attack any forethought at all, he would have tried to get behind the dragon and make a nice, easy kill. But our beloved Crumpet was a forgetful, stupid idiot. So he drew his sword and started shouting insults at the dragon.

Even if the dragon wasn’t an evil stepmother in disguise, it would’ve been insulted by the terrible things that Crumpet said about it. As it was, however, an evil stepmother in disguise, the dragon was infuriated, and rushed towards Crumpet to kill him.

But the dragon made a stupid mistake (which I won’t tell you about) and the fight only lasted a few minutes.

When the dragon was dead, Crumpet rushed to the foot of the tower, gazing up at his love.

“Oh, my beautiful Lemonade! Come to me!” cried Crumpet. But alas, she had become so desperate and afraid that she took him completely literally and leaped out the window, falling to her death eighty feet below.

Crumpet rushed to her side and kissed her cheeks, sobbing pitifully. His true love was lost to him forever. But true love always prevails! A few moments after Crumpet had cried all over her face, Lemonade woke up...from her… dead… and said, “Thou hast broken the spell! I could only be freed from mine imprisonment if the great dragon who was my stepmother be slain by my true love!” She looked at Crumpet, a little doubtfully. “Art thou my true love?”

He shrugged. “I suppose ‘tis what I am,” he answered.

“Must we marry?”

“‘Tis how it’s supposed to work!”

So they got married and lived happily ever after until they had financial problems. (That’s always when stuff happens.) There was a revolt against the kingdom, the armies mutinied, their enemies grew strong, and the entire kingdom was totally destroyed. The usurpers started oppressing the peasants, and everybody’s lives were miserable. But nobody ever hears about the happily ever after. You’re just supposed to fill in the blanks with happy unicorns and kittens. But it doesn’t actually work that way… ever.

So the next time someone says, “Those two go together like peanut butter and chocolate” or something like that, always remember to reply (In Shakespearean English), “Nay, my friend, I believe they go together as… as… Crumpet and Lemonade.”

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