Crumbling Love

It looms in the distance, more of an eyesore than anything useful. I barely notice it anymore. The once red barn is now grey, the rotten wood exposing gaps in the structure. For my entire life, I've been told the place is unsafe. It's forbidden, though many other things fall into the category. My family is overly protective and overly religious. From a young age, I knew of the sins of the flesh, knew of things that would cast my soul into eternal damnation. Now, I'm not so confident of it all.

The view from my bedroom window hasn't changed, the empty field leading directly to the barn. It is the one constant, the one looming reminder of what isn't allowed. A sigh escapes me. For years I have longed to explore the place, but something always stops me at the end. Most likely, it is the fear of the punishment, though there is an underlying fear of the place caving in. I know it is forbidden for a reason, but that doesn't stop the urge to disobey. Once more, I find myself staring out across the field, thinking about the potential the barn holds.

I am startled from my thoughts by my phone's vibration, the buzzing against my thigh surprising me. With fumbling fingers, I search my pocket, finally closing in on the buzzing device. "Hello?" I ask into the phone, trying to mask the uncertainty in my voice.

"What are you up to?" Jeremiah's voice rings out, his deep vibrato a comfort to me. He is my secret. Immediately, I can feel the blush creep through me, the heat rising to my cheeks.

"Nothing," I almost whisper. I need to protect this, keep this secret to myself. My family would never approve or understand. It would be another forbidden thing.

I hear the silence on the other end, an expectation for more. I have nothing to offer. Uncertainty takes over, causing me to doubt everything about myself. I am still unsure what Jeremiah sees in me, but I know not to look a gift horse in the mouth. "Well, can we meet up somewhere?" I expected the question, but it doesn't stop the pounding in my heart. This is what I have longed for, but now that it has been broadcast, I can't shake the uneasiness that comes with it.

"I want to, but my parents."

"What are they gonna do? You're an adult. There isn't much they can do to you now."

It was true. I was eighteen as of a few days before. However, I was still living under my parents' roof. If they even knew I was having this conversation, I would be evicted. I knew that as well as he did. "You know what would happen if we were caught. I'd be homeless."

There was a long silence, so long I was afraid he hung up. I was just about to clear my throat when he spoke. "I know, but I want to see you. No, I need to see you." His words filled me with an energy I've never experienced before. At that moment, I want to break every rule I've ever known. I want him.

"Meet me at the barn in half an hour," I whisper the words, barely believing I have said them. This goes against everything I have ever known, but I am beyond caring. Lust is the only thing on my mind, clouding my brain. I can hear my heartbeat, the thudding canceling out every other thought or feeling. No longer do I care about what the consequences are for my behavior. I can't with him consuming every thought.

"Okay." The sound of the phone disconnecting is enough for me. Quietly I slip downstairs, sneak past the kitchen where my parents are sitting, deep in their own conversations. They don't notice me, which I can't help but be thankful for. What I am doing is wrong, but I can't help it. I need him in a way I haven't needed anyone before. I need him like the oxygen I breathe.

Before I know it, I am out to the barn, prying open the off-kilter door. I'm early, but I also live on the property. Jeremiah doesn't live far, but it will take him to walk the field on the backside of the property, stay out of sight of the large windows of my family home. Inside is dark, save for the slits of light coming from the rotted boards. The musty smell is overwhelming, a rotting in the air that makes me want to gag. For a split second, I question if I have made the right call, but then I hear the door open again, smell the cologne I have come too long for.

"Hi." His words are brief, but they fill me with such comfort. I have never felt this way before, and it takes everything in me not to rush him. "I wasn't sure you would show." His admittance hurts, but I can't fault him. In truth, I wasn't sure I would either, knowing it is a leap for me.

"What can I say? You bring out the dangerous side of me." I'm trying to flirt, but it's not comfortable. I don't have enough experience to be. I can feel the heat rise in me, overwhelming my senses. He steps closer, pulling me to him, breathes in my scent. I try and not tense, the unfamiliar contact feeling both good and wrong. He murmurs sweet nothings in my ear, trying to get me to relax, but I can't. He is too much, the attraction too strong.

Without thinking, I try and pull back, try and create some distance between us. I need it. I need to breathe again, not to be overwhelmed by Jer's presence. "Wait," the word is out of my mouth before I can stop it. I don't really want this to stop, but the uncertainty of it all scares me. I feel Jeremiah pull away, and I want to cry. This is all too much.

"Katie, I thought you wanted this? I thought you wanted me?" I hear the questions in his words, and I can't keep the tears from falling. This is all so foreign. Within moments I am struggling to catch my breath, to fight the panic rising in my chest. I can feel the tension in the barn, the stifling oppression of rot and grief.

I shake my head, trying to impart everything I am feeling in the one motion and the look in my eyes. There aren't enough words in the dictionary to describe what I am feeling. He nods once before heading back out of the barn, leaving me with the rotting wood and my own rotting heart. I have ruined my first chance at love. Like the barn, I am left alone, crumbling with my own rejection.