Christmas Karma

“What did you say sweetheart?” the mother reluctantly whispered. She stares deep into her eyes “You have to remember silly, remember? You said I was so ugly and deserved better; then you dropped me off the bridge. I remember the snow and the impact of water below.” Her legs begin to tremble and then she smiles “Don’t worry mommy, I still chose you to be my mommy this time and asked the Gods to forgive you; and make me pretty so I won’t die again.” The daughter can see her mother’s dragon breathe in short clips as a visual panic attack, “mommy?”. The mother slumps over her daughter’s head and begins to hold it tight. “Mommy, you’re holding me tight”. The mother begins to scan the forest by the bridge to see if her husband is within sight. Morana struggles to get herself from her mother’s grip. The mother continues to hug her tighter and tighter; as she coughs over the sound. Morana begins to muffle “I can’t breathe” but her mother does not let go; Morana begins to flail her body around trying to gasp for air. A crunch in the snow in the distance loosens the mother’s grip and Morana falls to the floor gasping. “Mommy, if you do it again they’ll come for you and this time I won’t choose to save you.” Loralei hears in the distance Conary’s voice “Hon, where are you guys?” Morana sees the panic in Loralei’s face and realizes something “He never knew what happened to me the first time does he?” Loralei takes a step back and leaves Morana smiling at her with her back to Conary’s direction. Loralei is trying to catch her breathe from the cold but she’s been struggling with breathing the last few months.

Conary catches up “How are my beautiful ladies?”, silence answers his question and gives him goosebumps. Morana grabs her father’s hand “Daddy, mommy was just about to show me the bridge drop off?” Loralei is speechless and feels exposed; no one knew what she did. Conary kisses Morana’s forehead, “Well let’s make sure we are really careful here. You were supposed to have a brother but unfortunately he fell into the river below; and daddy can’t have anything happen to you.” Conary embraces Morana that empowers her and weakens Loralei. “I know daddy, mommy and me were just talking about it and how you cried at Christmas because you didn’t have your son with you. Did mommy grieve, daddy?” Conary hugs Morana tightly “Of course, mommy grieved differently from daddy but it doesn’t matter anymore because i have you now and it’s another fantastic Christmas with the best girl i know.” Morana adds “and the only honest one you know too daddy”. Conary pauses at Morana’s comment but starts to laugh at what his daughter said. Conary and Morana begin to walk ahead Loralei and then looks back “Come on!” Loralei begins to straggle behind them but staring wildly at Morana.

The family makes it across the bridge. The snow and cuddles the river below and sea smoke rises from it as a thick fog. Loralei is silent for the walk home and Conary notices her distancing herself but assumes it is the memory of their son Amara. They arrive to cabin where Conary says “Hey hon, I know you’re deep in thought of Amara so I’m going to run you a bath just stop the water while I cook, eh?”. Loralei does not reply but leaves her snow boots at the door; and treks up the stairs to the master bedroom. Morana tells her father “Daddy, I want to help in the kitchen I cook better!” Conary laughs “You’re an amazing chef! And I need all of the help the Gods can give me.” Morana looks at her mother slowly walking up the stairs and says “Don’t worry daddy, the Gods actually like you” then giggles. Loralei stops in her tracks for a second and then continues to walk upstairs.

From upstairs Loralei can hear Morana and her husband laughing and cooking in the kitchen. She allows the hot bath to ease her cold skin and aching muscles. As the last bit of bath water drains she quietly walks down to the kitchen. At the table Conary is pushing a supportive smile and Morana is smiling big; but it is different this time. “Give me a second.” Loralei steps into the living room trying to gather her thoughts. Conary whispers to Morana, “honey, let me talk to mommy but go set up the plates please” and kisses her forehead; Morana agrees happily. Conary follows behind Loralei and holds her from behind. He breathes deeply as he brings her body closer to his. The stand together in the living room and Loralei says “What did Amara say to you today?”. Conary sighs “Lora, Amara is gone. It was an accident and no one can blame you but we have this beautiful daughter now”. Loralei answers “I thought our son was so ugly that he could not truly be ours”. “Lora stop! I will not hear those kinds of things about our son, please come into the kitchen and eat; and then we can put Morana to bed and whatever you need I will be there for you.”

They walk into the kitchen to see their plates prepared and a happy Morana at her seat waiting patiently. The family begins to eat in silence and when they’ve finished Morana hops up “Daddy let me do the dishes!” Conary agrees and motions for Loralei to follow him. Conary lays Loralei down and begins to finger comb through her hair while down the hall he can hear Morana putting herself to bed. Conary is praying this will not affect his Lora so deeply. The following morning Loralei is not feeling so good but Conary has to go to work.

Loralei tries to make a cup of coffee but the opened empty can from yesterday is full again; she’s hoping the coffee will ease her nausea and pump her blood. The brewed coffee warms her chest but does not ease her pain. As she sits in the kitchen, the more coffee she drinks the heavier her breathing gets; she’s coughing harder than usual. She begins to doze off until she hears Morana walk into the kitchen; Loralei tries to get up quickly but feels dizzy. She does not say a word to Morana silently watching her but grabs for her cigarettes to head outside. Morana says “You shouldn’t smoke so much, what’s in there can kill you and you’ve been coughing so much mommy; I love you so much”. Loralei shuffles out of her door in her robe and stands on the porch in the cold and all she fears is facing her daughter, her once then son who was too ugly for her selfish ways to keep alive. As Loralei blows smoke rings she looks at her robe with a white powder hand mark. Slowly she starts to wipe down her robe only to realize the remnants are coming from her hand; when she glances at her cigarettes she realizes white powder is sprinkled in her cigarette case.

Morana opens the door “Mommy, didn’t the doctor say you should stop”. Loralei looks back at her “Is this punishment? Who told you about that funny lie about me?”. Morana stops smiling at her mother “I was wrapped in a red Christmas blanket my grandmother made me. I could barely walk. You wore all white. You sat me on the bridge’s edge and looked at me. I smiled at you and said I love you mommy and you said I can never mother something so hideous; then you hung me over with disgust. Who else but me and the Gods would know?”. Loralei’s dragon breathe stops and her body is trying to force her to breathe again. Loralei manages to stutter “Ma..ma…mommy loved you…” “Not enough to keep me, I only wanted you to love me.” Loralei’s face streams steadily in tears steaming from her face. “What happens now?”. Morana looks down then back up “I am with you for all eternity you repeat and because you tried to smother me yesterday I was paid a visit.” “By who?” Loralei demands. “You’ll know soon enough…” Silence echoes between them in the silent snow fall. Loralei continues to smoke the cigarette as she stares at the child she no longer loves.

Morana looks at her cigarette and says “Mommy, I am only young in this life at the moment but you have always killed me in every lifetime we have together. You never learn. You’re always selfish and you have always gotten away with it. I am with you because you are supposed to learn but you don’t. So this time, it was only perfect to see how to change the outcome this time” Loralei realizes what her daughter is saying and smugly asks “Are you going to drop me off the bridge? You’re too small!”. Morana replies “Oh yes I am small now but did you know where daddy works silica dust is accessible?”. Loralei is confused and not following her reply “what does daddy have to do with anything?”. Morana replies carefully in a soft but hollowed voice “You never noticed how your coughing increases? Or when you cough you spit up liquid? Sometimes blue on your body?…” Loralei interrupts her angrily “DID YOU POISON YOUR MOTHER!!?” Morana “Mother I did not poison you the way you would toss me from a bridge; I tell you every day you should quit smoking.” Morana walks away from her mother and leaves her in the cold pulling her cigarette slowly from her mouth. She watches Morana sit by the Christmas tree and she looks like she is talking to someone and pointing back at Loralei; while she begins to have flashbacks of all of the doctor visits, the medication and how her lungs have been worsening over the years. She simply could not put the cigarette down. Loralei looks up to see Morana staring back at her from the window and Loralei begins to check out of reality. Morana watches an empty stare fall over her mother’s face as she begins to walk out into the cold snow in her robe.

Hours go by and a devastated Conary walks in; Morana breaks into tears over the news as Conary consoles her. Conary whispers to Morana, “I’m sorry honey, I guess mommy wanted to be Amara; so from now on it will be me and you.” Morana whispers under her breathe “She can’t be with Amara because they are already here”. Conary asks “What did you say hon?”. Morana tears up and speaks louder “Don’t worry daddy, someday i know i will see mommy again.”