Chocolate By Death

Death took a shortcut through the shopping mall. He tended not to linger – when he did, shops closed, businesses went bankrupt, trees died and so on – and most people, not noticing Death until he was looking them in the face, just felt a chill down the spine and a portent of their own mortality.

However, it was only because of the shortcut that Death happened to see the colossal promotion in the window of the ‘Chocolate Palazzo’ shop: Blazoned across the frontage in huge gold and red letters, it read ‘Ultimate Death By Chocolate’.

Death didn’t stop – he had an appointment and prided himself on never being late – but he did take note as he passed by.

Death was slightly miffed – it was a professional pride thing – but got on with having his best day, which was mainly about other people having their last day.

-0-

The Universe didn’t interfere too much in Death’s modus operandi. There was a sort of unspoken agreement – you deliver n deaths per day (quota must be met), and in return, we will allow you some leeway in how you go about it. Over the millennia, Death had had a few, shall we say, more creative days – Pompeii and Vesuvius came to mind (met a whole week’s target in 4 hours, there): And the ‘parting (for 30 minutes) of the Red Sea’ and so on. But however he brought it about, it was he who was the rainmaker, and he wasn’t fond of people, as it were, stealing his thunder.

There had been an occasion, a few years back, where a British company had started marketing their cigarettes as ‘Death’ – in black boxes, complete with skull and crossbones, the whole shebang. They also produced a low-tar version, which they marketed as ‘Slow Death’ – and even Death found that slightly witty; overall, Death was less than impressed with people who took credit for his work. Yes, it may well be true that smoking cigarettes could put you at death’s door – well, Death’s door – but it was Death who conducted you through. Death ensured that the cigarette business went into a terminal decline.

Death was aware, of course, of the variety of claims made taking his name in vain, and he primarily rose above them. ‘See Paris and die’ had ticked him off at one point, but 27.300 cases of the Parisian Black Death had left Death feeling vindicated. The author of ’21 Things To Do Before You Die’ had sadly suffered a freak accident, where he had been buried under a fatal quantity of copies of his own book whilst on his way to undertake Number 17 (Bungee Jumping). Death had a weakness for irony, and several newspapers noted that the successful author had not managed to complete his own list. For the author, no undertaking but he needed an undertaker.

-0-

The morning after seeing the ‘Ultimate Death By Chocolate’ sign, there was a quiet spell. Death had had a productive 20 minutes in the local hospital, putting him briefly ahead of target. Passing once more through the shuttered mall, Death caused the signage and displays to change in ‘Chocolate Palazzo’. The banner now read ‘Ultimate Chocolate By Death’. Inside the shop, the display of chocolate-coated sugared Bezel-nut beetles had gone (they had been a poor seller anyhow, to be honest). In their place was a gorgeous, although very black, display of boxes marked ‘Chocolate By Death’.

The boxes were black, and the lettering was black, but somehow, blacker, so it was still visible. The advertising tag line said, ‘After you eat a piece of this chocolate cake, you’ll never eat another’, a claim Death was happy to stand behind. He also nodded to the woman who told her friend, “These are the last things I need to buy for my mother”.

Death is, of course, omnipresent, and so was able to listen in as the holiday crowds completed their shopping. Death agreed as one woman said, “These are to die for”.

Over the holidays, 726 people died from apparent food poisoning. The resultant terrible publicity destroyed the Palazzo brand and the company closed. Death got slightly ahead of himself and took 20 minutes out to enjoy a soy latte.

-0-

Three weeks later and the erstwhile Chief Exec of Chocolate Palazzo, her Head of Marketing, the VP Distribution and their IP lawyer were all in a car. They were heading to the Bristol Business Hub for an insolvency meeting when the overhead signage gantry collapsed, hitting the vehicles driving past below. Their vehicle was hit and crushed when the ‘HUB’ sign hit them, and the RIS part of ‘BRISTOL’ went straight through the windscreen. Sadly, they were all killed by HUB and RIS.