Chasing My Mistakes

Today I'm in a strange mood, feeling like my mistakes have become a song and I'm dancing with them.

Are my perceptions deceiving me, or is there a voice whispering something to me from within?

Since the first light of morning, there's been a word echoing constantly in my ear: Mistake.

This morning, as I left home and headed to work, I started my day by listening to Athena's adaptation of "My Way," called "Kendi Yolumda" (On My Own Way)

I adore the lyrics

'I have my beautiful mistakes.'

The melody seemed to be calling out to me: 'Yours are beautiful too. Even the ones you hate the most :)'

My dreams are complex nowadays, perhaps they are the source of my emotions.

Last night, I dreamt that I was waiting for someone.

She didn't come, but I didn't call her, I didn't even look around to find her. I just waited still.

In the end, I found her in an unexpected place; as I walked home, she was chatting with someone else and had completely forgotten that I was waiting her.

Was it a mistake not to call her? Maybe she would have remembered and come.

Actually, maybe I didn't want to meet her either, after all those years apart. Yet, it was so good to sit alone and watch the quiet street.

I didn't feel sad in my dream.

I didn't get tired of waiting, so it seemed like there was no problem.

But still, it felt like there was a mistake.

Did I make the mistake, or was it the hers?

Wasn't everything my fault?

After all, it was me who couldn't meet up! So it must have been my fault.

Who couldn't I meet up with, myself? She also couldn't meet up, right?

I waited, she didn't come, didn't even let me know that she won't come, even made other plans.

But it was my responsibility to meet up.

But why?

Was it a mistake not to call her? I could have given up waiting earlier instead of sitting until midnight at that café.

Yes, the mistake was mine, not fulfilling the meeting responsibility, it was "the waiting" that was my mistake.

Actually, most of my mistakes are not against others, but against myself, as I realized.

But it was nice to wait, I didn't get bored at all. What mistakes would I have made if she had come? Maybe she would have been bored.

Thank goodness she didn't come,

and thank goodness

I have my beautiful mistakes.