Chapter 1 - March 8, 2012

CHAPTER 1

March 10th, 2012

Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say. No one heard the muffled screams inside of me.

On March 8th, 2012, my best friend died of COPD. The next ten years would be misery as you would have it. I would go through emotional torture and abuse for nearly a decade. All of which no one would ever realise I went through. All except for one who witnessed it all and never once helped me.

Funny thing is about everything, my abuser encouraged me to write a memoir of my life.

I recall the memories of my darkness the past almost ten years.

I will be writing this memoir as if it all happened again.

***

On March 10, 2012, Uncle Kenneth, his new wife, and daughter Lori stayed with us over the weekend. As everyone gathered around the table sharing stories and eating, I wasn't able to eat. I stared into space thinking how could this just happen.

Everyone always leaves. God takes everyone I love away from me.

But in truth it wasn’t God it was just the fact she was sick.

Everyone was acting like it was just a normal day when it was so devastating.

I think that was the sign of when I developed anorexia, truth is I didn’t know what I would do. I just wanted to die to be with her. I think it was at that moment when he saw me as his future target for the next ten years.

After we left for the funeral, I dreaded this moment because I just didn’t want to go. If I had my drivers licenses I would have sped away never looking back. It wasn’t that simple for me. You see I had nothing, I didn’t work, I never had the encouragement to work, I never had my license to drive.

It was traumatizing for me, to see everyone there it was a huge spectacle. My ex-fiancé was there sitting behind me.

I recall seeing my mom, step dad, and sister enter the funeral viewing room feeling that instant relief.

Okay, maybe this won’t be so bad. She would ease me. Help me feel better. Would she even notice me? Or hug me. Tell me everything will be okay when in fact it will never be okay again.

If only that were the case. I never once got such ease, or comfort.

I could feel her though, Mommow watching me feeling her heartbreak. Which made me feel even more devastation.

Mommow: Emily if anything happens to me I don’t want your Mom there.

Me: Why Mommow?

Mommow: Because of the way she treated you all her life, she is no daughter of mine.

Poppow couldn’t respect that, he just couldn’t respect that. He had to reach out to her.

There was a part of me who wanted to say to him what were you thinking inviting her, you know what Mommow wanted. But the other part of me just was too afraid to say anything.

I was afraid of him for a very long time.

So, like the little girl within me I saw my mom walking up to her and I hugged her. I wanted her approval on everything, including how I’m dealing with this loss.

After we parted ways, I felt that foreboding of wanting my Mommy. Something that I will never have for the years to come.

After the funeral, we arrived back home and my mind raced thinking what now.

There is a misconception of the grieving process when it’s someone you truly love more than anything in this world. The grieving process may vary.

But I didn’t have that luxury to grieve the loss of my best friend.

Poppow: How about pizza tonight?

Me: Sure.

I can’t even think about food right now but okay.

Later that evening in bed, I could hear a dog crying out. My first instinct was to run to him and I did. Berkley, my Mommow’s dog, knew the death happened. I walk fast up to him picking him.

It was in that moment that I knew my old world changed forever, and a nightmarish world would soon replace it.