Caroline Rose and the City of Angels

I couldn’t believe how badly my week had ended up. First, I had died, and then I had a less than successful experience ‘going into the light,’ and now I wasn’t even a proper ghost. I’m not sure this week could get any worse, but anything was possible.

As the familiar church came into view, I couldn’t help but think about my last day alive. I was sure that very few people woke up thinking, “I’m going to die today”… to them it must have seemed like an ordinary day, until the moment it happened. At least that was the case for me.

It had to be like the moment you drop your smartphone and the screen cracks. There’s the moment before you drop the phone, which is complete bliss compared to the aftermath of wreckage that is left just a few seconds after the untimely moment of destruction that you had absolutely no idea was coming. If only you had been faster, more careful, or just stayed in bed that day to prevent it all from happening. Not that it would have helped in my case. Regardless, the before and after moments become clearly defined, and one thing is certain: nothing will ever be the same again. Only instead of a smartphone, it’s your life... I walked gloomily past the stoned pavement that led to the church doors. Invisible to the world.

Why this had to happen to me? I was only 13 years old. I had my whole life ahead of me. There were so many things I still had left to do. I wanted to be a veterinarian and save animals. I wanted to make a difference in the community and change someone’s life for the better. I also wanted to see the world.

I looked around at all the mourning guests sitting in the pews of the small church as the funeral began and slowly made my way towards the lifeless body lying in the casket at the front of the room.

I could barely recognize my human form. For a moment, I wondered if that was really even me. Her cheeks were dusted pink with a fine powder that provided the only color to her otherwise pale face. Her dirty blonde hair, that was always put up, now cascaded past her shoulders in small waves, and she wore a simple pink dress that completely clashed with the velvet that lined the casket.

I felt like I was looking down at a stranger.

A strong solemn voice pulled my focus back to the church.

The pastor began, “Caroline Rose was an amazing, ambitious young woman, and aspiring student. She was loved by all that knew her. She is survived by her mother, Elizabeth Rose and sister Evie Rose... Losing a child is one of the hardest things in the world. We never know why He does these things, but we know it must all be for some divine plan, bigger than we can ever imagine. It brings the family great peace knowing that she is now in heaven with her father…”

I stopped listening and wondered if this was all really part of some divine plan. I sincerely doubted that. If there was a plan, then it definitely needed to be re-looked at... I wondered if there was some kind of approval process in place? Mistakes had clearly been made. Instead of going to heaven to be with my father, I am left completely alone, nothing more than a ghostly shadow left from my previous life. No one could see or hear me.

Every meaning I had in my waking life had been stripped away. Am I left to haunt houses and scare children for the rest of eternity? Maybe I just needed to be a ghost longer and would feel the importance. Perhaps I might even learn to enjoy it. After all, it didn’t seem like I had any other choice in the matter.

I wondered how long eternity could really be as I climbed in to join my lifeless body in the casket and tried vigorously to reattach myself to my human form one last time. Maybe if I tried hard enough, I could connect, put my spirit back where it belonged and open my human eyes. I could tell my family I’m still here with them, or at the very least, have another go at going into the light again. Anything had to be better than this.

As I laid down in the wooden casket and overlapped my human form, I couldn’t help but reflect on the events that led me to this moment. Exactly three days ago, I had fallen into a deep sleep soon after coming home from school. When I lifted my eyes, I felt disoriented. Like the time I got my wisdom teeth taken out. Flames were everywhere. I remembered the ongoing struggle to cough. Ash covered my clothes. I couldn’t breathe. I could feel the smoke that consumed my lungs. Everything eventually went dark. I could only hear what was going on around me.

Someone lifted me up and carried me out of the house. When the paramedics arrived, I could only listen to their frantic shouting as they tried to save me. “I don’t think she’s going to make it,” a man’s voice said as he hurriedly attached an oxygen mask to my face and continued to monitor my vitals as we sped through the city. The noise from the storm that had just blown in- much too late, pelleted on the roof of the speeding vehicle. After the ambulance arrived at the hospital, the intake nurses wheeled the stretcher directly to the Intensive Care Unit. “She’s going into cardiac arrest!” the doctor shouted a few minutes later, as he grabbed the Automated External Defibrillator and turned it on. He hurriedly shoved the two thin paddles on my chest and yelled, “clear!” trying to get my heart going again. I wasn’t able to feel the waves of electricity that rushed through my body. I only remembered seeing a radiating bright light. It was just like the one that is often mentioned in movies and books when someone dies. I reassured myself that everything was going to be fine and to go into the light… as I got closer, the light got bigger and brighter, and covered me with its warmth. When I finally reached the light, it kept me in the peaceful center for a few moments and then spit me out on the other end. No words. No explanation at all.

Was I not good enough to find peace? I made all A’s in school, I had never stolen anything, I volunteered at the local animal shelter almost every Sunday, and one time I stood up to a bully that was picking on a girl in my class because of her stutter… did that all not count for something?

I gave up trying to connect myself to my human form in the casket. It was no use. This was my life now. I carried my depressed ghost-self to the front row to sit over by my family and friends, all draped in black.

I looked at my mother’s red puffy eyes that stared down at my sister. Evie sat quietly. Her tiny hands gripped her stuffed purple rabbit. She was too young to understand what happened, but old enough to know it wasn’t time to play.

Behind my mother were my aunts and uncles. My eyes went to Aunt Loraine. We had so much in common, but most of all, she reminded me so much of my father. They both loved to paint and read books. When I was younger, I would spend hours with her, reading and sipping on tea in her tiny kitchen. Stacks of books overflowed on the bookcase and tables at her house. Some pages were folded over or highlighted with notes in the margins. Aunt Loraine loved books so much that she became a librarian and would often say that “each book was a new opportunity to see the world.” Looking back on that moment now, I guess she was right. That was probably my only chance to leave Los Angeles. Alive anyway.

I felt a deep sadness in knowing I could never open another book again. As a ghost, I wasn’t able to open, hold, carry, or anything else, for that matter. My fingers would slip right through any and every object I’d tried to touch.

I was interrupted from my thoughts as the pastor made the closing remarks and everyone walked to the gravesite. I walked beside my mom and sister and soon realized how dangerously close I had been to breaking into tears.

A short time later, the sound of metal clinking filled the air as the casket was slowly lowered inch by inch into the ground. Each inch the casket fell made me feel more and more out of place and alienated from my surroundings.

Finally, after giving a small jolt in the wires, the casket reached the bottom and sat upon the sand and dirt. A shadow cast over the six-foot hole.

For a moment, a small sliver of light beamed on the wood as the sun fell among the trees. The last light it will ever see before being swallowed by the darkness.

“My baby! My Caroline!” My mother howled and fell to her knees. She held Evie more tightly in her arms, as if afraid she would disappear from her too. My Aunt Loraine moved to help console her.

I tried to hug my mother and tried my best to bring her some kind of comfort, but my fingers slipped through. I couldn’t ignore the helplessness that grew in my heart. There wasn’t anything I could say or do to make this okay. Seeing my mother in tears was a rare moment.

I watched the scene before me as if I was nothing more than a fly on the wall. I would have given anything just to tell my family that I was right there, and that I wasn’t gone.

I turned away. I couldn’t bear to watch anymore. It was like my entire world was quickly unraveling. It suddenly felt all too much, too fast. I ran to the farthest corner of the cemetery to sit beneath the pear trees and away from everyone. This corner of the cemetery seemed to seep with life and energy, even though I was surrounded by so much sadness around me. Each gravestone felt like another welcome mat to add to the collection of sorrow in death’s garden. Each one represented someone that was loved. Someone whose life was stolen from others, simply to be replaced with a stone.

I gently pulled a glowing pear that dangled from the tree and took a bite.

Suddenly, I wasn’t in the cemetery anymore. I wasn’t invisible.

I looked around; I was in some kind of ancient city that was full of angels. Angels were everywhere, walking to and from shops. Their wings shined like clouds.

“Excuse me, are you Caroline?” an angel stopped beside me.

“Yes.”

“Great, I’ve been waiting for you here, in this very spot, for three days. You’ve been asked to join an elite group of Guardian Angels. We save others in the human world. Here is your paperwork.”

“Save others? What happens if I fail?”

“You’ll learn soon. If you fail, then the human world will suffer a significant loss. The people that we are to save are meant to help to further change humanity in some positive way. It could be a breakthrough in medicine, a teacher that will affect the lives of thousands of students, or even just someone that helps spread the message of hope. It’s like our saves are the stones that cause ripples of good to develop in the human world.”

I knew the moment he handed me the thick envelop that my life was about to change.