Blurs in Your Vision

Cryin again. There’s a raw, gritty feelin in my eyes. If I cry too much more, I think they’re gonna fall out. Daddy says I gotta stop cryin so much or he won’t know what to do with me. He just says that so I won’t think he’s wantin to cry too. First Pappy, then Momma and Lilly gone at the same time, now Buck.

“He was just a pup. We can get nother.”

“No, Lilly gave Buck to me for my birthday. She named him. She always names the critters. I don’t think I could come up with a proper name all by my own.” Which Daddy knew meant I didn’t want to talk about it, so he should just hush up. Well, I think he knew that, he just didn’t do it.

Instead, a vein popped out in his neck and his eyes bulged out like a toad’s. “Now, Lavvy, just stop all this. You just go round a cryin and a fussin bout stuff that can’t be fixed, so just stop it.” Glistenin trails crept down from his toad eyes. “I miss yer Momma, and I miss yer sister, and I miss my Daddy, and I even miss that useless mutt.”

He jerked a bit and I flinched, but he just kicked the wall that time. I was holdin my breath, hopin he didn’t decide to keep kickin stuff. “I didn’t wanna move here.” A hand flew out and knocked over an already battered wooden chair. It clattered to the floor and I watched the right front leg pop off again. “Had to for the job.”

That job with the train company that Momma had wanted him to take. It was supposed to be a good opportunity. It was also supposed to take some of the hurt from losing Pappy away. Fresh start at a new place, she’d said.

“But all we got in the world now is each other and if you don’t stop all these tears, I don’t think I’m gonna to make it.” He blubbered a bit more, snufflin, and then there was no makin out what he was sayin for a while.

Finally, he took a gooey lung full of dusty air to catch himself. “So just stop it already. You hear me, girl? Stop cryin and feelin so damned sorry. I didn’t want this to happen.” Now he broke down into slurred prattle again, like always. This little rant went on longer than usual, so he must not have had so much whiskey yet.

I wanted to stop cryin and go hug my Daddy. I wanted to tell him that I was eleven now, old enough to quit being a kid and go work. I wanted to say I thought he was the strongest man in the world. But I didn’t. I just sat there, tryin to keep my runnin nose wiped.

After a bit, Daddy got quiet again. I could still hear him snuffle from time to time, but he was pretty much quieted down.

“We’re movin, Lavender. Company needs some more offices built and track laid out in some other place. I’m volunteerin. But right now, you go to bed. I’ll be back later.” That meant he was going to go find some liquor, hopefully on a friend’s tab, in some bar and maybe bring home some woman who wore too much rogue and demanded money we didn’t have at the end of the night.

That had been the story of our life for these past months. I quit keepin up with the actual days.

This was also the fourth move Daddy and me were gonna be makin. I knew the truth. It wasn’t that this place had too many memories; it just had too many people that Daddy had made mad.

He had always been like this, I just didn’t know before cause Momma knew how to make a house into a home and how to make hurtful things just part of forgotten nightmares. Since Momma had been gone, the nightmares were startin to become real.

I woke up the next mornin and Daddy wasn’t home. Wasn’t surprised though.

My stomach clinched, demandin somethin to eat. Problem was there wasn’t anythin to be had here. Daddy hadn’t give me money for food in a while. Thankfully the neighbors had them fat brown chickens that ran all over the place. Sure, they crapped on the porch, but they also sometimes laid eggs behind the other broken chair. Must have been my lucky mornin, cause there was three big brown eggs tucked back there. Maybe I shoulda saved some for Daddy, but I didn’t. While I was cookin me up some breakfast I decided not to go to school cause we was gonna be movin soon anyhow. Not like anybody was gonna come make me go.

Round lunch, the next door neighbor, Shelley, came over. She was tall and dark and expectin a child in a couple months. Her husband worked with my Daddy. They would be movin with the trains too, Shelley said, so she had come over to help me pack. She knew about it before I had and the gang had to move out in the mornin. News for me.

Since it was just the two of us now, there wasn’t much to pack. Still took most of the day, but only cause Shelley likes to talk.

That night, the men hadn’t been back yet and I stayed over at Shelley’s house for supper. We enjoyed mashed taters and turnips without the men. The day before a move was always busy. So much stuff to bring along. We just put our boxes marked with our names on the dirt that made a front yard. I slept there so I wouldn’t be lonely, and Shelley was nervous to be alone cause of the comin baby.

In the mornin, we got on the back car of a train with a bunch of other women and children. I knew some of them, but none of them would talk to me. They reckoned the apple didn’t fall far from the tree and they all knew Daddy.

Some of the men were there too, though most would catch up with us later. I drew on some scraps of paper on the train and played with some little boy that wouldn’t leave me be before his momma fussed at him for foolin with me. I might have napped, but I don’t remember.

We got to the new town and this time it was a little coal-minin place. Didn’t catch the name of it. I stopped keepin track of where we were when Momma died.

There were mountains and a cold stream as deep as your knees and of course lots of people dusted black by the dirty work. It seemed everythin was dusted in grays and blacks in that town. Shelley and I decided that our two tiny families would share a place until more permanent homes could be built. We claimed a little place for ourselves. It was barely more than a few boards nailed together.

As we were unpackin, there was a flash. Just a little blur of white in the corner of my eye. It ran away behind me and as I turned I saw it go over the hill nearby off into the scraggly trees. I shook my head and decided it was just my imagination playin in a place with all the jitters movin brings.

That night, Shelley and I cooked dinner. Only Ray, Shelley’s husband, came home. I just shrugged it off. “Daddy probably found a bottle of whiskey that seemed better than our dinner.” Shelley made a little sound.

“Oh sugga, don’ go a sayin’ such thins!” Her accent always got worse when she was upset. I think she came from Louisiana or somewhere down there. “You Daddy loves you dear, an he been through too much. I’m sure he’s a jus...” She trailed off.

I stopped payin attention anyway. Another little light shimmered from the corner of my eye. It danced in the corner above Shelley’s head before run out the window and into the trees like the other one.

The next day, heavy black clouds rolled in and spewed rain drops so big that one would soak a pony. Not much work could get done and everyone was cranky. I expected Daddy to come on home and raise a stink over not getting paid for the day on count of the rain.

Ray came home. Daddy didn’t.

Somethin inside me said I should worry, but I was so relieved over not gettin yelled at, I just shrugged my shoulders at Ray’s attempt to pologize it away. Shelley had gotten me some paper, so I was a busy drawing pictures from those fairy tales about sunny places and kings anyway. Knights in shiny armor. Little girls can dream.

The fourth night, and still no sign of Daddy, I looked Ray right in the eye at the supper table. “Tell the truth. You’ve been dodgin it and I ain’t bothered to ask. So I’m askin. Where’d my Daddy go off to?”

“I don’t know, Lavender. Been missin since the day before we left.”

“Nonsense, I saw him just that night.”

“Well, he didn’t come into work, and well…” Shelley stepped in. “Sugga, there was some folks tellin bout some bad happenin’s a way up the river from town.”

Up the river. That meant where the bootleggers, drunks, and worse people come together and done their dirty business.

“Yeah, there’s always somethin bad happenin up that way. Worse thing about that town. Daddy had a hand in it?”

“Well, Lavvy, we don’ know for sure. Til we do, why don ya jus stay here wit me and Ray. I’ll need help wit the baby soon nough.” At mention of the baby, Ray shifted uncomfortably. He was probably afraid I’d be bad influence on it, seein as how he never met my Momma and Daddy was never a shinin example of good folk.

“Yeah, I’ll stay. I ain’t a fool though, Shelley. I know you jus bein nice to me cause you got a good heart. Daddy finally up and gone for good or off and got hisself killed. So after the baby comes and I see that you’re doin fine for yourself, I’ll probably light up outta here and find some work in a city.”

Shelley and Ray just nodded. Satisfied to do right by their human duties to me, still a child, even if I didn’t know it.

Ray did his best to provide for all of us, but havin the third mouth a couple of months early wasn’t helpin. I heard him talkin late one night after I’d gone off to lay on my little pallet under the table.

“Shell, we can’t keep her here after the baby. I’m havin hard nough time keepin up with three mouths and four…”

“I know it, but there ain't nothin in this world worth it, if not a child.”

“She ain't our child. If she aims to go, then let her. If not, make her. She can’t stay after the baby.”

After that I took to doing wash and whatever else I could find to make extra coin. I bought my own food and never ate another bite that man ever brought home. He was right. They shouldn’t be saddled with me with a little one on the way. Shelley was probably less than two months out, and that was as long as I wanted to be here. Shelley or Ray never talked to me about that night or asked about my gettin my own food. I think it hurt Shelley’s feelins, but her stomach hurt worse, and hunger is a mean devil.

Seemed like life was ok for a bit. Then it rained for seven days and nights, with no sign of lettin up. Everythin was wet right down to the soul and bone cold. Shelley made jokes about Moses forgettin to pick us up and Ray needin to get started on a boat. He probably should as ill as he got. Rain meant no work, no work meant no money. We all went to bed early for all the good it did. Tryin to sleep in a puddle under the table was useless. Them blurry flashes were back. A couple were zipping around just outside the window.

Late into that restless night, Shelley stumbled across the room and plopped into a chair. She was pale and sweatin and looked to fall over any minute. I jumped up to catch her as she came off the chair, she’d have landed on me anyway. She was burnin up like the gates of Hell and cryin.

“I’m a hurtin’ in a real bad way, Lavvy baby.” I remember thinkin that I wished she just call me Lavendar, but I didn’t say nothin. It didn’t matter at that time.

“What’s wrong? You want me to get Ray?”

“No, let him sleep. Better dreamin than stewin.” She sprawled half in the floor, half on me, breathin heavy.

“You sick?”

“God forbid if ….” She screamed. It was a loud, sharp thing that I never did hear one worse. Like the Devil’s train whistle. I didn’t know what to do, so I sat there, half under this screechin woman, tryin to cover my ears.

Ray came lurchin into the room all groggy like. He bumbled to Shelley.

“Shelley? Shelley? Stop screamin! Shell?! Girl, go raise the fire so I can see what’s what.”

I crawled out from under the thrashin weight and did as I was told. As the fire jumped, Ray screamed, too. I remember thinkin that was the first time I’d ever heard a man make that sound before. Then I hollered too when I saw the blood. A big pool of it coming from where that baby was suppose to come from. Ray jumped up and ran outside. I hoped he’d bring back help. Soon.

I was alone with Shelley.

“What do I do, Shelley? What you need?” I tried soothin her, holdin her arms and runnin my hands through her sweaty hair. She couldn’t answer me. She was a floppin on the floor, hands on her belly, bleedin from her womanhood, and I just crouched there.

She reached out a shaky hand to me so I scooched closer on my knees and held it. She kept scratchin and squeezin me. I wondered when Ray was gonna get back. I wondered if he knew we didn’t have a doctor. At least I didn’t know where a doctor would be found.

Then I saw them again. Little glimmers all around. More than I’d ever seen before. Some of them outside, some of them right next to me. If I tried to look at them head on, they flitted about and hid. So I took another look at Shelley, then I closed my eyes tight.

Maybe I closed them to pray or to shut out that look on her face. Whatever the reason, when I did shut them, I felt somethin funny. Like hands, only tiny. Like feathers, only warm. They touched my back, my hair, my arms, and my hands.

Shelley got real quite and real still.

“I don’ wanna go. I wanna have my baby. I wanna love my Ray. I wanna stay.”

I was afraid to open my eyes. I was afraid to answer. All I heard was the crackle of fire and the rain outside.

Somethin else, like a song that I couldn’t catch the words to, floated around me. The hands slid off me like a thick fog through cold hills. They were movin to Shelley.

“No, please. At least give the baby life.”

My eyes were squeezed so hard they hurt, but I wasn’t gonna open them for nothin.

Rain.

Fire.

Hands.

“Can I tell Ray?” Shelley was wimperin softly, but wasn’t screamin or gaspin no more.

“Okay, then. Bye, Lavvy baby. I’m sorry. I can’t stay. Take care of Ray now, promise?”

How could I answer her? What could I answer her?

Her nails dug hard into the back of my hand. “Promise?” Shelley demanded.

“Yes.” Hot tears leaked from my eyes, but they stayed closed. I didn’t need to see what was happenin. I didn’t want to have to leave with her. I thought if I kept my eyes closed, then maybe no one would see me.

Things got quite.

Things got cold.

No more hands and the fire died down. I thought hours had passed, but it was more than likely just minutes start to done.

Heavy boots tromped in. “Shell?”

It was Ray.

I let my eyes open real slow, ready to smash them shut again if I needed to. No lights flyin around. No Shelley either. Just the shell of Shelley.

“Shells? Shell!” He fell onto the floor beside her, nearly on top of me. I obliged by movin to the dyin fire. More people came in, some women I didn’t recognize. They had cloth and herbs and clean water. They just stared at me.

“Shell, I brought help. The old women. They came to help you. See?” He looked up at them. “Come help her.”

They nodded and one shooed him away. He came to stand by me, shiftin from foot to foot. I poked the embers and pushed a little more wood into the fire to give us more light. Mostly it was to keep my hands busy, but it didn’t keep me busy long. Not knowing what else to do with ourselves, Ray and me wrapped a tremblin arm round each other and waited.

We didn’t wait long before the oldest woman got up and came to us. “She’s gone, honey. The baby, too. I’m sorry. So sorry. We’ll ready her for burial, you go rest.”

“What? No, you can’t bury her. She hates small places. She’ll wake up, and if we put her in the ground, she’ll think I left her. No. She’s fine.” Mumblin craziness, he peeled off me and crossed over to his wife in a daze. Picking Shelley up, he took her to their bed, laid her down, and covered her up with the thin blanket.

The women left, knowin better than to try to talk to him just then. I wished I knew better. When I tried to talk sense to him that mornin, he knocked me to the floor. The tang of blood in my mouth kept it closed after that.

For two more days it went like this. When the rain finally gave way, some men came to talk to Ray and to take Shelley to her grave. He knocked out one man’s tooth fightin them off the corpse.

I took her silver necklace from the box. Not to steal it, mind you. Just cause I wanted something of her’s to be close to my heart. I didn’t need to be in that house anymore. They was still fightin Ray when I left.

I stayed around camp long enough to hear that Ray had thrown hisself down a mineshaft.

I left that place, those people.

I still never found out for sure about my Daddy. I figure, I never will. I figure that was best.

Worse is that I broke my promise to Shelley. First real promise I made and I broke it.

Maybe I am like Daddy, maybe I should have just went with Shelley that night. Maybe that would have been best.

Maybe the little blurs should have taken me too. I’ve looked for them every day since. I reckon they’ll find me again when they want to.