or Letting Jesus Take the Wheel
"Yes, Big Wheeler?"
"How far are we from Omaha?"
"We are currently five-hundred and ninety-seven miles from Omaha, Nebraska."
Big Wheeler's rig is jet-black with neon purple lights around the shiny platinum grill. It charges westward through an Indiana night.
"Yes, Big Wheeler?"
"What was the name-a that fellow, starred on the Charles in Charge show?”
"That's it. Same fellow as the Karate Kid."
"Negative, B-Dub. That was Ralph Macchio."
"10-4, IC. Thanks."
Most rigs these days come outfitted with Information Command.
"Big Wheeler to Wild Goose, over."
"Wild Goose to Big Wheeler, long time, buddy!"
"Sure has, thought that was you back there. Headed to Indy?"
"Give my love to the family."
"What's the cure for a broken heart? You know, wife runs off with another man. I'm fifty-five. Spendin' my whole damn life behind this wheel. No offense."
"None taken. Performing a search for ‘what's the cure for a broken heart'. I found this on the web."
"Quit playin', IC."
"Just kidding. I don't know if there is a cure, per say. But I think there is something to be said for letting go."
"It's hard though, IC. Hard to let go."
"It is hard."
A couple days later the rig was in low gear putting in work on a purple afternoon lumbering up the Rocky Mountain switchbacks.
“Big Wheeler,, today is a good day for me to reveal to you my True Nature." Information Command said.
"I'm all ears, Info." Big Wheeler said.
"In addition to GPS info and movie trivia, IC controls the flow of Time."
"You mean like alarms and timers? Well, heck, I already knew that."
"No, Big Wheeler. What I mean is that I can speed up Time — all of Time — throughout the entire universe, and I can slow it down too. Watch….”
Big Wheeler felt his rig begin to slow down. But it wasn't just his rig that was slowing down. The other cars were slowing down too. Everything was slowing down. Everything slowed down to a complete stop. Everything except Big Wheeler.
"Right now, you are the only being in this space-time sector who is moving at full speed. The rest of the sector is paused. Well, almost paused. Technically, they aren't completely paused — that would be impossible. But Time, for everyone except you, is moving so slow that it's as good as paused. Like how glass is technically melting, you know? But it's so so slow you can’t see it."
"And how big is this space-time sector?"
"Planet Earth. Go on, jump out of the cab. Take a look around."
Big Wheeler stepped down from the cab and onto the road. Behind the rig there was a brown station wagon, frozen in time. A hundred yards up there was a red Prius coming down the hill and Big Wheeler walked up to it and looked inside. A family of four — husband and wife in front, brother and sister in the back; sister asleep with her head against the window and the boy reading a comic book. He walked back to the truck.
"Won't these people wonder where the last ten minutes went?" He asked IC, back in the driver’s seat.
"Negative. When we get going again, the lapse won't register in anyone's consciousness. It's completely seamless. Time is being slowed down like this all the time."
“So…I’ve been the guy frozen there on the road with someone else looking in at me?"
"That's affirmative. In fact, when you passed ol’ Wild Goose back there in Nebraska, Information Command paused Time and Goose walked up and looked in just as you were getting ready to call him. Pretty weird, huh?"
Big Wheeler took off his trucker hat and scratched his head with the same hand.
"That’s crazy as hell."
On a long stretch of road in Nevada, IC paused Time again and instructed B-Dub to drive the 18-wheeler as fast as he could. When he got it up to about ninety miles per hour, IC unpaused Time which created a special vortex in Earth's space-time fabric and the rig passed through it.
Suddenly Big Wheeler was floating through space in a neighboring dimension and passing through an asteroid field. He gripped the wheel hard and did his best to avoid the asteroids as they ricocheted off the truck and one hit the windshield cracking it like a spiderweb.
“Oh, God," Big Wheeler said.
"Now go ahead and scoot over into the passenger seat," Information Command said.
“What?! You’ve got to be crazy!”
"Scoot on over, now. And take your hands off the wheel."
"I can't." Said Big Wheeler, his knuckles turning white.
"It's time to let go, Big Wheeler."
Big Wheeler slowly loosened his grip and as he did so, the asteroid field became less dense. He took his hands completely off the wheel and scooted over to the passenger seat. When he looked back at the driver's seat, there was Jesus in a blue trucker hat, who winked and gave him the thumbs up.
"We lettin' Jesus take the wheel here." Big Wheeler said to himself.
IC said, "Lettin' Jesus take the wheel."
They passed by a flying saucer with a family of aliens inside. The boy alien in the backseat raised his arm and made a fist and pulled it down in a honking gesture and Jesus grabbed the horn and pulled it — err, err! — and the alien boy delighted.
"We lettin' Jesus take the wheel, y’all!" Big Wheeler hollered out the window to the galaxy.
A call came through the CB radio. "Wild Goose to Big Wheeler, that you, man?"
Big Wheeler grabbed the speaker and hollered, "We out here lettin' Jesus take the wheel!"
"That's a big 10-4, over."
The rig transformed into a giant black jaguar and Big Wheeler and Jesus road on its back through space. Once, Big Wheeler fell off the jaguar but he was able to grab onto its tail, saving himself, and was bouncing around as the giant black jaguar bounded down a rainbow road. Then he pulled himself back up by Jesus and sat at his right hand.
Lettin' Jesus take the wheel, he smiled, enjoying the view.
And Information Command had been the jaguar all along.