Beyond All Four Walls

I lay in the dark wide awake, the silence around me lay thick, the sound of nothingness surrounded my head. I was the only one left awake in the accommodation. I drew the curtain a little to peer out. No-one outside either, I could just go on a walk. I slipped out from under the covers and hung my head, everything felt empty, the pain that was still inside subsided a little. Remembering a hazed memory of the night before, I had taken a small amount of opioids just to make the pain go away and sleep peacefully. It was so silent. So silent.

Shifting out of my bed, I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror, I saw an empty figure staring back, so lifeless and hollow, my eyes had no life and my cheeks pale. I stood and sauntered out into my apartment, the only thing audible was the dripping of water from my kitchen tap, there was no light anywhere, the flat dark and dead, but my eyes were used to it. I didn’t have many belongings since a while ago, all there was in the apartment was a small kitchenette within the living space, a cramped bathroom and a single bedroom, although it was practically a box apartment, it was mine.

I had a standing easel with a half painted painting, it had been a long time since I painted, the colours just looked so grey, I couldn’t remember the colours they used to be.

On the wall was pasted with old photographs, still memories, kind memories, happy and full of life, they filled my living room wall with obnoxious life, that was all gone now. I dropped my figure onto the couch. I think it was a blue couch but I hadn’t turned on my lights or opened my curtains in a long time, I remembered it to be navy blue but appeared emerald in the light. The curtains blocked out what seemed to be a sunny and undisrupted sky, I could see a halo of light around the curtains, I hadn’t seen daylight for what seemed to be a long time.

Though I was glad I had blackout curtains, a pang in my heart enticed me to open the curtains, just for a while, but my mind was still foggy, if not all clouded. I couldn’t be bothered to stand any more but my stomach called out in anger, wanting provisions and sustenance - it reminded me that I hadn’t eaten for at least two days.

But I couldn’t feel it, I was numbed and hunger was the last thing on my mind, I had lost my mind and forgot who I was whilst I was in a slump. I didn't wear proper clothing as I slowly came to realise that I wasn’t wearing a shirt or bra, just sitting pant-less staring into the empty void that was my home.

I didn’t know how long I sat there, I didn’t have a watch and had gotten rid of my clock a long time ago, I couldn’t take the incessant ticking of the hands.

I mustered what little strength that I had and stumbled to the fridge, opening it to block the light that emitted, only to find a can of beer, a carrot, and an empty jug of milk. I took the empty jug and closed the fridge having no clue as to what to do with it. Although I remembered the close to dead plant which resided on my bedside table, armed with a pair of scissors I retreated to my bedroom to bring the plant to the kitchen sink, returning with me a stale smelling old t-shirt which I had the lack of strength to wash bringing the shirt over my head and taking a whiff as I found the arm holes.

I found a small sprout which has yet to flower from the lifeless plant and cut up the jug to create a makeshift pot, digging out a little part of dirt and emptying it out into the plastic. Turning on the tap to get a little water for the new sprout so it would take root and grow into a beautiful new plant; it was like a spark had been lit inside and this was the first time in five years where I didn’t feel dead inside.

I brought the new plant to the window sill, pushing the curtain for a small opening I propped the plant on the sill I held the curtain for a while feeling the warmness it brought to my hand, and I saw colour for the first time, although my skin was cold, I could see some warmness from blue and green veins that marbled between my flesh. So this was what the sunlight felt like, I thought to myself.

In an instant, I found myself pulling away the curtain quite hard as the curtain hooks rattled loudly and sunlight poured into the living room blinding me. I had to close my eyes as they felt as if they were stung from the sudden intrusion of light. Once my eyes became accustomed to the change of light, I could see the room much more clearly. The dust was visible in the light. But at that moment I felt a sense of peace.

The colours of the world seem so bright. Was it because I hadn't looked out the window in a long time? The billowy soft clouds against the cerulean blue sky reflecting in the rushing water of the river, the sun coloured flowers on my neighbours balcony, the rich green of the leaves and grass.

It was time to move on. No longer dwelling on old painful memories in the past. As the world continues to move forward, I had to too.