Beneath The Surface

Carmen sat in the seat of the picture sized window staring at the frozen pond that she once thought to be so full of life, where the fish swam and new life began. After experiencing a horrific incident, that was no longer how she viewed it. The frozen pond was now dark and unforgiving, it claimed lives, never to be restored. People never viewed the pond for its depths but only its alluring surface. One year had passed since she’d said her final goodbye to her six year old son and watched the small, pinewood coffin lowered into the ground. She felt hopeless, as if there was no life beyond the one she had foreseen for herself and London. She spent so long wondering what she could have done differently that day so that her son would still be alive. Tears that she hadn’t noticed slid down her face, slipping between her lips and giving that all too familiar salty taste. Carmen blamed herself and there was no one who could change her mind. She then drifted into an unrelenting sleep. “Mommy, can we go outside on the ice today?” London asked with excitement in his voice. Carmen stared at him smiling, “yes, you can sweetheart. Just wait for me to finish these last couple of dishes.” She said as she turned away to refocus on the dishes. After finishing, Carmen met her husband Neyo in their bedroom to invite him out on the pond. Every year after the pond froze over, they’d ice skate together. It took Neyo maybe three times to have to hold London’s hands while skating but after that, he took off. “Babe, are you coming out on the ice with us today?” Carmen asked while sitting at the edge of their bed and putting on her winter boots. “I’ll meet y’all out there in fifteen minutes.”Neyo said through a yawn. “Uhm-hmm is that right?” Carmen playfully asked as she walked around the bed to hug and kiss him. She then walked out toward the front door, meeting London. “Come on mom, I want you to see my new tricks!” London impatiently grabbed his mom’s hand with anticipation dancing in his rich brown eyes. The two of them couldn’t get out the door fast enough before London sprinted toward the pond. Carmen closed the house door, laughing as she told London to slow down. He stood near the pond, waiting for her to catch up. Carmen walked over to the wooden bench three feet away from the pond that Neyo built, so that she could put on her skates. She never really understood how London’s ankles were strong enough to withstand his weight as he ran in his skates. They carefully made their way hand in hand onto the ice, Carmen first then London. It was the first time of the year they’d been on the ice since the pond had frozen over. Usually, the three of them would go on the ice together but London had been so excited, talking about skating from sun up to sun down that Carmen had given in. Neyo was too tired since he’d been picking up more hours at his office to earn extra money for the vacation he’d secretly planned for them for the upcoming week. “Look mommy!” London squealed as he skated backwards with a huge smile on his face. Carmen watched with joy filling her, knowing that her son was happy. “You wanna race to the other end, mom?” London asked, stopping right before he would run into her. “I mean we both already know who would win if we did race.” Carmen playfully boasted, looking up at nothing in particular. London began laughing. “I know that you know I’m gonna win mom. Thanks.” He said. They both burst into laughter at his confidence. “Okay, but I’m warning you that just because you’re my son doesn’t mean I’m gonna take it easy on you and let you win.” She said. “Don’t worry momma, I’m still gonna love you after I win.” London teased. The two of them stood in position behind the invisible start line. “On your mark. Get ready. Get set.” The two of them leaned forward, ready for take off. “Go!” London yelled, starting before actually saying the word, giving him a short head start. It didn’t take long before Carmen began gaining speed. She kept her speed at a slower pace only to tease London. “Now you see me. And now you don’t.” She waved as she picked up some more speed. They were side by side before she actually passed him. She was laughing and could hear London’s laughter for a while until she didn’t. It didn’t bother her because she knew that he was great at skating and new that he wasn’t too far behind. Not hearing his laughter or his taunting for more than five minutes behind her made her feel guilty about winning. She thought he was quietly working on catching up. Carmen had always been competitive but the love for her son outweighed the need to win. Halting before making it to their desired finish line, Carmen turned around finding no trace of her son. Before panic could ultimately take over, she called out his name as she slowly skated toward where she’d last seen him. “London, sweetheart!... London, where are you?” Her voice trembled as fear crept in. Her eyes darted in every direction searching for her son. She could hear splashing water and immediately skated toward the sound. Her heart sank as she let out a high pitched scream. Carmen had never known how to swim but without a second thought she was out of her coat and skates within seconds before she dove into the ice cold opening that wasn’t there before. She submerged under water seeing nothing but darkness at first. Prickling pain stung her skin from the bitter cold. She fought through it while forcing her arms and legs to move as best she knew how until she saw London. She made her way to him, grabbing him as tight as she could. He was flailing his arms and kicking his legs as they swam. The hole she entered seemed to be nowhere in sight as she kept hitting ice each time she pushed up. Each attempt was a dead end and prolonged her held breath. She could feel London’s fight slowing down. Desperation and panic filled her as she continued searching for that opening, she knew that she had not swam so far away from it so where could it be? It wasn’t long before she felt warmth pass through her then coldness just as quick. She needed oxygen and so did London. He was no longer moving and that scared her more than dieing. Suddenly she felt herself being pulled by strong arms as her lungs filled with water and darkness began taking over. Carmen then woke up from her sleep gasping for air, drenched in sweat and heart almost beating out of her chest. She sat up in bed and scooted to the edge so that her feet would touch the floor. She sobbed while shaking her head. "It's my fault... I'm so sorry , London. I'm so s-sorry. Everything is my fault, I should have tried harder... I shouldn't have left you." It was the same dream each time with the same outcome no matter how much she wished it would be different. The clock read twelve midnight which meant she’d slept a lot longer than intended. Neyo must’ve carried her to bed. He wasn’t in his spot when she looked over but there was a black journal decorated with gold writing that said ‘Take your Time, I’m Listening'. There was a short note attached to it. The note read; ‘This is for you, Carmen. I don’t know how else to really reach you but I know that writing is another form of expressing yourself. I love you more than words can explain and I hope that this helps, babe. We’re in this together, I just want you to make peace with everything.’ His kind gesture brought tears to her eyes. She then reached over into the nightstand near the bed for a pen, she wanted to write in it right away. There was so much that she needed to get off her chest. Who knew that a journal could help unload some untold thoughts that had been eating away at her for so long. That year had taken so much from her in a flash. It was the beginning of a break through in her life that she so desperately been searching for but had no idea where to start. Her first entry talked about how everything happened and how she wished London had woken up instead of her. She wrote how she felt he was cheated out of life and how it made her faith falter. She also expressed how she hated living without him, how she felt guilty, ashamed, mostly hurt, and defeated. She had felt like only a shadow of her old self but while writing, somewhere along the way, she was beginning to feel that maybe someday she could make peace with him being gone. After finishing, Carmen went to the bathroom to take a much needed shower. Writing lightened the heaviness of her burden, like there was something that she could look forward to. She knew healing may not occur the same day but she was sure that it would, some day. Carmen took a liking to writing and made it into a habit to write every day. On April 6, 2020 she had finally left her home to attend church service. Everyone there was nice and let her know that they’d been praying for her. Everyone had also expressed how happy they were that she returned to church. For the first time since London’s passing, Carmen didn’t feel out of place or like she was having a good time while he was alone and cold. She and Neyo sat through the sermon, both needing to hear the encouragement, the love, and the Lord’s unchanging Word. She could only take one step at a time and each passing day was another step, it was the beginning of a life she could imagine. One month after going to church, she and Neyo decided that they needed a fresh start. They were moving to a new house but before then, they needed to make peace with their pass that haunted them. They knew they could never forget London, but they strived to make it where remembering him wouldn’t always be set in tragedy. They wanted to hold on to the good memories, to the love that they surrounded one another with. Neyo and Carmen sat on the wooden bench, staring out into the pond. Neither of them spoke a word for a while as they smiled. “I remember you being so happy when your mom and I bought you your first pair of skates.” Neyo spoke first with a smile on his face. “You were so happy that you cleaned your room without us having to tell you and you camped out in the living room so that you could wake us up to skate at the first peek of the sun.” Carmen added with a smile and tears. She then stood while holding London’s favorite white and yellow toy boat. “I remember this has always been your favorite boat no matter how many new ones we bought you.” Carmen spoke again in a brittle voice as she kneeled at the pond to place the boat. Her tears were no longer only from sorrow but from a point of letting go and letting God. They watched the boat float with no wind to assist it. They stared at one another, both receiving answers to questions they’d never spoken out loud. Neyo then joined her, placing an action figure that London also loved to play with. Nothing was set in stone but it was a beginning that both of them decided to journey together on. It all started where they once thought it ended, at the frozen pond in their own backyard.