Beet of my Heart

Graydon Dinkles–bow-tied, loud suited and a mega-watt smile–strides out onto the brightly lit stage.

The APPLAUSE sign lights up, and the audience responds appropriately.

Camera One dollies in close on Graydon.

“Welcome to C’mon, You Know This!'The game show that pits wise guys and wise girls against each other. I’m your host, Graydon Dinkles.”

Graydon’s eyes twinkle with barely suppressed excitement.

“Let’s meet our contestants!”

The music pumps up as Graydon crosses over to the pink-tinted side of the stage.

“And who do we have here?” he asks the stunning brunette standing behind her podium. A large electronic scoreboard (currently reading zero, of course) is lit up behind her.

“Hi, Graydon, I’m Kayla Conners. I live in Pasadena.”

“Hello, Kayla. And what do you do?”

Kayla looks suddenly nervous.

“Hmm… nothing much, really.”

“Well, that’s not true at all. According to your profile, you are a renowned macro-biologist, working at the Mayo Clinic,” Graydon smiles.

“Oh. Yes, there’s that. I don’t know how renowned I am. It’s more of a hobby, really…”

“That’s some hobby!” Graydon laughs.

***

Kayla and her boyfriend, Chuck, lie in bed, post-coital, back to back.

“You did it again,” Chuck mutters.

Kayla sits up and turns to face him. She looks perplexed. “I did what again?”

“You know.”

“No, I don’t know,” she speaks into his ear, tickling it.

Chuck swats her hand away, and spins around to face her. “Yes, you do know. You always know.”

“What? Tell me.”

“Everything. You always know everything.”

Kayla looks astonished.

“I do not know everything.”

“Cat.”

“Cat?”

“I’m in the middle of trying to make passionate love to you and you interrupt to explain how I should try the CAT technique as it will allow better clitoral simulation.” Chuck grabs her by the shoulders. “I don’t even know what that means!”

“CAT stands for coital alignment technique, sometimes known as grinding the–”

“Stop!”

“What?”

“It’s not sexy when you correct, comment and analyze everything I do while I’m in the middle of doing it. I can only concentrate on one thing at a time!”

“Are you saying I’m too smart to be sexy?” Kayla sits back and crosses her arms.

“What? No. Of course not.”

“Only weak men are afraid of smart women!”

“I’m not afraid of you. I love your heart and body, but your brain can be a real ball buster.”

“I’m not all that smart!”

“Yes, you totally are. And to prove it, I signed you up for that game show.”

“What game show?”

“You know!”

***

Graydon reluctantly turns from Kayla.

“Let’s meet your challenger.”

He strolls over to the blue side to meet Derick. Derick has a mop of unruly blonde hair and is considered reasonably handsome by many.

“Over here we have Derick Freeman.”

“Hey, Graydon.”

“And what do you do, Derick?”

“I’m an astronomy professor at Cal Tech.”

“Impress-”

“Impressive? Kind of boring, really. I mostly just star gaze,” Derick shrugs.

The audience laughs.

Graydon turns to the audience, a little bewildered.

“Two brilliant, if quite modest, minds. This should prove to be a very interesting match. Are you ready, contestants?”

Kayla smiles. “I’m super ready, Graydon.”

“Bring it on, Dinkles!”

“The questions start off easy, then get progressively harder.”

Graydon looks down and reads from the notecard.

“The category is scientists. There’s a lucky break for the both of you,” he grins. “Hands on buzzers. Here’s the first clue. He was born in Germany…”

He looks expectantly at both contestants. Neither tries to answer.

Derick glances over at Kayla.

Kayla glances back at him expectantly

Ding!

“Time’s up! Okay, second clue. He is a theoretical physicist.”

Derick’s hand rises toward his buzzer. Kayla watches intently. Derick notices Kayla and pulls his hand back.

“No? No one?” Graydon’s surprised.

Ding!

“Time’s up. Okay. The third and final clue for this question. His most famous formula is E=MC squared.”

Kayla’s hand sweeps toward her buzzer as if by reflex. She pulls it back just in time without pressing it. Derick studies her, then slowly reaches for his own buzzer…

Ding!

“Time’s up.”

***

Derick nurses a beer with his buddy, Carl, at a sports bar.

“I’m telling you, Carl, Nancy’s about to leave me. She says I’m too much of a know-it-all. She feels stupid around me.”

“Yeah. I bet you hear–”

“That lot? I do! And she complains that I always finish her sentences.”

Derick drinks from his beer.

“Do you love her?” Carl asks, his eyes on the TV, avoiding Derick’s.

“Of course!” Derick snaps back.

“How do you know?”

“What kind of question is that?”

“Just wondering.” He drinks. “I’m never sure. Maybe you’re not either.”

“Of course, I’m sure.” Derick sounds a little less sure than before.

“Was it love at first sight?”

“Huh? No! I way. We dated for a while, then a while more, then… you know. We fell in love.”

“You don’t believe in love at first sight? I thought everyone did?”

“What are you, a fifteen-year-old girl? There’s no such thing!”

“Okay.” Carl waves his hand up in surrender. “You both love each other deeply, madly. So, there’s no problem.”

“That’s right. There’s no problem.”

“Fine by me.”

Derick is silent for a long moment.

“I never said deeply, madly,” he admits. “Just that we fell in love.”

“Are you still falling?” Carl asks.

“What kind of stupid question is that? Just shut up and watch the game. I’m sorry I ever said anything.”

Derick glances up at the TV screen.

“The Raiders are going to do a play action fake, shuffle a pass to an eligible receiver, who’ll toss it back to the QB who’ll run it in for a TD.”

And that’s exactly what happens.

“Damn. You must be-”

“Psychic? Nah.” Derick signals the waitress for another beer. “I’m just observant.”

“Yeah.” Carl agrees with a smirk.

“Yeah? What’s that supposed to mean? Yeah.”

“Nothing. It’s just that...”

“What?” Derick prods.

“Never mind. We’ve been through it. Sorry to bring it up.”

“Tell me.”

“You’ll get mad.”

“I won’t get mad.”

Carl hesitates, then says gingerly, “If you’re so observant, how come you can’t see why Nancy wants to leave you?”

Derick doesn’t get angry he just nods sadly.

“I guess I’m not so smart after all.”

“Nah, you’re plenty smart. Always have been. That’s something you’ve never had to prove.”

“True. But I feel pretty dumb right now.”

They drink.

“Maybe that’s the answer,” Carl suddenly realizes.

“What?’

“Dummy up. Then Nancy wouldn’t feel so intimidated around you,” Carl says.

“Yeah. Maybe. But how could I do that?”

“I know! Why don’t you–?”

“Be a contestant on C’mon, You Know This!?”

“Yeah. You could–”

“Lose on purpose!”

“Exactly!”

“That would prove I’m not a know-it-all!” Derick shouts out.

Several bar patrons look over, annoyed.

“You’re a genius!”

“I am, indeed!”

They high-five.

And return to watch the Raiders lose the game by seven points, just as Derick predicted.

***

Graydon’s back from the commercial break. He looks stunned.

The scoreboards behind the contestants remain zeros.

“So, we’re in our final round of standard play and the score remains zero to zero. This is a first for C’mon, You Know This! The judges have suggested we bypass the challenger questions and drop down to the elementary school questions for this final round.”

Graydon wrings his hands through his hair.

“You do know there’s 25,000 dollars at stake, right?”

They nod.

“I know it’s a little late to ask, but you both know how to play the game?” Graydon hopes just maybe…

“Of course, Graydon,” Kayla smiles.

“Correctamundo, Dinkles,” answers Derick.

…but no.

“However, if I may add that, my lovely contestant has been a most formidable competitor,” Derick bows to Kayla.

Kayla blushes slightly.

“And the gentleman as well,” she adds. “I don’t think I’ve ever met a more difficult challenge.”

“I’m so glad you think so,” Graydon mutters. “And as a reminder, if neither of you answers a question, any single question correctly, then neither of you win anything. You both go home with zip. Zero. Nada.”

“I’m a three times mathelete champion, Dinkles,” Derick exclaims. “I’m ready when you are.”

“I won the fifth grade spelling bee!” Kayla blurts out. “And I was only in the second grade at the time.”

Derick shoots her a radiant smile. So charming!

Graydon sighs in relief.

“Okay! We’re finally seeing a bit of competitive spirit here. So, Kayla. Clue number one, it’s a fruit.”

“A pineapple?”

“No. Next clue it’s a red fruit.”

“A beet?” Derick guessed.

“No, that’s a vegetable.”

“Back to you Kayla. It’s round, red and a fruit. Any guesses?”

“A radish?”

“No. That’s also a vegetable. We’re looking for a fruit,” Graydon explains, exasperated. “Okay, Derick. You can pull ahead and win with one correct answer here. It has a red skin that can be peeled.”

“Uh… Babybel cheese?”

“Cheese? We’re looking for a fruit.”

“A lingonberry?” Derick tries.

“I don’t even know what that is. Besides, it’s not your turn.”

“It’s a red berry from Sweden,” Kayla explains.

“Does it have peelable skin?” Graydon challenges.

Derick and Kayla look at each other. They shrug. Not sure.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s the wrong answer. Now, let’s put on our thinking caps. Eve found this fruit in the Garden of Eden.”

Blank looks from both contestants.

Graydon’s stunned. “Come on. Really? No one knows?”

“A fig?” Derick tosses out.

“Are you kidding me?”

Ding. Timer rings.

The theme music rises.

“We’ll be right back to whatever the hell this is,” Grayson throws the cards up in frustration.

In the audience, Chuck and Nancy sit side-by-side in the front row.

“Even I knew that one,” Chuck mutters.

Nancy looks over at him, whispering, “It’s apple, right?”

“Of course.” Chuck turns to her.

Their eyes meet.

“You’re pretty smart,” he grins.

She blushes. “Nah, not really. Derick’s the smart one.”

“Who’s Derick?”

She points to her boyfriend on stage.

“He doesn’t seem so smart to me,” Chuck laughs.

“Neither does she,” Nancy nods towards Kayla.

“Kayla knows too much and not enough, if you know what I mean?”

“I know exactly what you mean.”

They lock eyes.

Chuck leans in and whispers.

“Do you know what CAT is?”

“You mean like the opposite of dog?” Nancy whispers back.

“Exactly.”

The commercial break is over.

Camera’s roll.

Graydon’s back. His smile tight and forced.

“Welcome back to C’mon. You. Know. This!" Graydon emphasizes every word in the show’s title with a heavy sigh.

“So… folks, if you remember when we left for a commercial break, and I don’t see how you could forget, the clue was ‘Eve found this fruit in the Garden of Eden,’ and Derick answered fig. Obviously, the wrong answer, as probably everyone…” he looks sternly at Kayla, who looks back innocently “… knows. Kayla, do you have an answer to this insanely simple question so that we can finally end this game?”

“Well, Graydon, I’ve been thinking about it over the commercial break… and true, a fig is not a fruit, but neither is it a vegetable. It’s an inflorescence–a cluster of... whoops!”

Her hand flies up to cover her mouth. She has given away too much.

“I mean, I don’t know. Ask Derick.”

“We already asked Derick,” Graydon groans. “He said fig. Remember?”

Derick raises his hand. Graydon is stunned.

“Why are you raising your hand?”

“Is it my turn?”

“Do you have the answer?”

“No.”

“Of course not,” Graydon replies. “I don’t know why I–”

“I mean, yes!”

“Really?” Graydon brightens. “Please, do tell us.”

“Well, yes, and no. It’s a tricky one, Graydon. As Kayla started to say, a fig is a mass of inverted flowers and seeds pollinated by a species of tiny symbiotic wasps.”

“Fascinating,” Graydon replies. “But I don’t see–”

“Yes, it is fascinating, Graydon!” Kayla jumps in. “The male fig flower is the only place where the female wasp can lay her eggs. She shimmies up the narrow opening–”

A loud buzzer startles everyone back to the game.

“That sound announces the end of normal play. Apple. The word we were going for was apple.”

Derick snaps his fingers. “Apple! Of course!”

“The score is still zero to zero. We’ll have a sudden death tie-breaker right after this break. That should be… whatever,” Graydon exits, muttering. It’s not clear that he’ll be returning.

Derick pulls an apple from his pocket and takes a bite as he walks over to Kayla.

“Where’d you get that?” she asks.

“Craft services.” He pulls another one out. “Want one?”

“No, thanks. I don’t think you should be over here, consorting with the enemy.” Kayla looks around the studio. No one seems to care.

“Even enemies sometimes consort.”

“Like in the Christmas Truce of 1914?”

“Impressive,” Derick grins.

“Not really,” she tries to shrug it off.

“Come on, a radish? There’s no way you’re as dumb as you’re pretending to be.”

“You talking to me, Babybel?” she counters.

“Touché,” Derick laughs. “So, are you here alone?”

“No.” Kayla turns toward the audience. “That’s my boyfriend, right…”

She points to Chuck, who is leaning in close and saying something to Nancy. Nancy laughs and swats his arm playfully. Her hand lingers there.

“Oh!” Kayla cries.

“Do you mean the dude goo-goo eying Nancy?” Derick asks, equally startled.

“Who’s Nancy?”

“My soon to be ex-girlfriend, I’m guessing.”

“What a louse!” Kayla cries. “I’m doing this stupid show for him!”

“Really? Why?”

“He thinks I’m too smart for my own good. Looks like he was wrong. He played me for a fool in front of a live studio audience.”

“Nancy thinks I am a know-it-all. But I know I sure didn’t see this one coming.”

“I don’t think you’re a know-it-all.”

“I don’t think you’re a fool.”

They turn to each other.

“I liked how you knew so much about fig pollinization,” Kayla blushes. “And the symbiotic relationships between wasps and their flowers.”

Derick moves a step closer.

“You mean how it’s co-beneficial for wasps to mate inside fig flowers?”

“Uh, uh.” Kayla bites her lip, nodding. “It’s a win-win.”

“How about when the male wasp chews a hole in the synconium allowing the female to slip out?” his voice a whisper.

“Hmmm. Yes, that’s so...” she moans.

“Chivalrous?”

“No, Mister Know-It-All. I was going to say symbiotic.”

“Ah, symbiosis. When two species mutually benefit from each–”

Kayla places her finger to his lips, stopping him mid-sentence.

“How about we finish this game?” Kayla whispers seductively.

“What’s the stakes?”

The music comes on.

“Winner’s choice.”

The APPLAUSE sign lights up.

“You’re on.”

They kiss to seal the bet.

The audience claps wildly.