Be Free

The sun was nowhere to be seen on this especially gray San Francisco morning.

Angela trudged along the beach. Her mood matching the color of the sky.

This was a private beach, she had met the owner at a party some years back, and he had told her, that she was welcome whenever she wanted.

She hadn't seen or spoken to the man since, but she did take him up on his kind offer to use his beach a time or two.

She saved this location for when she really felt the particular need to be alone.

Rocky, uneven, covered in pebbles and chipped sea shells, it was not the best choice for jogging or even really walking. She therefore felt secure in the assumption that her solitude would remain unimpeded.

She couldn't get Eric off of her mind, or rather, out of her head.

" The next time I see him.." she ruminated. Oh, and there definitely would be a next time. There always was with Eric. He would come back, tell her how sorry he was. Tell her how he would never do it, or anything like it, ever again.

But this time, she would have something well thought out to say to him for sure.

Maybe she would finally put her foot down and say, something like, "I know Eric, you're always sorry. But I dont believe you anymore, you never follow through. You always say you'll never do it again but you always do, you can't stay here anymore, I can't take it." This was the truth after all.

But, she would probably chicken out and end up playing sympathetic, just as she usually did. And she would accept him back "under one condition" this time, just like every other time, for the last five years. Dammit.

Oh how she hated this sickly stuck feeling. She felt stagnant, buried in the mud. Like she had no way out with nowhere to go.

She really didn't want to have to be the one to make this decision. Why couldn't he just decide to leave and stay gone? Why couldn't he save her from having to force him to leave. Breaking her own heart in the process.

No, he was too much of a coward to do it for her. And she was too much of a coward to make him. So instead, she'd let the cat drag him in again in the hope that he would change like he always said he would.

But she knew he wouldn't.

Maybe he really couldn't.

The wind froze her nose and cheeks as she plodded on down the shoreline.

She didn't mind the cold really, at least it allowed her to feel a different kind of numbness.

As she continued along the rocky beach, something moving caught her eye.

Something splashing in a tidepool just ahead.

As she approached it she realized it was a huge spotted fish about three feet long. A huge fish in a tiny little tidepool. The tide was on its way out, It must have got stuck in there. She looked closer. No, this was a tiny shark.

A leopard shark.

Angela was proud of herself for recognizing it. From what she could remember, they were a gentle, even friendly, and mostly harmless shark in the dogfish family. She remembered reading about them a few years ago when a bunch of them were turning up dead on beaches all around the Bay Area. What was wrong with this one she wondered. Other than getting trapped in a shallow tidepool when the rest of the tide was on its way out. She watched it writhe back and forth in the shallow water.

At least it was overcast and the water it found itself trapped in remained cool. She was sure that no one else would come across it here. She knew it would die if she left it there. She couldn't let it die. She knew that she was this animal's only chance.

She found the creature to be oddly majestic, adorable even. She looked into its strangely expressive eyes, knelt down and gingerly rested her hand on the animal's back. It stopped squirming for a moment.

She didn't quite know if she'd calmed it or simply terrified it into giving up. She sighed and rose to her feet. Took her phone out of her pocket and removed her watch from her wrist. She set them down on a rock where they would be safe. She tied her hair back and knelt back down next to the tidepool.

What was the best way to do this? She couldn't grab the animal by the tail and simply drag it back to the beach, it would surely be cut to ribbons on the sharp rocks if she did that.

She recalled photos she'd seen online of people holding small sharks firmly by the tail and cradled underneath the throat behind its jaw, well out of the way from any gnashing teeth. Angela took a deep breath and although the thought terrified her a bit. She was determined to give it a shot. She rolled up her sleeves and put her left hand underneath the animal while reaching out with her right, she firmly grasped the end of its tail. With another deep breath she wrapped her hand around the top of the animal's head, while keeping a firm grip with her right hand on the tail, she stood up.

The animal struggled, But she held fast. The strength of the small animal was impressive, she was thankful that it didn't weigh very much.

The tail of the animal looked intimidating. She was careful to hold it far away from her face as she was certain she did not want to be slapped by it.

This brought up a memory of a time when Eric had been so drunk that he passed out on the stoop outside of their apartment. She didn't want to leave him out there, and although she was half his size, went out there to wrestle him back inside. He was passed out cold and dead-weight. But he woke up long enough to smack her sharply across the jaw, leaving a bruise on her lip.

Keeping her grip on the slippery fish, She carefully walked over the rocks towards the shoreline. As the waves came to meet her, she knelt down in a sandy patch, and gently placed the animal on the shore in the lapping waves.

The waves washed over the shark, it started to swim, but the waves rolled past it as it floundered in the surf.

"Go! You stupid animal! Don't you know you're free!" She shouted through tears of frustration. Instantly she felt foolish. It dawned on her that her frustration was not with the little shark, instead it was a reflection of a much deeper issue. Her own decision to remain stuck in heartache and return to suffering for the last five years.

She looked down at the shark. The poor thing was probably in shock, disoriented and exhausted. She determined that she would just have to try a different approach, and she may have push herself a little harder.

She remembered something she had heard regarding pulling sharks backwards in the water. Could you drown them that way? Was that a myth? She didn't want to take the chance. So this time, Angela stripped off her jacket, wet it in the waves, and wrapped it around the young shark.

The animal seemed to have regained some of its strength, as it struggled even more now. But she held tight to it as she pulled it to her chest. She clasped the thrashing shark close as she waded into the icy ocean. The animal struggled harder, she held on tighter, plunging now waist deep in the crashing waves.

The assault of ocean spray stung her eyes and nose as she was now chest deep in the frigid bay. She unwrapped her jacket from around the shark. Tears were streaming down her face. As the salt of the ocean mingled with the taste of her own tears, she whispered "You're free little one, go be free." And cradling it in her arms one last time, let it float there for just a second until it found the wave and took off, back to where it had come from.

Angela made it back to the shore. And as she collasped onto the one sandy patch on the very rocky beach, the sun burst through the clouds for the first time that day. Sending shimmering rays of light to sparkle off of the ocean's glassy surface. Looking out over the ocean she shed tears for herself this time.

She allowed herself to weep and pour her anguish into the majestic ocean. She allowed the waves to take the last five years of suffering out along with the tide. She surrendered her heartache to the sea. She sat there for a moment, fully giving herself the time to bask in the awesomeness and the beauty that stretched before her.

Taking the time to contemplate the beauty of what had just transpired.

And she whispered, to herself this time,

You're free, go be free."