Be Alert: Britain Needs Lerts!

The British National Department of Social Scrutiny released two new infoganda leaflets this afternoon with regards to the ongoing crisis which is completely under control.

The first is a guide to the new Peril Level Alert Service which will take over from and offer perspective and precision over the previous system, in which the UK had been in Code Orange Ocelot [COO] for the last 25 years.

Seeking to refine and reformulate COO, the new Peril Level Alert Service gives further detail and examples of specific threats, all of which are going rather swimmingly. Nothing to worry about. No, Wait!

Never mind… scrap that, everything is fine, carry on.

Part of the British National Department of Social Scrutiny’s response to the unfolding new normal — where everything continues to remain completely under control — is to issue information on protecting your biometric data.

You carry your biometric data around with you all the time, which is why it is essential that you must look after it at all times. To lessen your risk of identity thieves stealing biometric markers, such as thumb prints, eyeballs, your face or the mass spectrometry of your general odour, it is recommended you keep these at home.

Further advice is contained within the leaflet stapled to this web page.

Stay alert to theft of your biometric data.

Why should I be very scared?

Keeping your personal data, including your biometric information, secure is one of the greatest challenges of our times and the Identity Card Unit (the ICU) of the Department of Social Scrutiny values your personal information above everything else.

For example; every day in the UK thousands of people carelessly leave their biometric data all over the place, willy-nilly. A microscopic bolus of phlegm arcing in the evening light here, an uncontrollable spontaneous ejaculation in a supermarket there, it happens all the time. It's unavoidable that, eventually, your biometric profile will fall into the hands of an opportunistic malcontent. A villain with a multi-million pound genetics laboratory at his disposal who will then be able to re-create an evil version of you that will rob banks and generally get up to no good in your name.

There's a very real outside possibility that scientists may one day perhaps discover that this won't be laughably implausible five thousand years in the future. And that's very real concern.

Which is why the Government must introduce Identity Cards, collect swabs of your spittle, scan your irises and generally oppress you In a very matter-of-fact way.

So look after your biometrics: Give them to us. We know what to do with them.

Department of Social Scrutiny Data Protection Policy

The Department of Social Scrutiny is registered as a Data Collector with the Data Regulator, the Department of Social Scrutiny. The Data Regulator - the Department of Social Scrutiny - is, in turn, registered by the Department of Social Scrutiny, as part of its responsibilities as Regulator of the Data Regulator.

The Department operates complex double-blind procedures in order that Data Collection, regulation and day to day data regulatory investigation staff do not know anything. In cases where staff have multiple data management roles within the Department, they undergo neuro-linguistic programming and hypnosis in order to partition their brains.

Information that the Department collects about you is held securely in a compound guarded by tigers, who are all trained to British Standards 85 90076 and have attained a Grade 1 Competence In Mauling People. The perimeter of the compound is further guarded by a man in a Portacabin with a deep inferiority complex and a hunger for power.

Please continue to read this leaflet on the reverse side of your monitor.