Azazel

I have been trying to determine if people are laughing with me in friendship or mockery. Each interaction is a test and evaluation of my worth. I carefully analyze every smile and chuckle, hoping to detect any signs of ridicule. Laughter now fills me with doubt and diminishes my self-assurance.

The name Azazel Ward has always labeled me an outsider, resulting in continuous teasing and taunting throughout my childhood. Despite enduring this pain, my parents were unaware and brushed it off as harmless. These wounds have deeply affected me, leaving scars that continue to haunt me.

I am diagnosed with schizophrenia, a condition that causes me to perceive things that do not exist. Or so they say. However, I am aware of the truth. I perceive the concealed dimensions, those that go beyond the ordinary world. I witness the presence of spirits, energies, and entities that reside within these realms.

Throughout his career, Dr. Jael, a renowned psychologist, dedicated his time to studying the human mind. However, thanks to me, he was now determined to find out the mysteries of the universe. Intrigued by the notion that our consciousness is not limited by our physical bodies and that there could be more to life beyond Earth.

The topic of reincarnation had always intrigued him. At times he believes that our souls are reborn into new bodies after we pass on, and sometimes he dismisses the idea as mere superstition.

While conducting research, Dr. Jael discovered an ancient text that provided a unique perspective on the concept of reincarnation. The text conveyed that the essence that defines our identity does not cease to exist upon our passing. Furthermore, it disclosed knowledge regarding the presence of demons and angels, the existence of heavenly and hellish realms, and historical conflicts and secrets that surpassed the boundaries of time and space.

The text also mentioned individuals who asserted having memories of previous lives, and these memories frequently coincided with the distressing events they had encountered in their present lives.

The author discovered a link between specific physical ailments in people's current lives and past injuries or illnesses they had undergone. He started noticing the patterns and connections that backed up the idea, prompting him to delve deeper into researching the concept seeking evidence to either support or disprove it. He was resolved to persist in his research until he had uncovered everything there was to know.

Our first time meeting he introduced himself after mispronouncing my name. While shaking hands I politely requested to be called Zel.

I took a seat on the rigid leather couch; the noises in my stomach made it evident that I was feeling uncomfortable. Dr. Jael inquired about my encounters with shadows, to which I responded affirmatively by nodding. My eyes anxiously scanned the room anticipating their sudden appearance.

His voice broke through my thoughts like a lifeline, returning me to the present. “Zel, have you considered the shadows might not be real?” He asked gently.

“Looking around this room, I can see things others cannot. Other dimensions, beings, and energies. My mind is a battleground where the voices of the unseen scream and whisper their secrets.”

Concern etched on Dr. Jael’s face, he leaned forward in his chair. “Are you seeing shadows now, Zel?”

My eyes widened with fear. “Yes, they won’t leave me alone,” I said gripping the arm of the sofa.

“My experiences are vivid I know they are real.” I continued. “They brought me to a world filled with colors and shapes that I can not describe. They are beings that can manipulate reality.”

Dr. Jael was taken aback. He was convinced I was crazy. He had never heard of anyone making such a claim. I didn't care I was paying him for therapy I had to get things off my chest. So I continued with my rant,

“The neighbors grew increasingly concerned by my nocturnal ramblings. Their empathy turned to fear as my babbling took on a sinister tone. The police were called, sirens wailing, as they arrived to find me alone in my room of tortured whispers.”

“Zel don't you think that maybe those police sirens and lights were the colorful world you were seeing!”

I paused, contemplating his words. Could it be possible that my perception was distorted, that all this was merely figments of my imagination? The thought was both terrifying and liberating. If they're not real, I may find a way to escape their grasp. Now good ol’ Doc was starting to piss me off.

"I... I don't know," I stammered, feeling a mix of confusion and hope. "But what about the sounds? The faint screams? The overwhelming feeling of sorrow!"

Dr. Jael smiled, trying to ease the distress I was feeling. "It's going to be okay, Zel. We're going to figure this out together."

"Thank you, Doctor, that means a lot to me," I said as relief rushed through me.

A week had passed since my initial visit with the Doctor. Despite the skepticism of others, I remained convinced of the reality of my experiences. At Dr. Jael’s request, I began to document my travels to other dimensions in a journal and even drew intricate diagrams of the worlds I visited.

As I sat in Dr. Jael's office on my next visit, clarity washed over me as something had just clicked into place.

"I know what my problem is," I said, looking up at the Doctor with a newfound sense of understanding. "I was a drug addict who overdosed in my last life. That's why I see demons now."

Dr. Jael raised an eyebrow, taken aback by my sudden declaration. "Go on," he urged.

"Well, think about it," I continued. "I've always been haunted by these dark, shadowy figures that no one else can see. And I've had these intense, vivid dreams that feel more real than my waking life. It all makes sense now. I was a drug addict in my previous life, and my mind is still grappling with the trauma of that experience."

He listened intently, his expression unreadable. When it came to the concept of reincarnation, he’d always been a skeptic. But as I spoke, he began to see the patterns that supported my claim. The human mind is capable of incredible feats of resilience and recovery, but this... this was something else entirely.

"Tell me more," he requested, his voice low and measured. "What else do you remember from your previous life?"

I hesitated, unsure of how much to reveal. But something about his gentle, probing tone put me at ease, and I found myself pouring out my heart to him. I told him about the dark corners of my previous life, the desperation and the despair the night I had overdosed, and the feeling of my soul being torn from my body as I lay unconscious on the floor.

The Doctor listened without judgment, his eyes filled with compassion. I felt a weight lifting off my shoulders as I was finally able to share it with someone. When I finished speaking, he sat in silence for a moment, his thoughts deep in contemplation.

"I believe you," he said finally, his voice filled with conviction. "I don't know how or why, but I believe you. And I think that understanding your past can help us find a way to heal your present."

"Thank you," I whispered, shaking with emotion. "Thank you for believing me."

And with that, I knew that I was on the right path, and together, we would face whatever demons lay ahead.

So here I am, a year after my first initial visit. The day of deep realization where it all falls into place. The answers to the questions the Doctor and myself for a year had been searching for.

"Zel, I'm sure you'd like to know more about what I discovered in my research," The Doctor said guiding me to the couch.

``"What did you find?'' I asked nervously.

"Well, you're not alone when it comes to experiences and memories," he began.

"Doctor, I have many other memories," I told him hesitantly.

"Go on, I'm listening," he replied.

"I remember cutting my wrists, drinking poison, killing people, and then killing myself. It's as if all the sins I’ve committed are suddenly coming back to haunt me at once."

"I'm not sure what to think about that," he said while clicking his pen. He didn't believe me anymore?! Was he thinking I was crazy? My heart was racing, and my stomach felt sick. He wanted to have me committed, I thought. I couldn't stand the silence anymore so I yelled out.. “FUCKING SAY SOMETHING!”

"Zel, calm down!" he said sternly. He stood up quickly firmly pressing his hand on my shoulder to sit me back down. “One more outburst like that and I’ll end the session.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, sniffling, "Doctor, I'm scared. I feel the weight and burden of the world. This sadness I'm feeling comes out of nowhere."

“Zel let me show you what I've discovered.”

My eyes were wide with fear. As his words tumbled out in a rush. "I've come across ancient texts. After pouring over every word, every symbol, every hint of meaning, I'm sure I’ve found the truth."

Together we took a deep breath, trying to calm ourselves.

"The ancient ones," he began, his voice barely above a whisper. "They were not just wise and powerful beings. They were not just gods and goddesses. They were the guardians and keepers of balance."

The room seemed to narrow as I became lost in thought. "Go on," I said.

"They had the power to create and destroy," he continued, his voice gaining strength. "And you were right. They have the power to shape the very fabric of reality. And they use that power to maintain the balance, keeping the universe in check."

I sat up, his eyes locked on mine. "And what does this have to do with me?" I asked.

While trying to gather my thoughts I chuckled and sarcastically asked him. "What, do I have the same power or something?" Do I have the power to create, destroy, and shape reality? Have I been chosen for some purpose?”

Dr. Jael's expression changed from serious to empathetic. "Zel, are you sure you want the truth?" he asked, his voice robust but gentle. "Are you sure you can handle it?"

I nodded, my heart pounding in my chest. "I am sure," I said. "I am ready to know.”

The Doctor leaned back in his chair, "Very well," he said in a steady tone. "But you must promise me one thing, You must not misuse this information. It must be used for the greater good."

Filled with determination nodding my head I replied, "I promise."

"You're not human you’re a demon." He said in a serious tone placing his clipboard on his desk.

I was baffled. "What do you mean? Of course, I'm human," I said.

"You see, Zel, you are a being from the underworld of fire and brimstone. Earth is just a temporary hell for you, a place where you have been burdened with the sins of humanity."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. the idea that I was a demon was almost too much to comprehend. Was I crazy or was my Doctor? As the Doctor showed me the evidence, I began to realize that it was true. I started remembering fragments of my past life in the underworld, of tormenting souls and feasting on their fear. And, it was their fear I'd been feeling all this time.

"But why am I here?" I asked, my voice shaking.

"You were sent here to atone for your sins," he replied. "Earth is a place of penance, where you can learn to understand the value of human life and make amends for the harm you have caused."

Shock jolted through my body. I remembered a ritual where a priest would lay his hands upon a goat, imbuing it with the sins of the people. With every transgression, I could feel the power coursing through me. The goat was chosen for the vessel of my release, as I eagerly awaited the moment of my freedom.

Despair then washed over me. I had always been an outsider. And now, I understood why.

The consequences of my actions and the pain I caused were never taken into consideration. Looking at the world and witnessing the suffering and injustice that exists I knew I had a long road ahead of me.

So, no, I do not have schizophrenia. I have a gift, a curse, a blessing, a burden. I see worlds others cannot. I am the one who bears the weight of knowledge, to mankind unknown. I am the one who must keep the balance and remain in harmony. In this reality, that I have learned to live with.