Asylum

I look out at the stunning clear water of the lake. In the moonlight the lake looks like a painting of the sky above, it’s breathtaking. I’m standing at the edge of the old dock of my family country home. My little sister died in this lake when I was twelve, we haven’t been back since. I look around confused as to how I got here or what I’m doing here. I sit at the edge of the dock, as I dip my toes in the water and watch as the water ripples once my toes break the surface. I sit and watch the moon happily, that’s when I started to hear the voice. Its low and raspy, every word it says drips with venom.

“Your so stupid Hailey, that’s why people hate you so much.”

I wince at the words and try to ignore them, but words cut deeps than broken bones. Words seep into you skin and become a part of you.

“Your so fucking ugly Hailey, that’s why no one would ever want to date you.”

“That’s why you’ll never get married or fall in love, you’re just going to die an ugly old spinster.”

“Your face is too fat, your toes are ugly, you’ll never be pretty.”

“Just give up Hailey, no one likes you, no one loves you.”

“You’d be better off dead.”

I try harder to ignore the voice, but it only gets louder.

“Kill yourself Hailey.”

“No one here would miss you.”

“You’d get to see your sister Emily again.”

“There’s nothing tying you here.”

“No reason to stay.”

The voice gets louder and louder until it’s the only thing that I can hear.

Suddenly it’s like I’m drowning in it. I pull my legs out of the water and curl them up to my chest. I rock back and forth holding myself, trying to breathe. I can’t seem to get enough air though. I gasp, and gasp, but my lungs never fill. My fingers dig into my arms, my nails pressing into my skin painfully. The pain helps me focus. I try to slow my breathing like my psychiatrist taught me. The voice keeps screaming

“Useless.”

“Stupid”

“Ugly”

“Dumb”

“Friendless”

“loveless”

I smack my hand against my head trying to pound the voices out of my head. I scream trying to drown out the voice.

“Fatty”

“worthless”

“disgusting”

I take my nails and rip open my skin tearing my nails down my arm. The pain is sweet and sharp flooding my body. It focuses my mind and helps me shut the voices off, the pain forces them out, there’s no room for anything else. Just the feeling of my nails tearing and ripping at my skin causing harsh red line some of which are bleeding by the time I’m done. By the time I’m calmed, and my heart rate drops my arms are bright red and shaking uncontrollably. I lay on the dock in pain crying soaking the dry wood below with my tears.

Once I’m too tired to cry anymore I stand up on the dock and walk to the end. I can’t help but turn around I stand and stare at the lake for a little while before making my final decision. I charge at the lake running full speed down the dock. Once I reach the end I jump out into the middle of the lake. The water is freezing my lungs go into shock and expel all the air in them. I struggle as my survival instincts kick in trying to swim to the surface, grasping and clawing my way out of the water.

I can’t make it though and my mind starts to go black.

I wake up in the same place I fell asleep in. My white padded cell wrapped and locked into my white suit. Suddenly it all comes back. That year that I jumped in the lake. My father disowning me and throwing me in the loony bin just to lock me away. The doctors say that I imagined the little girl named Emily. That my little Sisters name was Susan and that I tried to save her as she drowned years ago. I know that they are wrong though. I still see Emily to this day, well her ghost anyway. She is my only friend in this place.

“Don’t worry Emily, I’ll protect you. They can’t make you go away.” I say to her.

She sits in the corner playing with her little doll Lucy. She looks up and beams at me and I know in my heart I would do anything for that little girl. I’ve already killed for her.