Are We Gonna Get Divorced Over This?

Part I - Eve

This bloody city is engulfing me whole, I need a breather something to work out for me for once, Max says I should start working out again if I want things to “work out” for me, easy for him to say with his gorgeous 6-pack he just-- Who cares. We're married now he's gonna have to put up with my love handles, all that matters is finishing the novel. My Everest. Ugh, these cookies are out of date, you knew what you were getting into when you accepted the stupid deadline. You have to finish it now or your name will be ruined, everyone will laugh at you because you couldn't hack it, I’m so hungry there’s never anything in the fridge since I’ve been working from home. I hate earning less money than Max, it’s only Monday what a way to start the week, ouch, hot! Max has been gone ages, what time is-- 1pm already! I should text him where’s my phone, fuck I bet it has no battery again, oh hello cutie pie the best dog in the world...What the hell is this?

“Saw something by mistake on your phone….you're ATTACHED to the weirdest rich man....Seduced in Austin... Is that what you want? ”

Fuck.

Part II - Max

I can’t believe she did this who the fuck is Jed what a fucking arsehole what is he doing on her DM's, “Jed” from “Austin” with his fucking private plane and tiny dick, what was she thinking? Doesn’t she love me? Am I not enough for her? I thought we were so close, sex last night with those high stockings was so hot, I’m just using you to be creative for my novel, her kissing was extra wet, was she thinking about fucking Jed? Is that what it was all about? FUCK! I need a drink, a whisky, this sucks, what about this shitty pub at least it's dark inside-- who am I kidding I hate whisky

Excuse me, can I have a piña colada, extra strong please?

Tab open or closed?

Open, apparently, like my marriage.

Part III - Max & Eve

Diiiiiiiiing-dooooong

— Baby, thank God.

— Hi, you.

— You were gone ages, are you okay?

— Yeah, fine.

— Are you sure? You smell like booze.

— That'd be the 3 piña coladas I just had.

buuuuurp

— I was actually gonna get in the sh--, nevermind, wanna talk about it?

— Talk about what?

— C’mon, Max, the post-it notes. What were you doing on my phone?

— It was an accident, I was just looking at maps, my 3G's been acting up.

— Okay--

— Your Instagram was open I thought "that's the guy from the other night, didn't know they were talking" then I couldn't stop reading--

— Couldn't stop or wouldn't--

— What's the difference, Eve? Sounds like I'm the only thing standing between you and your "Austin dream".

— What Austin dream? I never--

— "My husband is not open-minded enough...." are you fucking serious?

— But--You--I--

— Is that what you want? To go fuck some old bloke in Austin?

— He's not old.

— He's not old? He's fucking 50 and you've got massive daddy issues wanting his crusty dick, it's disgusting, what were you gonna send him anyway?

— What?

— You said "I wanna send you a one-time thing" what was it? Huh? A nude obviously, but which one.

— It wasn't.

— No? What then?... Eve!?

— I wrote down my fantasy of going to Austin with you and the three of us, you know, getting it on.

— Right.

— I'm serious. I wanted to see what his reaction was. If repulsed or aroused. What can I say, I'm a freak, I shouldn't have flirted with him.

— You know what broke my heart?

— What?

— You were speaking to him last night as I made you food and rubbed your feet whilst you "worked" but actually you were sexting an old creepy dude

— I wasn't!

— You showed zero respect for me in front of this person. You didn't present us a unit, putting it on me like I'm "not open minded enough" and you two, "more advanced", together.

— There's not "me and him" I'm sorry-- I don't, I just found it amusing in that moment, I-- I don't think I am open-minded enough, either.

— Why didn't you tell me before then?

— I was gonna, it just...wasn't the right time. I was just thinking about the novel, please, it was nothing, harmless flirting, not like I fucked the dude.

— No, but you want to.

— It may have crossed my mind. It's tru--.

— Yeah he "wants you" too --

— ...But in a fantasy kind of way. Like it turned me on to think about it way more than to actually do it. It's nice to feel wanted, Max.

— You shouldn't have carried on.

— I know.

— But you did.

— I know.

— And?

— And I'm fucking sorry okay I didn't do it very well, clearly.

— You know what the problem is, Eve? You want to fuck this guy because he's rich. That's it. That's all you see in this bloke. He's got loads of money and he could buy you everything you want.

— Baby, it's so not like that. I swear. I love you more than anything, we're a team, it's you and me against the--

— …And I'm no longer good enough for you, or provide well enough for us, and I'm a fucking loser for not realising this sooner. I didn’t know we were there.

— There where?

— With Jed, there.

— Not Jed, who the fuck is he? Couldn’t care less!

— You gave enough of a fuck to send him nudes.

— I didn't!

— I'm not a moron, Eve.

— We've already been through this, it wasn't a nude, it was a screenshot of my fantasy, written...

— You think this old bloke who just wants to fuck young girls his daughter's age gives a fuck about your poems? Huh? You actually thought he would read that? Sometimes you can be so, so... naive...

— Are you okay?

— Yes, why?

— You're cooking naked wearing shades indoors and it's hard to take you seriously like this.

— Well, I've lost the will to keep wearing clothes today. I found out I'm in an open marriage, just like that, click.

— It’s not like--

— I've been rejecting women for years you know?

— I can imagine.

— Because I love you more than anything and I never wanted to make you feel uncomfortable. I’m hot too!

— You are!

— But now I have to catch up, and flirt with people too--

— Please don't say it like that.

— Like what?

— Like it's a vendetta!

— It's not a "vendetta", it's the truth. We're in an open relationship where anything and anyone goes. I'm glad. I wouldn't have done it like that, but it's too late now. WE'RE OPEN! I feel great about it.

— You don't seem like you do.

— Well, you're wrong. Shot of limoncello?

— Yes, please.

— Cheers. To a long and happy fucking marriage with lots of dick for you and pussy for me.

— I'm not cheering to that. You're pouring another one, okay....

— Cheers.

— To what?

— To you and Jed.

— Don't be stupid, Max. Another shot?!

— Fine, fine, fine, fine. You're right. Cheers.

— To what?... To WHAT, Max?

— I just realised today is our anniversary.

— Oh my God you're right... Happy anniversary, baby.

— D-do you want a plane ticket to Austin?

— Shut up... I love you. I want you. I want to be here now with you… Anniversary apology blowjob?

Clink

— Daaaaaamn, they get ya these limoncellos. And yes, a blowjob would be a good start. A wet one.

— …You have a boner already.

— A confused boner.

— Ba—a—by.

— Yes? Keep going, more spit... Yes?

Slurp, slurp

— Are we gonna get divorced over this?

_______________________________

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