Another one gone and another one gone

Another One Gone and Another One Gone...

He sits at the table, eggs, sausage, and leftover cake for breakfast. Old fashioned chocolate with cream cheese frosting, it’s a classic.

The sugar may kill me, but at least I’ll be happy in the moments leading up to it.

She usually prefers to bake them herself, but flying out to see him is a hassle enough without the stress of preserving a whole cake the entire time. He feels guilty for robbing her of that small gesture, but he had to go.

…

She’s home now and the world just goes right on spinning.

…

A fork in one hand, a phone in the other, another one bites the dust.

...

In other news...

People he hasn’t spoken to in years wish him well.

Why bother?

A friend posts more “happy family” pictures.

Whoo.

The small town girl, who was trying to be a model, posted a new video.

Is she trying to be a singer now? Guess the acting thing didn’t take off.

A ranked list of all of his favorite black haired anime protagonists.

What’s the category Alex? Whose hair is blacker? Spikier? Likelihood of the curtains matching the drapes? Or whether or not their pubes change with their transformations?

Another article explaining why millennials are ruining boomer America.

It’s not your world anymore, get over it.

Insurance Advertisement

For... A house I don’t own? A business I don’t have? My car, despite a flawless driving record? A car that’s out of warranty? My yearly vision exam and nothing else? My yearly routine dental cleaning and nothing else? General preventative examinations and nothing else?

A poorly targeted ad.

Sorry, my penis has no use for the ones with the wings.

A better targeted ad.

Sorry, your company doesn’t make clothing in my size. If it did, I’m sure they’d be European or Asian cuts (aka at least two sizes too small) anyway.

An excellently targeted ad.

Why yes, I have THOUGHT about looking at a new pair of shoes recently... Fucking creepy shit. But what can you do about it?

A video of animals doing cute or dumb things.

Honestly, can not get enough of those.

Another listicle: hidden gems around the world

Not so hidden anymore, are they?

A video of white people doing things only white people do…

Nuff said.

An advertisement

For yet another social app for people to post videos of them doing stupid things, or sharing their stupid thoughts, or having more stupid kids, or going on stupid adventures, and living their stupid lives.

...

That’s enough of that for today. Onward, to the dating apps.

>This one didn’t write a bio at all, only pictures.

Code for hookups only. Left.<

>This one filled out her profile, but no pics of herself, just her cat, her other cat, and like three memes.

Code for “looks shouldn’t matter because I don’t want to get rejected for my looks and therefore judge others for caring about appearances.”. Left.<

>This one has dogs (which I MUST love) and can quote every episode of The Office.

How refreshing. Left.<

>This one loves to hike, is VERY 420 friendly, and apparently wears flannel, faded jeans and doc martens, exclusively.

I bet she loves to get high and listen to music on her computer. Completely ignoring the vinyl collection she loves so much. Left.<

>Cleavage pic. Cleavage pic. Cleavage pic. Cleavage AND a video game controller?

>>Yup she’s on twitch and, wait for it… yup, onlyfans too,

Probably just looking for more fans. These are not the boobs you are looking for. Left.<

>Oh-kay, this one’s talent appears to be the ability to make the exact same face from the exact same angle in all of her pictures.

Might as well just pick the best one and use that. Lol. Left.<

>Speaking of angles, all of this one’s pictures are from the neck up.

>>You’re not fooling anyone about your body insecurities, sweetie.

And because this is a dating site, that pretty much constitutes your first lie by omission. Left.<

>This one just says “ask me”.

It must be nice to be able to be that lazy. Left.<

>Uh oh boys, wake up, this is not a drill. She’s cute, doesn’t smoke, and we have a number of shared interests.

Shoot my shot time.

“Hey, I saw on your profile that you like to paint. Me too. Would you want to find a nice spot to paint together sometime?”

>Ooh, look at that, two potential matches in a row!

It must be my birthday…

>OH NO! A stay at home mom of five?!

How does that even happen? LEFT.<

I need to get to work anyway. I wonder how many times we’ll be excitedly tripping over each other's words, only for them to just leave after. No new friends made.

In his bathroom, he grabs one of his presents to himself (the masculine scents assortment from an online wholesale “handmade” soap retailer).

Not that I was getting anything from home even before they died, but somehow I miss the guessing game of seeing which parent would forget this year... But those happy times are over. With a total of three dates, two friends left, one beach visit, and zero prospects for a brighter future, happy birthday to me...

“I’ll have the triple chocolate cake please,” she says to the server.

“Great choice, and for you sir?”

“Aren’t the slices here kinda big?” he says, smiling at his date as he hands the server the menu, without breaking eye contact. “I think we’ll just share, thanks,” his eyes studying the rest of her. As if he hadn’t already been talking to her chest all night.

No, the slices aren’t very big, but hey, thanks for asking.

“As I was saying, I like to think of myself as old fashioned, as you might have noticed.”

“You did insist on picking me up, opening every door, and buying dinner. Is that your car that you picked me up in?”

“Sure is. Got it with my first paycheck right after graduating university.”

“Wow. First paycheck? That must be some job.”

“Well it helps to have a really solid trade-in. We traded in the car my folks bought me for graduating high school. It was a classic that had barely any miles on it because it mostly sat parked... I guess you could say that taking ubers everywhere was a successful first investment to have made on my own. As for the job, it is really great, a great starting salary, a great company; you gotta kiss a few asses but it’s not too bad.”

“Mm. How did you land it?”

“All of that just boils down to good networking. A guy my dad was in fraternity with got me on.”

Oh yeah, you’re really self-made.

“So what teams do you follow?”

“I’m not really into sports.”

As I stated in my profile.

“I’ll remember that when my favorite team's hoodie mysteriously disappears tomorrow morning. Most people just wind up following the team from whatever state they’re from anyway. You should know, I’m a die-hard Sox fan, even though I’m not from there.”

Giant, who cares.

“Alrighty guys, here’s that dessert, enjoy.”

He glances at the confectionary and then back at her. “I’m surprised. I would have thought a pretty girl like you would want to watch her figure.”

“I have a gym membership.”

“Oh word? Me too. Fucking hate leg day though.”

Judging by your profile and your lack of definition, the only thing you do at the gym is take selfies… You know what, fuck this guy. I mean how hard is it to just scroll down and glance at my profile? Or maybe reading is too hard. I guess that’s what I get for using the picture book of dating apps. At least now I can just enjoy my consolation prize, or whatever he doesn’t eat of it. I wonder how thirsty he really is…

“I hate leg day too. But this ass doesn’t tone itself,” she says brightly, through a mouthful of cake.

Bingo. There’s a pulse in one of his cheeks that tells her it’s working.

“It is a great ass. One of the first things I noticed in your profile, if I’m being honest.”

“Thanks, I put a lot of work into it,” she says with a big chocolatey grin.

Another twitch in his cheek.

“But yeah, I’m old fashioned and usually don’t hook up on the first date, unless they’re really pretty. --You’re gorgeous by the way. --and we vibe really well. Kinda like now,” he says, flashing his perfectly straightened and whitened teeth. “I mean, I was raised up being taught to treat a girl right, like a queen.”

“That’s sweet, you thinking I’m a queen…” she says, licking her teeth.

“Well yeah, I mean every girl is a queen right? I’m sort of a feminist like that.”

“Oh you’re a feminist? Tell me more about that,” she says as she goes for the hail mary, and pulls the plate from the center of the table.

“I also think women should be making more money, you know, pay equality. They should also be given equal opportunities as men and women owned businesses should be respected the same as male owned businesses.”

“Tell me more.”

“More women should be on money.”

“More.”

“We should have a woman president one day.”

“More.”

“Body positivity should be promoted and slut shaming needs to end.”

“We should get out of here.”

“Check please?”

…

He stuck in there, color me impressed. Granted, there wasn’t much talking after we left the restaurant. At least he knows what the green light looks like.

Lying awake next to him snoring, she looks at her phone. In the matches screen she selects his profile, unmatches it and goes to the next one on the list.

This guy looks like he’ll need to be told what to do every step of the way. Not like this guy didn’t, but I can tell he probably wouldn’t even try to hold my hand without my consent. I mean, if you can’t tell what I want, without me literally telling you what I want, how capable can you be? He’s kinda big and ew, cargo shorts? And an Uber driver? That's not even code for broke. Get a real job.

He’s got decent taste in music though, and it looks like we have some interests in common. He literally says “all the arts'' in his profile... Paint together? That’s cute but probably code for murder.

Honestly, I'm not looking for a project right now. I mean, I’m not trying to have kids at this exact moment. But after a while, if I do, then I need to know he can support us. If he can’t look nice now, when he doesn’t have any kids, then he won’t be able to then...

I’ll just leave it for right now. Maybe if something changes I’ll message back, but today is not his lucky day.

She sighs and as smoothly as possible, gets up from the bed to gather her things. She gets dressed in the hallway and calls herself an uber. While waiting, she lines up her next date, only mildly surprised they messaged back at this hour.

Six so far this month and another one bites the dust. On to lucky number seven.