An Embarrassing Dinner

How wonderful it was to have a family meal out in Soya House, Bob’s classmates told him. Apparently they did the best plant-based burgers in the country. His little sister had been waiting all week for it, but for Bob it was another contender for the top 10 most embarrassing nights of his life.

Bob’s stepfather, Drew…he sat where his father should have been. He was the one that spoiled his mother with a bottle of wine every day. “I’m not eating no vegan muck,” Drew declared.

“That burger you had was vegan,” Bob reminded him, resisting the urge to drop a f-bomb. “And you’ve been saying might you were excited for dessert.”

“Why are we in a vegan restaurant?” Tasha asked.

“Because you both picked this place,” Drew replied. “And the pudding looked good, I want the…” Drew gulped when his eyes locked in on Tasha. “The pie in a pan.”

Bob did want to come, but not with his overbearing family. He could cope with just his sister, as she was happy with anything in front of her. Why did the pompous idiot let their mother that bottle of wine before they came? The man had more money than brains.

Despite her petite appearance, his mother, May ate and drank like it was Christmas. Bob loved her mother dearly, but never had the balls to express it. He would love her even more if she didn’t chat nonesence.

“Now let me tell you something…” May addressed both her children by raising her milkshake above the burger poster like a glass of wine. “Your father loved my cream pies.”

“For God’s sake Mom!” Bob’s frozen shoulders cowered under his ears. He combed his fringe over his head to hide his eyes. He lowered his voice and leaned over his tea. “Not here!”

“But you can’t just have cream in a pie,” Tasha said, licking gravy on her fingers. “That’s gross! You should add bananas.”

“I LOVE BANANAS!” May screamed.

Bob prayed with his hands between his lap. “Mom! I’m begging you…don’t go there.”

“Daddy, do you love cream pies?” Tasha asked loud enough to garner the attention of other diners in front of them.

“Tasha, we’ve been through this everyday,” Bob explained to her. It felt like the millionth time.”Ash is our father, and Drew is our stepfather.”

Tasha shrugged her shoulders. “We have different dads.” Bob often forgot that Tasha was a baby when their dad walked out.

“We have the same one,” said Bob.

“Well I don’t know Ash. He never sees me. Now you mention it I think I get it…”

“I don’t think you do,” Bob said. “It’s complicated. When you’re old enough, you’ll understand.”

“The reason I’m not allowed sweets at home is because Mommy wants them all to herself.”

“Oh!” Bob threw himself back, not expecting Tasha’s answer to change the subject.

“Look Bob!” Tasha whispered, pointing to the plump man with six burgers on his plate. “Hasn’t he put on a lot of weight.” Tasha was the type of person who would say at as it was, even if you didn’t want to hear it. For a small girl she was sassy.

Bob hushed Tasha, even though he was holding back laughter. He knew the man through many lunchtime detentions. Was a quiet meal out too much to ask for?

“Oh Tasha you mustn’t say that,” May whispered.

“Why not?” Tasha asked. “It’s the truth. You always told us to tell the truth.”

“It’s just that people get a bit sensitive over their body image.” His mother’s sudden change of expression the moment she saw the man. “Look at that fat cow over there!”

“Mom!” Bob whispered. “That guy is one of my teachers.”

“He’ll be in the mortuary with the way he’s stuffing his face.”

A young waiter arrived to their table with a trolley filled with decadent puddings. Bob recognised him as Richard Longlang from his class. Bob bowed his head but he knew it was too late, Richard had already seen him. The rentagob was gonna tell the whole world that Bob Sirankle had crazy relatives.

“Hello everyone. I’ve got one spotted dick.” Richard placed the steaming pudding in front of May. “Sex in a pan!” Drew raised his hand. “And two Slutty brownies.”

“Hey!” May cried out. “It’s your mate Dick Long Lang!”

“It’s Richard!” Bob yelled. Gasping, he had no idea he was loud. He looked over to Richard with a tomato face. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

Richard laughed it off. “Honestly, it’s fine. Well… Bon appetite everyone.”

“There we go,” Bob muttered, “Look what you’ve done. You’ve humiliated me in front of the world world again.”

May chuckled, “With that hair of yours you do a pretty good embarrassing yourself!”

“Mommy, I think you’ve had too much sugar!” Tasha said.

“More than sugar,” Bob said. He ate the rest of his pudding in silence with his head down. The whole school we’re going to talk about it on Monday. One thing Bob knew for sure, his next visit to the Soya House will be a solo adventure. Then Bob changed his mind: Tasha can come with him as long as she didn’t smear her food on his white top.