All the Memories

Oh my God, I love him, I love him, I love him. How can this happen, how can I have made this decision to end his life? How can it be real that he will never again open his eyes and smile at me? That we will never laugh together again? That we will never again talk about our day, our experiences, our feelings together?

The nurses and doctors stand solemnly around the edge of the room. I know they want to do their job and switch off his life support, but this minute is all I have left to sit with him and hold his hand while it is still warm enough to hold, to be present with him while he still breathes.

45 seconds...

His chest rises and falls, and he looks so peaceful. He is the love of my life, and I have had decades to love him, to caress him, to get mad at him. My eyes move over his face, trying to memorise every aspect of what makes his face, ‘him.’ He wasn't always the easiest to live with, but whatever, I never doubted my decision. He would smile his impish, slightly crooked smile at me, and I would melt.

And when he laid his hands upon me and cast his sensuous magic, creating that spark that some people are lucky enough to experience once in a lifetime - well, I would forget everything but him, and his touch.

40 seconds...

I recall our first date, how very exciting it all was. How my attraction to him was insane and leaking out of my face; how I couldn't stop my cheeks from flushing and my face from beaming. I remember how smart, yet classic he looked, not a conventional hunk but he just had that 'thing,' you know? That makes you go weak at the knees... the mushroom risotto was beautiful, and the wine flowed in the intimate little Italian place on the corner. How we kissed afterwards, emboldened by the wine, and how I held his hand all the way home. How I felt safe with him in his masculine easy presence. How easy it was to go upstairs and be in his arms. How we blew each other’s mind.

30 seconds...

What will I do without him? How will I love without him? Big boots, impossible to fill. I stroke his hand and watch his face and his closed eyes, trying to absorb every little essence and mineral of him, as if combining him with my own DNA from memory. Surely then I will never forget him?

20 seconds...

What about his dogs? What about his children? They will miss his big energy so much. Rooms will seem empty without him, parties and gatherings will be all the sadder for the absence of his booming, genuine laugh, that you could always hear, wherever you were in the building.

10 seconds...

Oh, you. I love you and I miss you always and forever. A tear meanders downwards, just for him.

I dip my face to his hand, feeling his warmth against my moist cheek for the last time.

0 seconds. It is time. Goodbye my darling. See you in the next life.