A Munificent Light

Here she finds herself again, in the backseat of the musty Jeep. The special kind of must that clings to your hand when you rub the seat, almost like sand after a long day at the beach. And this old black Jeep Grand Cherokee belongs to Isabel’s boyfriend Russ. As they’re kissing in the back, Russ reaches behind her to attempt to solve the puzzle of her bra clasp.

“Not today Russ, I have to go. I can’t be late again for class” She conveys seconds before Russ could figure out the puzzle.

Russ contorted his face and flipped his long dark hair out of his face.

“Not today… Not last week… Not the month before… Will it ever be the day?”, he quipped.

“Pretty sure it’s illegal to guilt someone into losing their virginity,” she retorted.

“What the fuck Izzy?” Russ blurted out, “Just because your dad is the Sheriff doesn’t mean you can create your own laws about virginity!” He gave up on the clasp and opened the car door.

“Pretty sure it does. Anyways, I’m gonna be late. Now, will you drive me home before I lock you up?” She said with a sly grin.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” He let out, clearly perturbed. “But seriously Izzy, you can’t keep doing this to me. I mean you’re super hot and all, but a man has needs! We leave for college in a few months, you really want to be one of those girls that go to college a virgin? I lost my V card a few years ago, really wasn’t that big of a deal if you ask me. Are you a prude or something?”

“No! It’s just… I don’t know. I know it sounds cliche but I just want everything to be perfect. I want it to be special.”

“Ok great, I’ll make sure next time there are fireworks, rose petals, and someone playing the violin,” he said sarcastically.

“Shut up!” she yelled back in a shrill voice.

“Damn sorry babe… it was just a joke.”

“Well, not a good one.” She replied sternly.

“Well that’s your opinion,” Russ said with a wink. “C’mon, I’ll take you back. But maybe you can make it up to me with a quick handy first?”

“Ugh. Fine.” She acquiesced.

—

“Late again, Miss Johnson” Mr. Seltz incensed.

“Sorry Mr. Seltz, won’t happen again” Isabel replied bashfully.

“You’re damn right it won’t. 5 points off your next test. Next time it’s 10.”

The class gave a collective chuckle. Everyone seemed to revel in the punishments given to the school’s brightest student. Although Isabel is a beautiful, smart and caring girl, she never had many friends. Maybe her perfect long blonde hair with her green eyes was intimidating, she would sometimes think. But quickly she put the thought out of her head and convinced herself it was always something she would do wrong. That there was something inherently wrong with her.

Her only flaw was that the small town where she lived down in Hamlin, West Virginia wasn’t used to a girl like Isabel. She didn’t like to gossip about other people, she didn’t play any sports or join the cheerleading team. The truth was that since her mother passed away when she was 11, all she seemed to do was go to church with her father, read her books and take her walks in the deep woods behind her house. The town couldn’t seem to figure her out, and for that they despised her.

—

As the bell rang through the halls and the students dispersed, Isabel was packing her bag when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around to find one of her few friends in the town, Mary Louise. Don’t call her Mary, don’t call her Louise, it always had to be Mary Louise. Unless you enjoyed a swift hand the face from this short, brash, slightly chubby girl who appeared to be the opposite in every way from Isabel.

“Mornin’ Jizz-abel!” Mary Louise’s ‘endearing’ nickname for Isabel burns a hole in her chest every time she hears it, but beggars can’t be choosers when it comes to finding friends in Hamlin. “Damn you are so lucky to be in Mr. Seltz’s class, he’s like the hottest teacher in the school.” Mary Louise said as she peered across the room at the teacher, not noticing the tears welling up in Isabel’s eyes.

“I guess so,” She sniveled.

“Well what crawled up your ass today?! Anyways, listen to this. So Mark told Tina that Russ told him that he said have a cute butt. Can you believe that?? I mean I always knew I had the best butt in school, but it’s nice to hear someone else say it for a change, right?”

“Oh… Russ said that?” Isabel could barely squeak out, the dam holding back her tears was about to burst.

“Yeah! I mean I totally get that he’s your guy and all, but I mean c’mon look at this thing!” She said as she made a turn and twerked on the desk. She started laughing as she continued, “Don’t worry I’m not gonna steal him from you! Have you guys had sex yet by the way?”

“Um… thanks? And no, not yet.”

“You’re such a prude! Anyways, let's get to homeroom. I need you to help me with my Chemistry homework. And I have a date later with Mark, you hafta help me pick out what to wear!”

“Sure. I just need to stop at the bathroom quickly,” The walls of the room felt like they were closing in on her as her heart was pounding out of her chest. Isabel felt another panic attack coming on and she couldn’t let Mary Louise see or she would tell the whole school… again.

Isabel ran into the bathroom, locked the door and the dam broke. Was no one on her side? Why does she always feel so alone? There must be something seriously wrong with her, she thought. None of the other girls run into the bathroom crying. None of the other girls get laughed at by teachers and students alike. None of the other girls are missing their mom. None of the other girls have a dad who– she stopped and took a deep breath, attempting to compose herself.

“It’s ok.” She said aloud, seemingly trying to convince herself it was true. “Everything is ok.” But she knew deep down it wasn’t.

As she sat in the stall, elbows on knees and hands on her face, she remembered the song her mother would sing to her to cheer her up.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, You keep me happy, when skies are Gray. You don’t know how dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.

Isabel smiled as she wiped her remaining tears. Her mother always knew how to cheer her up. But ever since her mother’s accident, a hole in her heart opened. And it felt to Isabel that this hole was growing and growing, but she couldn’t figure out how to stop it, how to quell the pain and the guilt that she felt. What made it worse was that her father blamed her for the accident, hell she blamed herself for it. Her mom was driving to pick her up after all. Isabel had missed the bus after school one day, and her mom was killed in an accident on the way to pick her up. For that, she could never forgive herself. For that, she didn’t deserve to feel better.

“I’m so sorry mom. I miss you so much,” she whispered to herself as the bell rang for the next period.

—

Later that night Isabel was doing homework in her room when she heard the familiar sound of a pickup truck pulling into the gravel driveway. The sound of the rocks crushing beneath the tires always made her heart sink. She quickly sat up and started to brush her long blonde hair. The Sheriff never liked it when her hair was messy. All she could hope for was that he was in a good mood today.

Isabel glanced over at the owl clock above her desk. It was one of the last gifts from her mother. They both shared an affinity for owls and would always walk together through the woods trying to spot the elusive bird.

When she was young, the noises the owls made in the dark woods used to always frighten her. Until one day in the woods, with Isabel grasping her mother’s leg in fear, she told her, “There is no reason to be frightened! Hoot hoot means I love you in owl. So my sweet child, whenever you hear a ‘Hoot Hoot!’ it’s just an owl saying ‘I love you’.”

“Hoot hoot mommy!” young Isabel replied. And from that moment, the owl obsession was born.

The front door slammed open bringing her back to reality. “Isabel! Why don’t I smell any dinner cooking?!” He yelled through the doorway, his deep voice rattling the bones of the house.

“Great,” she thought to herself. “It’s going to be one of these nights.”

She quickly finished brushing her hair and put on her father’s favorite lipstick. Maybe this will help, she hoped.

As she rushed downstairs to remedy the situation, she found her father at the end of the staircase with his arms crossed. The Sheriff was a large, intimidating man who enjoyed putting the fear of God into people. His dark brown eyes appeared almost black, especially when he was in a foul mood. He never seemed to take off his Policeman outfit and always had the same smell of body odor and alcohol, both equally proportionate.

“I’m sorry Daddy. I was doing my homework and lost track of time,” She pleaded.

“I work all damn day to provide for this house, the least you can do is have a fuckin’ meal ready for me you ungrateful bitch!” His breath reeked of whiskey and malcontent.

Tears streamed down Isabel’s face. Was it the third, fourth time she cried today? She always lost count. How many times has she smiled today, she wondered. Sorrow appeared more often than cheer, but she was almost used to it by now. Sadness and emptiness were so frequent they almost felt like a comfort. When people saw her in these states, they seemed to leave her alone. Like a warm, dark blanket she could hide under until they left her alone.

Her father, however, unfazed by the waterworks, raised his hand for an all too familiar slap. As he struck her face, she fell to her knees, head in hands.

While her mother was alive, the Sheriff never laid hands on Isabel. He was never the most loving or caring father, that was a role reserved for her mom. Good cop, bad cop. But for the past 7 years, it’s been entirely bad cop. Although the town loved and respected the Sheriff, he never brought those feelings of goodwill back into the household. Instead, all that was left when he came home was anger, abuse, and alcoholism.

Isabel quickly mustered all the strength she could, sprang up, and jolted out the back door. She could hear muffled yells from her father following behind, but all she could think at that moment was that she needed to get away into her sanctuary, the woods.

She knew these deep woods like the back of her hand, even in total darkness. So she ran. Running away from her school, from the town, from her sarcastic boyfriend, from her two-faced friends, from her demonic father, from everything.

She ran until she could not run anymore, and collapsed under a tall oak tree. Her father had given up the chase long ago. All that remained in these woods was the darkness and her warm blanket of tears and emptiness.

As she sat resting her back against the large tree, her thoughts went to her mother. How much she missed her, how things would be different if she was still here, what she would give to hear her mother’s voice one more time.

Just at that moment, she heard a familiar noise just above her, coming from the oak tree.

“Hoot hoot! Hoot hoot!”

Isabel looked up to see the largest barn owl she had ever seen. The creature looked to be 2 feet tall and out of its’ white heart-shaped face materialized two glowing eyes that appeared like a beacon in the night, glaring directly at her.

She gazed back at the owl, their eyes locked. And at that moment an intense feeling of love and serenity overtook Isabel’s body. The last time she felt like this was when her mother was alive, and for this reason, she knew this was no ordinary barn owl.

“Hoot hoot!” The owl bellowed.

“I love you too mom,” Isabel let out with a beaming grin. “I’m so sorry I killed you. It was all my fault, everything is always my fault,” tears began to stream down her face once again, but her eyes remained locked with the unblinking owl.

The barn owl’s eyes began to glow brighter. But Isabel could not look away. Brighter and brighter, until it was all she could see, all she could feel. The light encompassed the entire forest until all that was left was the owl, the tree, and her.

The intense light spoke to her, not with words but with vehemence. Isabel could feel the words pass through her…

“I’m right here my sweet child. I’ve never left your side. I love you more than you could ever imagine and that has never changed. You mustn't blame yourself for forces out of your control. There is so much darkness in the world, but you are and have always been a light in that dark. Others seek to extinguish your flame, as they cannot come to terms with the darkness within themselves.

The pain and the emptiness you feel inside is not of your making. These people that surround you are full of this darkness, a vacuum of energy. They steal your light, they steal your soul. You give and you give, and all they do is take. You don’t deserve to feel this way my Isabel. I failed you as a mother when I left this Earth. I was responsible for shielding your light. But I won’t make that mistake again. I can protect you, my love. Come with me and you will never feel any pain again. Come with me and your light will shine forever.”

“Yes mother,” Isabel muttered in a hypnotized state, as she stepped into the light.