A Little Late

Isaac watched the dust motes dance in the shaft of light from his place on the floor, curled into the foetal position.

His breathing had been making them swirl faster which did not suit him at all, so he slowed his breath and breathed more shallow. The dancers now drifted calmly, in no rush to be anywhere. They did move sideways a little though, which he assumed was caused by his exhalations.

I wonder what would happen if I just stopped breathing?

A deep sigh sounded from somewhere behind him.

Oh, so you finally found me. A little late aren’t you?

He hadn't intended for his words to be harsh, but everything he had thought was pushed way down inside seemed to bubble up and manifest in his tone.

I’ve been here the entire time. You just didn’t notice.

Bullshit. If you had been here, I would have seen you. I would have noticed. Because you would have helped.

Silence stretched out.

But you didn’t. You left me here, you left me alone.

I was here. I tried. I tried to help you, even when you pushed me away.

Everything he had been holding at bay and avoiding for the last few days came crashing in. Anger burned through his mind like white hot fire.

Then why didn’t you DO something?! You could have said something. But what did you do? Nothing! You watched my world implode, you watched my pain and you. Did. NOTHING! You BASTARD! What did I do to deserve this?!

You didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t your fault.

You’re right. It’s not my fault. It’s yours. She is gone. Dead. And it is all your fault.

I wasn’t driving the car, I did not drink and drive.

No, but you could have stopped it! You could have stopped the accident somehow! It is your fault! I lost everything when I lost her. I hate you for this!

Silence lay heavily over the room as Isaac seethed. Finally, the other responded.

I stayed with her. Right to the end. She was never alone. I held her hand and talked to her. She didn’t feel pain in the end.

And you think that makes it all better? I lost the love of my life and you think that somehow makes it all better? You ruined my life!

The world lost a beautiful soul that day. Every one who loved her lost something that day. We are all here for you. And you can talk to her any time you want to.

Isaac's laugh echoed in his head.

No, we can’t, we just talk to her memory and it’s a very one sided conversation. May as well talk to ourselves.

She hears you. One day, you will find comfort in talking to her, even if you can’t hear her reply. I know you are angry with me, but I’m not the one you are really upset with.

I am pissed at you. And the asshole who was driving. He shouldn’t have been behind the wheel and YOU should have done something.

You are angry with him and you are angry with me, both with good reason, but we aren’t the ones you are beating up.

Who in Hell do you think I’m really angry with then? Go on, tell me your stupid theory!

She was there because of you... she was there to find your birthday present. If it hadn’t been-

You’re blaming all of this on me? I WASN'T THERE! I would never... I wasn't.... there...

The words choked as sobs burst from his chest, raking his throat on the way out, his body convulsing against the floor. Being forced to face the feelings of guilt that had been eating his insides, robbed him of his fight.

I wasn't... It’s my fault. It’s all… my fault.

He struggled to put his thoughts into words in between sobs.

If I hadn’t asked for… if it weren’t for me… my stupid gift... got her killed. I could have stopped it… it’s all my fault… I deserve this, I deserve to…. Suffer.

The torrent of tears he had been holding back had come pouring out, uncontrollable, unstoppable.

It wasn’t your fault. You are not being punished. You loved her so well and she loved you more than you know. That is the saddest part of love. Grieving its loss when it goes away. You are angry and heart broken. You have every right to be. Feel it. Then let it go. Healing takes time.

I won’t.... ev... ever! Let... her go!

You don’t have to let her go. Let go of your anger when it is time. Stop blaming yourself. Hold her in your heart and memories. She will forever be there.

You... you don’t.... you don’t... have... to lose her.... the way we do.

That’s true. But, I don’t want to lose you to your grief. It will take you somewhere I cannot reach you. I will be here as long as you need me and long after. Even when you hate me, I still love you, I will always be here for you.

All words... where are you.... when I need you... most? You are never here. A fair-weather friend... there to claim credit for .... the good stuff.... gone when you are really needed.

The other voice sighed.

I know it is hard to see right now. You are hurting and pain can blind a person. I think maybe there is someone else you need to talk to.

That’s right, leave again. You were never here in the first place.

He curled tighter into a ball, holding his sobs in close to his chest. A hand slid onto his shoulder and down his arm.

That isn’t you, it is a figment of my grief. Because you were never here to start with.

‘Darling, I’m so sorry. I should have come sooner. I just wanted to give you the space you asked for. I thought you’d come talk to me when you were ready.’ His mother’s voice this time, her hand.

With gentle coaxing, Mai helped her distraught son to the couch and wrapped him in a blanket.

‘Oh my goodness, you are freezing! And I can see you haven’t eaten in days...’

Mai’s bustling sent Isaac’s dust motes into a frenzy as more tears cascaded, soaking the edge of the blanket.

Am I crying because the dust motes are too busy?

Pressing a cup of her special home-made soup into his hand, she sat and put her arm around him.

‘Something told me I needed to come by. I’m glad I listened to my mother’s instinct.’

There was something soothing about her presence, mum’s cooking.

‘M...’ He cleared his throat and tried again. ‘Me too, Mum. Thank you.’ The rasp of his dis-used voice surprised even himself. She gently kissed his forehead.

‘Oh honey, what have you been doing all this time?’

Isaac took another sip of soup and answered quietly. ‘Talking to God.’

Grief is a heavy load. Especially when carried alone.

If you are finding your load a burden too great to keep up, please don't keep struggling alone. Sharing can be a very difficult thing to do but a healthy way to work through difficult times.

This story was inspired by the song You Found Me by The Fray.

In an interview with Isaac Slade, he said the song is about a time when many people in his life were dealing with some horrible situations that left him wondering why bad things happen to good people. In an coincidence, the name Isaac means one who laughs and rejoices. I chose this name for the grief stricken character because the name reflects how we tend to not see the pain of the people we believe are happy.