A Girl's Christmas: Part 1

I’m in the middle of trying to work out exactly what is wrong with me when the words suddenly come bubbling from my throat.

“Mum? You don’t remember this year’s Christmas party, do you?”

Her brow furrows a little at that question, but she nods anyway.

“Well… I think I might’ve gotten drunk and tried to jump off the roof or something,” I continue, my cheeks burning up with embarrassment. She just stares back at me for a moment.

“You did what?”

“Uh. Well… we were supposed to be watching The Nightmare Before Christmas, but I got a little too carried away. And then I thought about how you’d probably prefer it if I didn’t get drunk again, so – “

She cuts me off before I can start blabbering on even more, “That was two years ago! That was a terrible time for you! Why would you want to go through that again?”

I sigh, rubbing at the bridge of my nose. “It wasn’t really like a big deal, mom. It had just been bad enough already and it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t gone drinking in the first place – well, except maybe if I hadn’t gotten drunk in the first place, but it still doesn’t explain why I’m remembering all these things now!” I’m aware my voice is starting to raise as I talk, and lower it again after a few moments, looking down at the floor as I take a deep breath.

“Just… tell me what I can do to make it up to you, and I’ll try.”

“I appreciate that sweetheart. But honestly, this isn’t anything that needs fixing right away, okay? Just… give yourself some time. And try not to worry about it again until you feel ready, and that means not letting it control your life anymore, alright? That’s a promise I expect you to keep.”

I nod. “Alright, mom. Can you at least tell me if you ever remembered that night, though? Or, like… what we'll do next year? Like, does it matter if it was on purpose, or whatever?” I’m almost begging her at this point; a thousand questions are running through my head right now and I just need to know which one came from what, and whether or not they apply here in this exact scenario.

“Honey, I told you, it didn’t matter. We watched The Nightmare Before Christmas together, I drank a whole bunch of eggnog, it wasn’t that important. If it helps any, I actually kind of forgot about it until recently. And besides, it was so long ago – ”

I interrupted her, desperate, “But it was important to me! It meant the world to me, I never even said thanks!” My voice goes shrill again, and I quickly swallow and calm myself down. She gives me an apologetic smile.

“I’m sorry, honey. I shouldn’t have brought it up, it’s just… it seems silly to talk about something like that without remembering why. Anyway, there’s no sense fretting over that now. Now it’s Christmas Eve, and we need to be doing something exciting, like decorating the tree and eating cookies! What do you say? Would you like to do that for the New Year?” She sounds genuinely excited, the sparkle returning to her eyes. I beam at her.

“Of course!”

We spent the rest of the evening discussing what to put on the tree and baking chocolate chip cookies that I insisted on making myself because we haven’t done that in a very long time. By 9 PM my phone starts buzzing incessantly and I groan under my breath.

“Sorry mum, gotta answer that. Probably one of my friends from school asking where Santa is this year – he always forgets,” I laugh at the idea, imagining Tyler’s face when he realizes that the actual Santa Claus isn’t real, but his phone continues to buzz insistently.

To be continued…