A Cease and Desist

Notice of Cease and Desist

From

The Nautical Law Office of Barnaby GW Esq.

Representative of the worldwide organization, Sharks Against Misrepresentation (S.A.M.)

Dear Humans,

This letter (delivered via bottle) is hereby served as a warning. We are bringing to light your dangerous misrepresentation of shark-kind throughout the years in your stories and tales and songs. Most importantly, we accuse you of purposefully ignoring the damage you've all caused through your, for lack of a better term, fishing stories.

Since we had our first encounters with your ancestors all those years ago, our different kinds have never gotten along. Yet now, recently, your kind has gone above and beyond to make us look like monsters in your stories.

Of course, there was the film by that Spielberg fellow and the slew of subpar sequels that followed. Then there were the movies of us attacking you all with the help of tornados. For God's sake, those were just asinine. Then there was that odd representation in the movie about the missing clownfish, which, while factually flawed, was admittedly at least empathetic to our plight of being stereotyped. You also all have the whole week-long thing on television, which is nice and all for awareness, but we've seen many of those viewers at the beach; they look at us like stars of a horror movie. Then... you do the exact opposite and depict one of our babies in an incessant song that you all loathe! It may not have enforced the stereotype of us being monstrous eating machines, but it certainly didn't do our reputation any favors.

Look, we get it, we're big, we're tough, we're fast, we're not picky eaters. Yet, by constantly positioning us as the monsters in your stories, the beasts that await at the beach, the carnivorous creatures of the sea, the man-eaters, you're causing much more damage than your storytellers realize. We're now at 100 million deaths of our kind per year. As professional hunters, we wouldn't necessarily have a problem with such predatory prowess if it was for just that, hunting. Instead, it has been a mix of a "kill on sight" mentality and knee-jerk reactions when you see us. It is also the cause of other more horrid things. We've been the victim of becoming a key ingredient in certain delicacies in the world. Parts of our bodies have become trophies for your hunters, tourists, and the affluent. We have been treated like we are raw natural resources, not living, breathing animals. We need you to wake up, take a step back and see what you're doing to us.

Many of us take specific issue with what you've done to our species primarily because of just how unwarranted it is. The odds of getting bit by one of us is 1 in over 3 million. In fact, the number of us biting you has gone down quite drastically. We'd like to think it's the S.A.M.'s "See a Human, Flee a Human" campaign we've been promoting throughout Florida and other high-traffic areas, but we know the campaign isn't that great. We're sharks, not marketers. No, we know one of the real reasons is because, frankly, there are fewer of us every day.

All this being said, we have a deeper gripe with you. The damage you've caused to our home has forced us to migrate to other places. It's hotter, the food is scarce, the water is beyond filthy. Frankly, even the dolphins agree — you're to blame for a lot of it. These drastic planetary changes have forced our fins into making some drastic moves. But you don't seem to be happy about that, either. Many of us have been desperate and lost enough to find ourselves in your "fishing grounds" (a very entitled name for a place, by the way), and that's not good for anybody involved. The fishermen scream, the sharks lose their minds either in a frenzy or in fear, and often, deaths occur. We've got to be honest; you've been awful planet-mates.

If you do not cease all acts of misrepresentation and mistreatment, a lawsuit will be commenced against you. The Orcas have agreed to act as jurors. We recommend you select representatives carefully. Maybe a crab or a seagull.

In the event that your activity doesn't stop, and we don't have high hopes it will, you will receive a summons to appear in Nautical Court. We will seek compensation for damages, of which you'd never be able to pay back. We will ask you to look at us as fellow inhabitants on this planet of ours instead of resources to plunder and pillage and use as if you have total control over everything. Furthermore, we implore you, stop using the ocean as a damned garbage pit. It's only going to cause more problems for you in the long run. Trust us — we know doomed animals when we see them.

This will be your only warning. It's time to pay attention to what you're doing.

Sincerely,

Barnaby GW Esq.

Attorney at Law